Lowtax: Wow! Kandi somehow managed to purchase a permit and film in front of the world-famous Radio City Music Hall! Now that's what I call dedication to the craft. She displays a heart-warming sense of joy and exuberance, despite the collection of strawberry Twizzlers glued to her head. The testimonial ends with her repeating the name of the product, which is the mark of a true Radio City Music Hall professional. 8 / 10
@fart: New York! The Big Apple! Why? Who cares, I'm convinced, I'll take 3! 6 / 10
Lowtax: James starts off strong by revealing he's been "searching the internet for a new gravy boat," lending a personal touch to his testimonial which will undoubtedly help him connect to the millions of other Americans currently searching the internet for a new gravy boat. I'm not sure why he goes on to talk about chemical bonding agents, but I won't be the one to question a man sitting in front of the world's pussiest plant. The jump cuts are questionable, but James makes up for this by claiming the Cyber Gravy Boat has "helped me out tremendously in my work." 10 thumbs up for you, good sir. 10 / 10
@fart: James' real-sounding bonding company required a new gravy boat, and he chose none other than the Cyber Gravy Boat. The bluetooth technology and other advanced features earn attention from James' very special and mysterious third thumb. 8 / 10
Lowtax: Vanessa employs the use of nonstop hand gestures, revealing her true Cyber Gravy Boat passion. While it overjoyed me to hear her promote the ability to control the unit with an AM radio, her overall presentation sounded like she was simply reading through a bullet-pointed list. Which she was. But hey, boobs. 6 / 10
@fart: Vanessa's trustworthy and knowledgeable attitude gives the buyer confidence, and her thick accent makes me feel like I'm buying a futuristic gravy boat built by unorthodox foreign genius-scientists that have been working on this project since the end of the Cold War. $5 well spent. 9 / 10
Lowtax: "Roiwalther" seems to be holding a large cauldron of soup in front of him while staring offscreen the entire testimonial. And I could be mistaken here, but I believe he filmed this in front of an exploding supernova. "Cyber Gravy Boat will be your buy of the year" is some wonderful ad-libbing, even if it appears he's saying this to some phantom accomplice standing to the left. 5 / 10
@fart: What's a Cyber Gravy Boat? With all the charm of a recently-reformed soccer hooligan, I want to fall asleep in roiwalther's burly arms. 6 / 10
Lowtax: Something about this lady scares the crap out of me, and fear generally isn't an emotion companies want to invoke when selling gravy boats. Using a desk lamp to Illuminate the interior of a FEMA tent might have been an artistic decision, but I don't think it will connect well with the consumers. She cheerfully presented the unit's many features, but the words behind the gravy boat rang hollow. 4 / 10
@fart: A decent presentation, but the way Len closes her eyes for extended periods reminds me of a video I saw in high school about detecting quaalude users. Although using the Cyber Gravy Boat would likely cause euphoric lethargy in customers, the boys upstairs wouldn't want that in the commercial. 5 / 10
My fiverr.com adventure proved to be both successful and fulfilling, producing a handful of videos that can only be described as "the best Cyber Gravy Boat testimonials that $5 can buy." The next time you're looking for shameless individuals who will recite any nonsense you provide them, search no further than fiverr.com. Three thumbs up!
This collection of sponsored links is presented by the Feather Wallpaper Council.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.