Hey all,

I know you have been wanting updates on Kelly's condition. As you know she was parasailing ten days ago on Lake Pontchartrain and had an accident. Her leg was seriously injured and when she landed in the lake she caught some infection. After failed treatments with over the counter medication she has been in St. Bethany's special care unit for the past few days.

It is a miracle our daughter is alive. She had to have her legs removed because of the infection, which then spread to her left hand, and her fingers shriveled up like little black raisin stacks and I said to Paula, "This is gonna be it for Kelly" but we prayed a lot and sure enough the doctor was able to save her by cutting off all four fingers and just leaving a little thumb. I joked to Paula and said well that's God's way of letting her hitchhike but then that night her thumb turned black also and in the morning had to be cut off.

Kelly is currently on a ventilator and needs a lot of blood, so if any of y'all got any extra blood, please come down to St. Bethany's and drop it off. Please pray for Kelly. She is our miracle girl and I thank God for saving her and helping her beat this.

Don and Paula


Hey all,

it is amazing to watch this miracle in progress. Kelly was awake for a few minutes today and her mom was able to tell her that her legs, hand, and part of her back were removed by doctors. She passed out again before we could tell her that the doctor wants to remove her breasts, part of her intestine and her left kidney. What a miracle! We are hoping that God will give us another one and she can come off the ventilator tomorrow morning

Don and Paula


Hey all,

Just a quick update.

Kelly's hair, ears and teeth all fell out overnight. We are so proud of her. What a miracle!

Don and Paula


Hey all,

I arrived at the hospital early this morning and Kelly was awake and her face was dripping off. It was such a blessing to see her smile drop onto the bandages on her chest. The doctor was able to scrape it back onto her drippy skeleton head and sort of mush it all together so it was shaped like a person. We thanked God for answering our prayers.

Don and Paula


Hey all,

Paula and I spent the night at the hospital instead of the Best Western so we could be by her side. God just keeps giving us so much. This morning it was watching our little girl turning into a bubbling liquid with two floating, horrified eyeballs and a pulsating brain sac. The doctor scooped her into a bucket and he said that she might be able to hear us if we talk real loud so we yelled ourselves hoarse.

Paula has been reading Sookie books to her and I showed her a picture of her sister at graduation. She is so strong in her big pickle bucket with a car battery attached. The doctor even said we may get to bring her home tomorrow but I need to get an aquarium pump first.

Thank you for all your prayers. I think we've finally got this thing beat!

Don and Paula

If you're looking for a book about something that might eat you faster than bacteria, look no further than Liminal States, the debut novel from Zack Parsons.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.