I have long been a fan of strange and fascinating facts, or "factoids" as the decadent people of the 22nd century call them when they are not too busy eating pills that taste like extinct animals and having sex with holograms that look like their sisters. Today I plan to share with you some of my favorite facts, which have helped me live a healthy life free from death and rich in rewards.

  • A wizard's magic does not work inside of Home Depot.
  • A dog cannot occupy the same space another dog has previously occupied. When this event occurs a dog will lose all motor functions and effectively turn into a statue.
  • Every night at midnight the Long Gone Rider appears in the nearest desert and offers up winning lottery ticket numbers if you are pure of heart and have no sins to your name.
  • No hippopotamus has ever been struck by lightning. That is why the Native Americans called them "Nature's Lightning Repellants."
  • Try as you might, it is impossible to achieve orgasm masturbating to beautiful bean footage.
  • The most pellets Pac-Man can eat before reaching critical mass and exploding is 17,842.
  • It is uncouth for a wedded lady to blog.
  • If current potato consumption continues the potato will be extinct by 2073.
  • Dogs never get nose bleeds even when they snort excessive amounts of cocaine.
  • The best place to hide gold from pirates is under your tongue. The best place to hide pirates is in industrial freezers.
  • The web comic you and your roommate plan to do is called Penny Arcade and it is already being done.
  • The only non-surgical way two separate beards can exist on the same face is through lycanthropy. Otherwise, a double beard requires costly elective surgery.
  • Nikola Tesla invented the joy buzzer, but it was stolen from him by the nefarious Thomas Edison.
  • When visiting Australia, keep all your items secure. Kangaroos like to steal wallets and hide them in their pouches. This is why the Native Americans called them "Nature's Shoplifters."
  • The 2007 movie "Pride" had the largest special effects budget in Hollywood history.
  • The best name for a child is "Clumpy." The second best name is "Coupons, Rebates, Freebies, & Great Deals."
  • Actor John Goodman has no skeleton and maintains a gelatinous state in temperatures above 32 degrees.
  • Everyone born in 1978 is colorblind on weekdays.
  • It is impossible to take more than five showers in a day and remain sane. All who have tried to breach the five shower barrier have gone mad.
  • The TV series "According to Jim" has been on the air for six years.
  • You can overcome radiation poisoning by eating a Hungry Man TV dinner, which will absorb the radiation as well as most of your stomach lining and soul.
  • If you say "atheism" five times in a dark room Richard Dawkins will appear and ask to be fed.
  • You can make your own thermal paste using coconuts, tree bark, and mandrake root. WARNING: DO NOT EAT IT.
  • Thumbs is just tiny arms for your hands.
  • If you are the strongest man in the world then you really shouldn't have a problem lifting up the fattest man in the world (unless you are both).
  • A baby can only do 10 pushups before it tires out and has to be put away.
  • This hurts me more than it hurts you.

I stand by these facts as I stand by frozen dogs and moderated potato consumption. I hope they service you as they have serviced me many time before.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.