Here's my problem: I've got a bunch of surefire business ideas that will make me the world's richest man, but nobody is willing to give me millions of dollars and do all the work to get them started. Since this site is the only way I communicate with the outside world, aside from scrawling obscene backwards messages in the grime covering my windows, I figured I'd run these great ideas up a public flagpole and see who salutes them with dollars.
Youth Transition Counselor
No parent wants to have difficult conversations with their child. Like George Clooney in Up in the Air, the Youth Transition Counselor would sit down with your children and calmly, concisely and professionally explain that there's no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy. Maybe he'd even have some pamphlets on hand to help your child cope with the transition. For an additional fee, the Youth Transition Counselor could then forthrightly explain the mechanics of sex and reveal the inevitability of death.
For monthly subscription fee, the sockman comes to your door and delivers a fresh, unworn pair of socks every single day. You choose the style and color; premium dress socks and hiking socks available upon request for a nominal fee. The socks will be heated in the winter and chilled in the summer. At the end of the day, just throw the socks away; if you're feeling generous, the sockman will collect your used socks the next morning and donate them to a worthy charity. If you're not willing to pay for this, you're either broke or the world's dumbest guy.1clip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List" />
Difficult Movie Hotline
Even the smartest moviegoer will sometimes walk out of a movie scratching his head. "What was up with the ending? Did he die, or what?" What if you could call a 1-900 number and let a cheerful film expert explain the plot of Memento, close all the plot holes in Minority Report and speculate on the ending of Being There? It would provide a valuable service to the film industry, and it would rake in cash like gangbusters whenever a new David Lynch movie came out. It would also stimulate the economy by creating minimum-wage jobs for millions of unemployable film majors.
No restaurateur should be without a good Ralphie in his employ. I'd like to start an agency that represents men and women blessed with the ability to projectile vomit at will. I'd send these "Ralphies" out to restaurant managers, who would hire them to visit competing restaurants during peak hours. The Ralphie would stand up, loudly complain that the food is spoiled, and then vomit on as many people as possible.
Embarrassing Item Delivery
You pay online, and one of our personal shoppers will go out and buy you all the condoms, pornography, Preparation H, tampons for your girlfriend and My Chemical Romance CDs you want. You'll hear a knock at your door, and you'll open it to find a plain brown parcel sitting on your porch. Our agent will already be gone, and you'll never have to make eye contact with anyone.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.