It's that time of year again. Fair days, when all food is battered twice, when the summer heat is almost as overwhelming as the body odor, when a person's true distaste for the human race can truly shine. For a week or two, you (yes you!) can experience (or at least witness) a world hidden from your daily life. So if you've ever wondered where the world's Wheel of Fortune fans let loose or desired (for some reason) to see a live episode of Maury unfold before your very eyes, then go. Bring your camera, bring this list, bring your sense of adventure and see how many listings you can capture. Compete with your friends. Check off all you see in an afternoon at the fair grounds.Though the only true way to win this scavenger hunt is to become an isolated vegetarian, the champion is whoever collects the most check marks.
1. __BBQ sauce on face
2. __BBQ sauce on somewhere other than face
3. __Sweaty man with no shame
4. __Someone praying over fried food
5. __Asscrack visible above pants
6. __Asscrack visible below pants
7. __Vomit (3 separate piles)
8. __Matching camo on T-shirt and hat
9. __Homeless individual you trust more than a fair employee
10. __Naked baby
11. __Person using something other than a toilet as a toilet
12. __Fair employee you trust less than a homeless individual
13. __Painful looking underbite
14. __Grown child (over seven) being carried/pulled in wagon
15. __Sculpture made to look like food
16. __Food made to look like sculpture
17. __Puffed-out 90's bangs
18. __Trash pile the size of a small adult
19. __Obese twins
20. __Barefoot individual
21. __Vessel that holds more than 88oz of soda
22. __A child crying alone
23. __Dog that should be put to sleep
24. __Cut off jeans on overweight male
25. __A messy break-up/divorce
26. __Ron Paul supporters
27. __Tube top that fits like sausage casings
28. __Squirrel eating deep fried batter
29. __Eighteen(18) barbwire tattoos
30. __Puddle of unknown origin
31. __Bee swarmed lemonade stand
32. __Attractive woman ogled by at least twenty men
33. __Bootleg stuffed animal prize
34. __Urban Tweety Bird embossed on denim jacket
35. __An abandoned shoe
36. __T-shirt Freedom grab-bag. Combine any: Map of U.S., Constitution of U.S., Eagle of U.S., flag of U.S.
37. __Angst ridden teen with two liter of Mountain Dew
38. __Ten(10) acts or signs of profane racism
39. __A non mayonnaise based salad
40. __A Poison T-shirt
41. __The actual band Poison
If you've seen a side of humanity usually limited to the inner rings of hell or the ranch dressing section of Golden Coral, then feel free to add your own! In case of tie, whoever witnesses the most disturbing act wins.
Special thanks to Tim for the first three photographs.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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