Cyber Gravy Boat Schematic 3472.81bThe internet has created a countless number of wonderful, amazing treasures that mankind will cherish until the end of time. From bronies to rotating skull animated gifs, the online world has enriched our culture in remarkable ways that will last for generations to come. This testament to mankind can best be witnessed in the website Fiverr.com, a unique service allowing individuals to sell nearly any good or service for five dollars.
Five bucks coincidentally seems to be the going rate for human dignity, as many fiverr.com users offer to film video testimonials promoting or advertising any product of your choice. It doesn't matter if they've never seen or used the item; your five bucks will buy their glowing personal endorsement! To see how much shame I could purchase for $5, I created a fiverr.com account under the name "Greg Marmalard," a fictional yet highly foreign man with an incredible product that will take the world by storm: the Cyber Gravy Boat. I chose 10 worthy candidates (8 responded) and sent them $5 along with the following message:
Hello and Greetings for you! My name is Greg Marmalard, CEO of Global Business Co Productions! We are a new company and will be producing a new line of products for this Americans people. I am a greatfan of your video and would love you a testimonial for a website we will create of our product!
The product we have created is what called "Cyber Gravy Boat." The information on this product is as follows:
Thank you very much for your incredible service that I await eagerly! We are very confident in the success of our product and cannot wait to add your talented video to our upcoming website! Please if you need more information to contact me! Blessings!
With such an extensive list of breathtaking features, the Cyber Gravy Boat could easily sell itself. However, I wanted to benefit from "the human factor" available only through several $5 purchases on fiverr.com. I now present to you the exciting results, with commentary and reviews from @fart and myself!
Lowtax: Lucy's decision to film her testimonial inside what appears to be a very confusing closet is edgy and colorful, consistent with her Baltimore Ravens-striped shirt. Unfortunately, she projects a lack of confidence in the Cyber Gravy Boat, ultimately causing her message to fall flat. Her effort to capture the youth demographic towards the end, employing words such as "cool" and "awesome," might turn away potential teenagers looking for a gravy boat or those who prefer their audio and video to be in sync. 4 / 10
@fart: The star doesn't sound fully convinced about the benefits of the Cyber Gravy Boat, but the sense of apprehension might come from her surroundings-- either the stockroom of a thrift store or backstage at some abandoned theater. Lucy was paid $5 for this performance but this a $1.50 job at best. 3 / 10
Lowtax: "Ally" goes with the no-nonsense, clinical approach towards gravy boat salesmanship. The stark white background combined with her flight-attendant method of speaking appeals to professionals looking for a gravy boat without all the razzle-dazzle of modern marketing. I can confidently declare this woman has a bright future ahead of her in the gravy boat commercial industry. 9 / 10
@fart: This rather stoic and uninteresting presentation would be perfectly suited for an employee training video at Cyber Gravy Boat HQ, but we're not going to move any units to the public with this snoozer. Where's the feeling? Aren't you excited? It's Cyber! 4 / 10
Lowtax: I want to punch this woman. 0 / 10
@fart: Michelle has all the hopped-up enthusiasm of a 1980's Tandy salesperson AND seems to have memorized the material! She even ad-libs and questions how the Cyber Gravy Boat can be both buoyant and machine washable, while still somehow not wondering if the entire premise of a Cyber Gravy Boat is completely absurd. Just $5 for this? We should've paid $10! 10 / 10
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.