The legendary giant Cheeto. Is it friend or foe?
Fellow people of the planet earth, something very strange and exciting is going on. Paranormal activity has recently been taking the world by storm, and might even be some sort of sign. Perhaps even a sign from the heavens that a great change is coming and we will be part of the new plan that has to do with eating snacks. Of course I am speaking of the The giant Cheeto that was found at Pearl Harbor, and mailed to the residents at Algona, Iowa last week causing a flurry of activity. The small town of 5,400 quickly embraced the huge Cheeto, claiming it was the most exciting day since ole Cooter fell off his barn and broke his spine. A media circus from all over the world descended on the small town, taking pictures of the Cheeto next to a quarter, and conducting thousands of interviews with the people that were blessed with the tasty behemoth. The town of Algona welcomed the reporters with open arms, reaping the benefits of their big city money, and loose news anchorwomen. Even the Catholic Church sent a team of church officials to see if the Cheeto had any resemblance to Mary. Alas they were let down since it only had a slight bearing of TV's Scott Baio if the sun hit it just right, disappointing the country of Mexico, but delighting fans of "Charles in Charge". While the town of Algona is enjoying their time in the spotlight, the big question for everybody still remains: Where did this monstrosity of cheesy goodness come from?
Some people have suggested that this freakish aberration of snack was caused by a factory error, and that it’s really no big deal at all. These people have been marked as enemies to the Cheeto cause, and have been labeled “no fun” by the public. Never before has a large piece of food caused such a stir throughout the world. This Cheeto-mania has prompted the internet's top conspiracy theorists to put on their crazy caps and try to explain who is responsible for this, and the long lasting impacts it might have in mankind's future endeavors. Here are a few of the more prominent giant Cheeto theories that have come to the forefront on the nutjob circuit:
US Government Plot:
One of the theories is that the large Cheeto is pro-war propaganda by the US Government. As you know, the United States will be going to war very soon against the rogue nation of Iraq. Unfortunately for the Bush cabinet, this war is not very popular abroad or even on the home front. This theory states that it’s more than just a coincidence that the Cheeto appeared just as the security counsel was preparing to meet about Iraq, and that the large Cheeto was crafted by a team of government scientists deep in the Pentagon, and then planted by CIA agents in Pearl Harbor. The goal of this subterfuge was to take the public's attention away from the war in Iraq by dazzling them with the large snack, therefore giving the US Government a free hand to move in the Middle East without any bothersome protests. The theorists go on to proclaim that the last stage of this nefarious plot is that the government will tell the public that Iraqi terrorists have stolen the large Cheeto and is keeping it in Baghdad as a spoil of war. This will prompt the populace to join the war effort to retrieve this most holy American icon by any means necessary, even if it means granting George Bush power to slaughter congress, seizing the scepter of power with a bloody, clenched fist.
Global Masonic Network:
A plot has been discovered so vast that it boggles one's mind and makes one drop one's hot coffee on one's groin. The evil Masonic network of these satanic roustabouts have concocted a scheme so insanely diabolical, and large in scope that most of the public cannot even begin to imagine the implications. This global terror group created the large Cheeto, distracting the world while they weave their web of terror around us. The Cheeto is a high pitched frequency receiver that steals our personal information such as addresses, bank account numbers, and names of our children. They will use this information to steal all of our money, and then rape and murder our children while our minds are being brainwashed by this most evil of food creations. Once all the children are raped and murdered, the Cheeto will explode, sending hot searing cheesy shrapnel into any humans in the vicinity, and scoring another victory for the Global Masonic Network.A Japanese decoded Cheeto. With this information, Pearl Harbor is lost.
Cold Resistant Giant Nazi Super Soldier Elves:
This theory is a little "far out" and is only believed by one man who lives in a box who thinks he's Abraham Lincoln. This man says he has proof that the Cheeto was intended for a race of giant Nazi elves. Apparently Nazi scientists created a race of cold resistant giant elves in order to take Moscow during the freezing winter months. The experiment was a success, but it was too late for them to be implemented, and they were sent to Poland to build the Furhur's long planned theme park "Happyland". If you ask the lone believer of this theory for his proof, he will pretend he has diarrhea, and escape out the bathroom window while you are waiting for him, making you have to pay for his chicken finger basket.
Another "Axis" theory is that the Japanese are planning to attack Pearl Harbor again. Apparently they have secretly launched a carrier task force that is headed to Hawaii to sink our fleet with new and improved Zero planes. Japanese agents at Hawaii have planted the giant Cheeto as a coded message to begin the attack. When the Cheeto is decoded by special means only known by the Imperial command and some guy who came up with this conspiracy, they can see all of our fleet information stationed at Pearl Harbor. Not only is their numerical information translated, the geographical information and the US admiral's bathroom patterns are found out as well. If some brave soul does not eat the Cheeto before the fleet arrives, all could be lost in the Pacific to these Pokeman watching bastards.
As the numerous rumors about the Cheeto flew about the internet, the town of Algona enjoyed the attention from the large snack. Mayor Lynn Kueck, named March 13th "The Giant Cheeto Day", and declared a "Name the Giant Cheeto" contest. The most popular names so far have been "Mr. Cheesy", "Sir Cheese-a-lot", and "Vin Diesel". The lucky winner of the contest wins a $25 Frito-Lay gift certificate, and a lusty night with the large Cheeto. Other events on "The Giant Cheeto Day" included firecrackers, square dancing, and a fun game where all the townspeople dress up like Cheetos and dance around the large bonfire to honor the Great Cheeto. Once the last piece of wood is thrown on the fire, everybody rushes to touch the Great Cheeto. Whoever is last to touch it gets thrown on the fire to appease the Great Cheeto's thirst for human suffering, and to grant a rich crop reaping in the coming harvest. Strangely enough, the media is so fixated on this one strange event that other similar events are being overlooked. Here are just a few amazing discoveries that have taken place this past week, but missed by the mainstream media.
Huge Cheez-It in Great Falls, Montana
The city of Great Falls is in stir right now after a local mechanic found a giant Cheez-It while on his lunch break. The local radio stations were called and soon the everybody was fixated on the huge Cheez-it. Production halted to a stop, and schools were suspended, as the Cheez-It was put on display in the City Hall. The powers that be in Great Falls planned to have a giant Cheez-It parade with streamers and crazy floats, yet all these dreams crumbed when a portly child devoured the giant Cheez-It when nobody was watching. He was catapulted into the sun.BRETT FARVE SHOCKER: "I'm more of a Munchos fan".
Enormous Funyun in Sheboygan, Wisconsin
As a Sheboygan farmer got his equipment ready to tend to his crops, he smelt onion in the air. Since he only grew corn, this made him very suspicious. Following this odor led him to his barn where he found a most curious discovery. A Funyun as big as a hog was sitting on a bale of hay. The farmer put it in the back of his truck and brought it to the city, causing a storm of excitement. The Mayor of Sheboygan gave the Funyun the keys to the city and named it an honorary number of the Rotary Club. Even the Green Bay Packer's Brett Farve came to visit the Funyun, although caused controversy when he stated "I'm more of a Muncho fan".
Monstrous Fiddle Faddle in Greeley, Nebraska
This giant food discovery dwarfs all others in scope and size. Two monstrous pieces of Fiddle Faddle the size of refrigerators were found in a rock quarry in Greeley, Nebraska making the local populace praise the discovery as a true miracle of God. The sick and poor made pilgrimages to the Fiddle Faddle claiming that after they touched it's carmel goodness, a windfall of good luck came to them and their family. There was even a report that the parents of a blind baby rubbed it's face on the huge snack, and afterwards the baby had perfect 20/20 vision. A famous evangelist quickly bought the Fiddle Faddle from the rock quarry owners and have been touring around the south, curing the weak and possessed with this most tasty of miracles.
UPDATE: The Monstrous Fiddle Faddle in Greeley, Nebraska turned out to be a hoax. It was constructed by a group of 2nd graders out of cardboard and carmel. The evangelist is still touring with the large Fiddle Faddle on "donation tours", and refuses to believe the lies of Satan that it's fake.
I think I can speak for everybody when I say that just like 9/11 (never forget), this giant Cheeto, has changed the world forever, but in a good way instead. This extraordinary event has not only enriched the lives of the people directly affected by the Cheeto, but also the whole world who followed the events unfolding on every TV network, and newspaper. I would like to think that all the people at odds today, whether they be American, and French, Muslim, and Christian, or me and Ben "Greasnin" Platt, put aside our differences to join hands in awe at the giant Cheeto, and that my friends, is most excellent.
(PS- Ben "Greasnin" Platt is a terrible playwright and only got his various awards because they thought he had cancer. I tipped them off that he was just going bald so they should be revoking them pretty soon.)
State Og: Eat It, Pink Boy!
Hiya folks, it's your State Og representative (and current Tiddly Winks world champion) Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell once again. Our recent advertising campaign has been a splendid success, and word has really gotten out about our humble multinational conglomerate. When questioned at gunpoint, more than 100% of the people we surveyed said that the first thing they think of when they hear the word "Saturday" is State Og! Also, 24% of the people we pistolwhipped just for fun afterwards crossed their eyes in a very humorous way when struck. I'm really not sure what that indicates, but we'll definitely have to conduct some more research on that.
Tired of being more broke than Idaho? Tried every pyramid scheme out there to make some cash, yet come up empty-handed every time? Well those days are in the past, as State Og is proud to announce the creation of the Multi Level Money Making Pyramid Plan! What sets the MLMMPM (the extra 'M' is for Money!) apart from other pyramid schemes is that participation in it guarantees riches so vast Middle Eastern oil barons will slap their faces and go, "Whaaaaaaaa???"
You like what you see? Head on over to State Og, where dreams come true as long as they're about reading State Og.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.