Thank you for purchasing your fire from Fireco! In this hectic modern life of avoiding tar pits and discovering which delicious plants aren't poisonous the hard way, we know you want fire but just don't have the time to gather a bundle of dried branches in your arms and run toward the distant sounds of thunder. Who does? Our company's mission is to provide our fellow cavemen with the mystical flames they don't understand at an affordable price of mere pebbles. We proudly stand behind every fire that we sell, and you can trust us because we're an established company which has been in business since the year that mammoth fell off the cliff and landed on Ook's prized dirt collection.
1... About Your Fire
2... Setting Up The Fire
3... Proper Use And Care
5... Contact Us
About Your Fire
Fire is a wonderful and mysterious thing. Its enchanting flames lick outward and upward hypnotically as if beckoning you to stick your face in them (note: this feaure has not yet been tested). Its full range of benefits are not yet known, but there are already a number of documented things you can do with fire such as:
- Look at the fire
- Think about it
- Point directly at the fire and hoot excitedly
- Attract murderous pterodactyls to your campsite while you sleep even though they've been extinct for millions of years
- Point in the opposite direction of your fire and hoot excitedly (advanced users only)
- Forget about the fire when you leave to hunt, only to be surprised and delighted to see it if you come back alive
...and more! Village elders are researching fire more and more every day, their superior twenty year old brains working in overdrive to make sure that early adopters such as yourself can continue to benefit from your investment with new uses for this exciting technology on a regular basis.
Setting Up The Fire
First, find a nice spot on the ground that's flat and relatively free of debris and flowing lava. Now place the fire on the ground, making sure you do not wander into a stream or lay down and put the fire on your chest. This would simply not work out, as humans move around entirely too much for the average fire to survive on them for long. Assuming you haven't been struck by a meteorite or died from a cold, you should now be able to step back and enjoy your fire!
Proper Use And Care
Fire was designed to interface with a number of external devices, such as branches and other tree-based media. Trees and fire have a mutually beneficial relationship, as trees actually prolong a fire's life and make it larger and healthier while fire completely consumes trees. It's a win-win situation!
Be careful not to collect dozens of logs and set a tremendous inescapable blaze that completely surrounds your tribe! Such open flaunting of your newly acquired gadget is often seen as being in bad taste, and can make others jealous. Stick to a small fire within your cave. For now.
Do NOT attempt to use water on your fire, as it can cause severe damage and could even destroy your fire completely. This is a technical bug which is being addressed, and as soon as we find a fix for it we'll gladly replace your current fire with an updated model free of charge.
TroubleshootingAnother satisfied customer.
Q. Why do I experience an unpleasant sensation when I leave my feet in the fire for extended periods?
A: Think about what happens when you eat a delicious buffalo until your stomach begins to hurt. What you are experiencing is simply too much of a good thing. Pace yourself and enjoy putting your feet in the fire for a few minutes at a time instead of all at once.
Q. I used to fall asleep when it got dark, but now the fire illuminates my barren surroundings in a harsh glow that seems to spotlight the loneliness of my existence and the futility of struggling every waking moment just to survive in a world where no one cares about me. I haven't slept in days. Am I doing something wrong here?
A. Most people see the fire's glow as warm and comforting, so you might want to try using a different wood to keep it going. That should change the fire's hue and fix all your problems.
Q. I accidentally dropped some rabbit meat into my fire while gesturing to my dying brother that there wasn't enough food for him, and it had a very strange reaction. The meat turned an unappetizing color but produced a positively mouth-watering smell. Eat or don't eat?
A. DO NOT EAT. This question comes in fairly often, and until we study the exact effects of fire on food we must stress that you refrain from ingesting the contaminated items.
Q: There's this gigantic wall of ice advancing directly towards me. It's covering a tremendous distance every few minutes and will probably overcome me very soon if I don't run for it. I'm scared and all, but this cave is totally sweet now that I've got a fire. I'm very reluctant to leave. What should I do? Right now I'm just sort of standing around and facing away from it in the hopes that if I ignore it, it might leave me alone.
A: Sounds like a good plan to us! Don't forget that if you do decide to move, we'll transport your fire to your new home free of charge. (editor's note - He never did reply to take us up on our offer, so it appears as though he stayed put after all. Congrats!)
Q: Fire kill my family! What you do? What you dooo?
A: Nice try. Much like a sharpened stick, the only way fire can cause harm to someone is by falling off a high shelf as was clearly described in the warning on the front page of this guide. There's simply no way a fire fell off a shelf and bonked an entire family in the head all at once.
We're always available to answer your questions and field suggestions to improve our product! To contact us, simply make your way to the old sacrifice shrine then turn left and keep going until you reach the really big rock. If you reach the slightly bigger rock, you've gone too far. Once you're in the right spot just start shouting and someone will be with you as soon as possible.
Thanks you once again for your business, and feel free to tell your friends about us if you're able to communicate!
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.