Novice Facial Hair Countdown

Before I reveal the #1 facial hairstyle, I should probably show you the runner-ups. Here are the two closest finalists.

Runner-Up: Sideburn

Sideburns have been popular since their creation, which is truly remarkable, since they have never once looked good. If you lost your ears in a freak accident when you tried to stick your head in between two narrow walls--of fire, then by all means get sideburns. If you have been convicted of shoplifting eight times and lost your license due to multiple DUI charges, thereby signifying your difficulty in making rational decisions, get sideburns. If you want to be a respectable figure in your community, playground, or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, do NOT get sideburns.

Runner-Up: Goatee

If you have a goatee you are either a douche bag baseball player or a douche bag. The difference is subtle, only noticeable after federally ordered drug tests. But don't worry; I heard those tests won't pick up the Human Growth Hormone you're using to get taller.

All right buddy, here we go. The #1 facial hair as decided by coolness and easiness to grow

1st Place: Pedophile/Rapist Medley

It's 10pm. Do you know where your kids are? Well, if a parent saw me walking down the street while I grew my mange, they would assume I knew as they hit me with their hatchback. If a normal beard is like a forest, and a cleanly shaved face is a grass field, this facial hair is a suburb, sure there are some trees, but it's mostly poor landscaping and dog shit. This sparse hairstyle is simple to grow as long as you refuse to shave regardless of how shitty you look, you are under the age of 17, you are in an extremely terrible band called the Foo Fighters. A person who is having the first sign of hair growth on his face will be reluctant in shaving it off, so this style grows like a rose in a crack of cement in the ghetto, except instead of a ghetto it's your face, and it's your pimply skin instead of cement, and I guess instead of a rose it is a disgusting hair mess. Wait, didn't I say it's 10pm? We're going to be late for curfew. I hope mom won't yell.
Coolness: 1
Easiness to Grow: 10

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)