This article is part of the Fur Trapper Saga series.
TRAPS THAT NEVER FAIL
Our most humble servant, C. A. Freeman, has found a new passion and means to serve this outfit. After THE BONES IN HIS HANDS WERE MANGLED BEYOND REPAIR during a period of turbulent business, he lost his ability to act as our auditor. Not wanting to let him go after so many years of great service, I saw fit to keep him on as a valued member of the Fouke Fur Co. family. He did many odd jobs during this time, acting as a buttress for a shed, as well as a rack for coats, hats, and other items.
Always eager to do good work, C. A. Freeman has found a new specialty: Testing the effectiveness of the traps we sell. This brave and compassionate man is not above self sacrifice to help ensure that the products we sell are the absolute finest.
Why just yesterday I observed C. A. Freeman, S. S. Marks, and D. J. Halley testing a stately new Oneida Double-Jawed Jump Trap, which grips like nothing else on the market. And, as R. J. Heckwolf remarked, "Must conceal its remarkable danage in the form of psychic pain." In spite of horrible, irreparable damage to his leg, there was only minimal disturbance to the skin. C. A. Freeman can surely attest to the overwhelming strength of the trap, AS HE HIMSELF BEGGED FOR DEATH UNTIL HIS VOICE WAS BUT A SCRATCHY WHISPER. Thankfully, after some hours, we were able to figure out the trap's intricate release mechanism and free him. This added layer of protection will prevent any cunning animal from finding its way out of your trap.
Now recovering, C. A. Freeman is eager to help test the upcoming line of Newhouse traps, which promise more pounds of pressure than any other traps on the market. If these traps are good enough for men, then they are certainly an honor for any animal!
The Oneida Double-Jawed Jump Trap is available in a wide range of sizes in this very catalogue. The experienced and dedicated trapper would be ill-prepared without one!
A PARTING PROMISE
In today's fur market, the educated trapper and shipper has more choice than ever. With Brown Fur Amalgamated and Swanton Furs each vying for an increased piece of the pie, you might wonder what sets the Fouke Fur Company apart from the competition? It is more than just the integrity I bring to each and every transaction, or my commitment to selling only the finest supplies available. It is not even my sacred obligation to offer the greatest prices in man's storied history. IT IS THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE BUYING FROM A MAN WHO WILL BACK UP HIS WORDS WITH ACTIONS. Furthermore, I attest that these actions will be Christian and in no way impugn your dignity or the dignity of your wives, mothers, or daughters. Let J. F. Swanton make that claim.
Ask A. P. Brown how he deals with customer dissatisfaction. Then ask the same of J. F. Swanton, if you can rouse him out of the squalid opium dens he calls home. Dedicated men these may be, they are not men keen to admit mistake, let alone take responsibility. How do I deal with customer dissatisfaction? I do not! For in my fifty years of service to this great fur industry, never once have I left one of my customers dissatisfied. The hundreds of thousands of trappers and shippers who know my name and who have shaken my hand will agree with me when I say this: THERE IS NO MORE REPUTABLE AN OUTFIT IN ALL OF CREATION THAN THE FOUKE FUR COMPANY!
And here's my name to say so.
P. B. Fouke
Pres. & Gen. Mgr.
Fouke Fur Co.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The esteemed P. B. Fouke, villainous J. F. Swanton and technocratic blowhard A. P. Brown battle for fur market supremacy in this series of old-timey dispatches.