It's a well-known fact that Something Awful has no sympathy for ugly, fat, or otherwise undesirable babies. A very long time ago, a SA writer posted a question which begged, "How do [very fat babies] manage to grow up and do anything worthwhile at all? Someone, anyone, please email answers to [email protected] and the first person to tell me how this happens without the use of magic gets a prize." The email account was created, but the writer probably went to go mail out thousands of autographed SA license plate frames or something and forgot all about it. I'm proud to announce that the contest is now officially OVER and the winner has been selected!

From: deathbody852@******.com
Date: Nov 4, 2002 17:09 CST
To: [email protected]
Subject: What you believe about me

Hail and well met from a person of size -

My current size (~500 lbs ) and appearance dose not prevent me from living the life I want to live. I would be willing to bet I have lived as rich a life as you if not richer. Have you ever had 4 friends over at the same time? 5 people total at once is more that the TV show "Friends" had and it was called "Friends" and nothing but. It may also interest you to know that I also have just finished Holiday shopping for everyone in my family. I am not a rich man but I got everyone their own custom VHS tape. For my nephews: FernGully and Big Top Pee Wee and for my sister and her husband who are having marital problems I got them a copy of Head Cleaner. It should be a good self help video. It also comes with eyedrops, probably so they will open their eyes to whats wrong in their relationship.

Speaking of relationships, in this area especially I am just as much of a human as anyone else. I have every tpe of feeling you do incl. sexual. It's like I told my girlfriend when she'd take off my shoes before lovvemaking: Youre holding the leg of a sexual being. She evevntually started seeing someone else so I had to return to my old ways of getting pleasue, though,

My old ways included rubbing my belly on countertops + tables and hoped that the friction of my belly moving against my organ was enough to stimulate me. Not always. About 60% of the time I just rubbed and rubbed and rubbed on everything in the kitchen and nothing can get me excited. I used to be able to use the dryer (vibration) to do it but I got a new dryer and it does not vibrate the same way, unable to excite my Rod. Sometimes I would stand there rubbing my big tummy against the dryer door. Praying for the slightest bit of stim. from it. Not happening, thanks for nothing Sears Kennmore. The very last time I tried I rubed my belly on it in a circular motion (counter clockwise) and even tried a primitve humping motion. No dice. I tried this for approx. 35 minutes until my laundry was done and it buzzed very loudly and scared me. I'm enough of a man to say I almost cried from it.

"Yeah right Like I'm gonna stand there in the cold 55 degree garage rubbin myself against an applicance for 35 min if its just gonna buzz at me. I need results!! " I also have an electric lawnmower that I can sit my tookus on top of and it vibrates and rubs my underside vigorousluy. I began usng it in my home for that special purpose. Once however, in the throes of climax, i leaned back and accidentally hit the automatic propeller, which made the lawnmower autoomatically go at approx 3 mph toward my dinette set. Not a big deal, i thoguht, its blades are on the ground and everything worth keeping is on the table. Not so, it knocked the table and a bunch of devilled eggs i just made fell on the ground . I rolled over approx 3 times and turned off the mower and laid on the floor of my dining room eating the devilled eggs for about 15 minutes before they went bad. Not a pleasnat experience.

Other things I like to do to get my jolles is to m-bate outdoors. Can you imagine how thrilling it must be for the neighbors to almost catch a 500 lbs man in the act of pleasure!! I am immediately recognizable to them all so naturally I have to be super careful. What I usually do is go out in the cover of night in the early morning (4am-4:45am) with my Camo beach towel and set down in the back yard and do the diddy up against a clothesline pole (rubbinh on my underside like i am riding a pony vertically). This is usually very pleasureable because the pole is cold in the night weather and sometimes a bug climbs on your specials and tickles you (watch out for the kind of bug) This works very well except for one time I fell asleep outside and woke up at approx 11 am naked as a jaybird in my back yard on my Camo towel and i couldn't get up because i have sleep paralysis so i just started moaning cause thats all i coudl do "ehhhhhHHHHHHHHH uuuuuhhhh!!!!! i saw my neighbor peak his head over and see me and turn away in disgust. i gently started swaying from side to side as control of my body returned. it took me approx 90 sec of this rocking motion to get the momentum to get up. "ehhhHHHH HHHHHUUUUHHHH!!!" when i got up i saw a little dog looking at me through the fence.

So overall Im doing very well. Nothing in my life has been very traumatic until I read abou ugly / fat on this web site. Actually, that's not true. I dated a girl for 2.5 months and the first night we were naked together she was like "Oh my God you need a shirt right now or like miniblinds" which wasn't that bad until i finished taking off the shirt and she said I also needed 2 more very tiny sets of miniblinds for each of my nipples and began drawing concept art for them and kept doing so until sunrise. I looked over and at one point her pencil wasnt even touching the paper but she insisted that she could not be disturbed I guess that's what happens when you're an artist.. Other than that I am very happy lately. Very happy indeed.


CONGRATULATIONS!! NOW THE PRIZE:

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME!

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)

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