A Brief Introduction

I'll be filling in for the next couple days until Fragmaster takes over the weekend shift. My name is Zack "Sam" Parsons and when not putting runs in my hose and candy in my nose for Lowtax, I can be found writing for quality family entertainment sites like this, this and this. Don't click that last one. In my free time I like to chitty-chat on ICQ with my ad-network pals about how I will rape people and also perhaps spit on them.

Beendet jetzt die Einleitung! Schnell!

Insane in the Brain

We - and by we I mean the population of the world and not just pasty-faced webmasters - are beset on all sides by futuristic death plagues. First there was AIDS, which actually lived up to all the hype and turned out to be a plague of sorts. Then came Ebola and West Nile virus, which could be really devastating according to Nostradamus over at the Center for Disease Control. Now Lowtax and whoever keeps an eye on deadly space fungus attacks are telling me that Mir might be the pox-ridden blanket of the 21st century.

When did we lose our sense of fun? Why is it that all of these doomsday plague scenarios are no longer exciting, with drama and adventure? I'll tell you when and why! When was about eighty years ago and why was because we decided to put an end to the funnest disease of all; Kuru. For those of you not familiar with this riveting illness, it is a degenerative neurological virus caused by the consumption of contaminated meat products, in the case of Kuru, specifically fresh human brains. Kuru causes a lot of problems like muscle spasms, rage that might influence you to bite another head and eat some more contaminated brains and best of all, it's always fatal.

What this country needs is an exciting new disease like Kuru. Forget all this silliness about birds, mosquitoes and cannibal cows, Kuru is the wave of the future my friends and I intend to be surfing this one all the way to the bank!

I've got my license to practice medicine from the Yugoslavian Institute of Medicine and Torture and I am setting up shop in the Midwest. I have a strong feeling that the first person to walk in to my doctor's lab or whatever you call it with a sprained ankle will come down with a serious case of the Kuru. It might go a little something like this:

ME: So what seems to be the problem?

HOT TEENAGE PATIENT: I was playing volleyball and I twisted my ankle.

ME: Could you take off your shirt?

HOT TEENAGE PATIENT: What?!

ME: Nevermind. Say "ahhh".

HOT TEENAGE PATIENT: Ahhhh

ME: Hmmmm. Looks like someone has been eating a little too much ritualistically butchered human brain.

HOT TEENAGE PATIENT'S HOT MIDDLE-AGED MOM: What?!

ME: I'm sorry ma'am, your daughter has Kuru. She has only a few days to live.

HOT TEENAGE PATIENT: Well I guess all that's left to do is sex the doctor.

HOT TEENAGE PATIENT'S HOT MIDDLE-AGED MOM: Let's get him.

Then a Benny Hill style chase ensues. Don't blame me if you see all your friends get rich from Kuru and you're left out in the rain, I am telling you now, buy low and sell high.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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