2. "Troll 2"
Directed By: Claudio Fragasso
Starring: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy
You might think that a movie named "Troll 2," the sequel to a movie entitled "Troll" which was about trolls, would also be about trolls. Well you know what? You're wrong, pal. "Troll 2" is about goblins and doesn't feature a single troll or mention a troll anywhere in the movie except the credits.
Some retarded kid named Joshua and his equally retarded family spontaneously decide to "house swap" with a redneck family living in the town of "Nilbog" for the summer. That's right, they agree to exchange houses for a few months with a family they've never met in a house they've never seen in a town they've never been to. Joshua constantly sees visions of his dead grandpa Seth, who can do magical things like stop time for 30 seconds and appear in mirrors to reveal painfully obvious plot points. Dead ghost grandpa tells Joshua to stay out of Nilbog, so naturally his family drives there.
Upon moving into the town, Joshua soon learns it harbors a sinister secret which could tear his family apart; it's infested with vegetarian goblins! This shocking revelation is further reinforced once he discovers the word "Nilbog" is "Goblin" spelled backwards! Oh no! Better think twice before vacationing in the town of "Izan" next year, Joshua! With the help of Grandpa Seth, Joshua fights off an army of goblins and manages to additionally defeat a wiccan drama major who stole a couple rocks from Stonehenge in order to transform the town's rednecks into tiny children wearing paper goblin masks and potato sacks. This movie has more screwed up, completely bizarre scenes than I could possibly list here, so your best bet is to just rent the movie yourself. Make sure you're loaded beforehand. And, oh yeah, that shot on the right is in fact a photo of the main character getting ready to urinate all over the dinner table. (Full review here...)
1. "Feeders 2"
Directed By: The Polonia Brothers
Starring: The Entire Polonia Family, Jon McBride
Make no mistake about it, friends: when it comes to terrible movies, the Polonias reign supreme. Every single movie they have had any part in has ranged from "laughably terrible" to "laughably horrible" and everywhere in between. It's a good thing the Polonias don't take themselves too seriously, as they would've already committed suicide long ago after realizing their movies rival many Etch-A-Sketches in sheer production value.
"Feeders 2" follows the plotline established by "Feeders" which is an incredibly complex network of elaborate character motivations best summed up as "people trying to not get killed by alien mothballs." The movie takes place around Christmas, following the exciting adventures of the Polonia Family and their quest to defeat the nefarious invaders intent on crashing their holiday celebration. It really says something when the cast of your movie is your immediate family. For example, it says you suck and nobody wants to be in your stupid film.
The Feeders, not content with ruining just one family's Christmas, decide to attack Santa Claus and ruin Christmas for everybody. They do this by teleporting onto his flying sled and chewing on him and his elf helper. Santa crashes to the ground and vows revenge, deeming them "Christmas saboteurs." The Polonias rescue Santa and initially do not believe he's the real Santa Claus, possibly because he's just some dumb oaf in a shitty costume. After Santa pulls out a few Christmas miracles, like making an anti-alien laser gun appear and then teleporting a bomb up into a UFO by simply rubbing his nose like a cocaine addict, the Polonias become believers. It's a wonderful holiday treat of a movie which can be valued and appreciated any time throughout the year just as long as you are amused by horrible special effects, non-existent acting skills, and a plot which was generated by a broken Speak N' Spell. God bless you Polonias and McBrides throughout the world. God bless you all. (Full review here...)
I'm serious when it comes to all these films; I own each and every one of them on either DVD or VHS and have played them all for my friends. They are the best worst films I have ever seen and are guaranteed to entertain almost anybody. If you're looking for a good time and don't have the cash for a fancy hooker, buy or rent one of these movies. Trust me, you won't regret it.
Do you have any horribly hilarious movies that I may have missed? Email me with 'em!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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