Hell yes! Stars and stripes, runs and gun, boys. We have gone and power-strafed our heat hogs all the way up to 9-1-1 all over again. You hear that? The baddest of the bad, deadest of the dead, and reddest of the red-blooded American holidays is here again! Whooooooo-yeah! Get some!
You all remember what happened back in 2001? New York City was blasted to heck and back by some crazed terror plotters with a penchant for violence on innocent freedom. Now we take this day to solemnly swear to remember the three million or whatever that have perished in our war on terror and the towers fell and eagles cried. Most of all, though, we are here to shoot the shit out of some old Nissan with a dead alternator I got parked out back and get tore the fuck up on whiskey and tallboys of Natty Light.
You in? Shit yes, you are! Why else would you be reading this article unless you were throwing your own 9/11 Party and wanted to get yourself some exotic shotgun ammunition. You can't just go throwing a 12 Gauge rubber finned rocket stabilized tungsten core slug into the breech of your mammy's two-piper if you don't even got a tango in the area needs neutralizing from behind a refrigerator door. This is all about the right load for your party.
Shoot responsibly and remember do not drink and drive and shoot all at once. Pick two.
|12 GA. Terminator|
Hasta La Vista, Lady! These solid steel slugs are designed to slag synthoids from 25 yards. Can go right through a chassis and frag some transistors. Annoying androids wasting your time? Waste them back. With these shotgun bullets that will cave in their artificial faces. They aren't real faces. They don't feel pain. But they'll feel this. Terminator shotgun shells. Ironically named after the most famous robot in the world: a Terminator Robot.
|12 GA. Armor Piercing|
Blast straight through your favorite flak jacket. Tank plates aren't stopping this sucker. Goes through three inches of armored steel. Can go all the way through a cop car. Tested on a real cop car! Used by cops on the front lines of the drug war on terror to shoot crooked cops. Those cops never saw it coming when the good cops shot them through their cop cars. Don't be one the wrong side of the car when the bad cops come for you.
|12 GA. Blanks|
Baby bullets that aren't real and just go bang. Maybe would scare a baby bird out of a tree. Set off a car alarm from 50 feet. Get as close as you want. Shoot it at somebody's heart. Shoot it in their face. Just a loud bang and a puff of smoke. Not even worth your time. A kid's toy. Let your kids play with this one...if they're girl kids. Manufactured in Paris, France by homosexuals.
|12 GA. Pepper Blast|
Time to kick your barbecue up a notch with these oleorem ipsum atomic madness chili filled shotgun shells. Whooooeeee! This is the hottest pepper shell by scovil units currently on the market. Blast your taste buds with some of this. Put the shotgun into your mouth and pull the trigger.
Taste the heat of over 50 million scovil units. This is the exact estimated temperature of real magma! Fire it at wings and pizzas and hotdogs and your puppy's eyes when he's bad. Shoot it at your lawn to kill weeds or just pound rounds into your microwave when it's time to cook up a ecb or Extra Cheese Burrito. Comes in Regular and Double Dante's Inferno Insanity Pepper of Hiroshima Hell which is the same but with 4-color printing on the label.
|12 GA. Confetti Rounds|
The kids can't get enough of our classic 9/11 confetti rounds. Relive the tickertape terror nightmare as the towers fell and the streets of Manhattan were rained down upon with the debris of burning freedom! Just fill up your favorite 12 Gauge home defender with a ration of these rude dudes, take aim at your best bud, and let loose with two barrels of varicolored merriment. These rounds are certified Kid Safe by our junior gunsmith Billy, who loves to blast away at my horses with these things day and night. Horses love them! Sneak up behind them real close and fire away. Fuck horses anyway.
|12 GA. Triple Decker|
Big party this year? Time to bring out the big boy bullet. The Maximum Triple Decker fires double-triple heavy-gauge lead balls. Just one ball is enough to fly through a wall and go through two human bodies and then smash a framed picture. The Triple Decker gives you six times the lethality. You can now shoot twelve people at once or twenty four if you have a double barrel. Now who's the faggot?
|12 GA. Rhodesian Jungle|
This is an all-purpose multi-purpose shell with buckshot and birdshot together. Perfect for shooting animals hiding with birds. If that intruder is coming at you with a bunch of ducks he will still go down, because the patented Rhodesian birdshot will strike first, eliminating the duck shield and exposing the intruder to the buckshot. Next time he won't try ducking this shell.......Also known in our members-only catalog as President Stoppers.
|12 GA. Piranha|
Our most painful shell yet! The Piranha will pulp perps and slash assailants with over 50 razor sharp flechettes in each shell. These less-than-lethal lacerators will blind, shred, flay, dice, and slice any intruder before he can even get out his rape knife. The pain will be so intense with his juicy guts falling out on the floor of your den that the intruder will be disabled and you can take your time to select just the right coup de grace shell.
|12 GA. Macho Gaucho|
In Argentina the cowboys call it a bolo. Two heavy balls connected by a cord and thrown to ensnare the legs of fleeing animals. We call it the Macho Gaucho and it's the first in our new line of superlethal rounds. These rounds produce Hollywood-quality gore effects on intruders. The Macho Gaucho is particularly good at severing limbs, but use your imagination: from the side they could be used to slice someone in half! Great for Town Halls!
What shell will entertain the best at your 9/11 party? This isn't some goddamn commie fascist country yet. In this post-9/11 world certain freedoms must be upheld to be self-evident and righteous in alien right. The final decision is yours. Just remember to never forget!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.