This rare view provides a look inside the Boohbah den.Thursday of last week, while I was out of town, a package arrived on my doorstep with no postage and no return address. One of my thoughtful neighbors kicked it carefully into the shared entrance of our apartment and spared it from the elements that might have been less gentle. I returned home late the next day and unpacked my high-caliber rifles and collection of well-worn martial arts weaponry. After baking a pie I got around to opening the package. Inside the plain brown box was a collection of soiled sheets of paper and photographs caked with dirt and what looked to be blood stains. Near the bottom of the box I found a digital video cassette and the driver's license of Jason "Alabaster Disaster" Horner.
You have no doubt read a number of the field reports that Jason has written for this very Internet publication covering topics as diverse as Portuguese feral housecat chasing, the splendor of the American quacking eagle, and the effects of crust-free bread on the ecosystem of Louisiana's swampland. Jason was a devoted naturalist, explorer of the unknown, and a dear friend. What I discovered thanks to the contents of the package was that Jason was also an avid crypto-zoologist. He had apparently been conducting one of his field research pieces on the trail of sighting of the elusive Boohbahs. If you're not aware, Boohbahs are a species of three-fingered sapient of unknown origins rarely seen outside of Children's Television and never documented.
What follows are the last three entries I have pieced together from the tattered and damaged remains of Jason's documentation. I hope it serves as a fitting eulogy for the man.
Day 18 - 11:23 AM - Camp Halo
Confirmed sighting! I have taken a picture of an entire pod of Boohbahs that have begun foraging near the highest of my watch-points here at Camp Halo. From what I can determine their coat coloring appears to represent a sort of strange caste system that the Boohbahs adhere to. The orange hued Boohbah seems to be the leader or alpha-male (assuming the creatures possess normal mammalian gender delineations) and behaves the most aggressively, often leading the others in hour long dances that increase in speed until the Boohbahs all fall over from exhaustion. Both pink and yellow Boohbahs appear to occupy a shared matriarchal position in the Boohbah caste system, with the pink one tending to the alpha-male and the yellow caring for the blue and purple Boohbahs.
The blue Boohbah seems to be the youngest of the group and it frequently wanders off and must be corralled into performing the coordinated dancing by either the pink or yellow Boohbah. The purple Boohbah exhibits similar - although more controlled - behavior, but also seems to be of breeding age. It frequently grows docile and even lethargic and seems particularly swollen in comparison to the other Boohbahs. It could simply be an impacted bowel, but the alpha-male pays it particular attention and grows agitated whenever the purple creature does.
As rumored the Boohbahs communicate with one another through a complex combination of hand gestures, bizarre almost flatulent noises, and by stimulating bioluminescent nodules located in rows above their eyes. Speaking of the eyes, the Boohbahs I have seen so far all possessed very obvious predatory eye positioning as well as a scale in comparison to their head that must make them extremely efficient hunters.
I just saw the Boohbahs engaging in organized pack hunting behavior! It was quite a sight to behold. While dancing in a line near a stream the Boohbahs startled a dear from its hiding place in the trees. As the deer bolted from cover the orange Boohbah emitted a high-pitched squealing sound that hurt my ears quite a lot and stunned the deer completely. Inflating their buoyancy organs with an audible hiss, the pink and yellow Boohbah pushed off the ground and glided rapidly through the air. The cuff that begins just below the eyes of the Boohbahs slid away to reveal immense mouths lined with multiple rows of jagged yellow teeth. The floating Boohbahs opened these mouths and sprayed a stream of viscous multi-colored fluid onto the deer. The poor beast immediately began smoking and sizzling, leading me to believe that some sort of highly acid or alkaline substance was being secreted.
While I observed the ghastly scene of the Boohbahs feasting on the stricken deer I noticed an opportunity that I may attempt to exploit in the coming days. The purple Boohbah finished eating well before any of the others and wandered a few dozen yards away. The other Boohbahs were so raptly feeding that they did not even notice when I approached to within feet of the purple member of their pod. The creatures could weigh no more than 60 or 70lbs based on their ability to float through the air so easily. I believe that if I am present when they feed again, and depending on the location, I may be able to sedate and apprehend the purple Boohbah for lab analysis.
Day 20 - 7:34 PM - Autopsy Room
Quite an eventful day. Early this morning I caught sight of the pod of Boohbahs exiting their flying softball-sized den and searching in the woods for food. They managed to bring down and devour an entire brown bear, but that's not the exciting news. While four of the Boohbahs including the orange male were feasting I snuck in behind the seemingly exhausting purple Boohbah and managed to strike it with a dart laced with a powerful sedative. The Boohbah collapsed immediately and I was able to carry it away without being noticed by the rest of the pod.
It was my intention to examine the Boohbah and tag it for tracking purposes but apparently my dart actually penetrated its soft almost pudding-like skin and cause fatal damage. The Boohbah expired while I was carrying it to the base camp. Consequently I was given the opportunity to conduct a thorough autopsy on one of the creatures. I can only hope the death of one of their number will not prove overly harmful to the rest of the Boohbahs.
BEGIN AUTOPSY RESULTS
Subject height was 5 feet and 3 inches and subject weight was 47 pounds and 4 ounces. The epidermis of the subject was covered in a thick layer of very fine purple hairs, giving it an almost velour feel. The epidermis itself was gelatinous and of a paler shade of purple than the hair. The subject possessed two arms with a hand on each that consisted of two identical digits roughly the same size as a human index finger and a central major digit approximately as large as corncob. Location dissection evidenced no bone or joint structure beyond a slight hardening in the epidermis. Beneath the tissue there was a dense bundle of muscle, leading me to believe that these finger-like appendages actually more closely resemble tentacles or some form of proboscis.
Torso dissection began with a central incision running from the defensive fold on the neck to just above the location of genitals, were there actually any genitals there. I was forced to use a bone saw and rib spreader to cut through and expand parallel rows of hollow fibrous tubes somewhat like ribs. These bone-like structures were embedded within the thickened tissue of the epidermis in the chest and back area.
Chest cavity filled with a thick purple fluid similar in color to the moist tissue membrane lining the chest cavity. It seemed to serve the same purpose as blood although in a very simple almost insect-like fashion. Fluid was drained and purged (samples taken) by hand pump and examination of organ layers began. Subject has particularly large stomach and no interconnected kidney, liver, or other analogous organs. There was a large intestine although it was of a length of no more than 11 feet extended. Digestive juices were dangerously acidic and were purged (samples taken) with glassware cyclotron.
The dominant organ cluster in the Boohbah's body was a series of five extremely large lung-like organs that I believe to be the creature's air-bladders. It is these organs that allow it to float through the air.
[AUTOPSY CONTINUES FOR 19 PAGES]
The subject has been jarred and preserved for future study. I will be returning with it when my field work has been completed.
Tomorrow I plan to return to the pod to ensure that no serious damage has been done.
Day 24 - 2:06 AM - Location UnknownThe Boohbahs advance in eerie lowlight in this undated photo from Jason's collection.I've been on the run for four days straight and I don't even know if I'm alive or dead anymore. When I returned to the site of the Boohbah den on day 21 I found five Boohbahs waiting for me including a full-sized purple creature to replace the one that I inadvertently killed. They attacked without warning, rupturing my eardrums with their hideous wailing and trying to spray their searing venom on me. I managed to avoid them and fell into a ravine where I broke my arm and dislocated my ankle. That did not immediately pursue me into the ravine but by the time I staggered out I could hear them hunting for me.
Since that moment I have been harried and hounded without pause. Sometimes I will fool myself into think that I have escaped them, but then they are right on top of me again, with their hideous wheezing gas bladders and twinkling bioluminescent nodules. They are nightmares given form and I know that I will soon meet my end.
Oh, God, I can hear them again! If someone finds this journal, tell Martha I love her.
The journal ends there. I can only hope that wherever Jason is now that it's a better place than the cruel world that would see him torn apart by a pack of floating furry babies that spit acid. If they multiply unchecked, God help us all.
Jet Li For You and Me
Howdy folks, Taylor "fundamental mental derangement (as schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality" Bell here with a review of the hot upcoming PS2 title that's taking the world by storm! No, I'm not talking about Fantavision 2, I'm talking about Jet Li: Rise to Honor.
Before the game itself gets under way, a brief tutorial comes up and cheerfully demonstrates the ins and outs of a godawful control setup that puts Ehrgeiz’s godawful control setup to shame. If you thought Kabuki Warriors was a pathetic fighting game for only having one attack button, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Rise to Honor features a whopping ZERO attack buttons! That’s right, you don’t press buttons to attack at all! You simply push the right analog stick in the direction you want to attack, and Jet Li will decide whether he wants to do a punch, a backwards girly slap or a strange little twisting ballerina kick. The horrible control scheme, which consists of a “move” joystick and an “attack” joystick with an occasional tap of the shoulder buttons, leads me to picture the head developer stammering “Well, uh, it worked for Smash TV” before screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, INSERT MORE RANDOM WEAPONS!” and then choking to death on his own drool.
Check out the full article, as it contains numerous movie clips of my awesome Jet Li adventures, thanks to some guy named Brendan who was generous enough to buy a lot of A/V equipment, a flimsy window and an easily thwarted home security system! What a guy!
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.