This article is part of the Fur Trapper Saga series.
Concerning the Amazing Prophetic Visions I Received in My Comatose State
My time spent in a coma was not for waste: I was host to two separate and powerful prophetic visions given to me by the Lord Himself. I would ask you to indulge me in sharing these visions, but it is not a request. What you are about to read concerns both your fate and the fates of your loved ones. I SHALL NOW REVEAL TO YOU THE SACRED PLAN CONCEIVED BY THE LORD ABOVE, to be made whole by his chosen instrument -- a role that I am most honored and humbled to play on your behalf!
In the First Vision, I saw the great cities of the world destroyed by an army of beasts ten billion strong. Even with all his technology and prowess, man was not able to fight off this great threat. The cities fell one by one, and the bodies of men, women and children riddled the streets. THIS TERRIBLE LEGION OF CLAW, TOOTH, HORN AND HUNGER LAID WASTE TO THE SUM OF MAN'S CREATION.
As I bore witness to this horrifying revelation, I could not help but wonder why man had allowed the beasts to multiply in such numbers. Why had man not been doing a better job maintaining his dominance over the animal kingdom? I wept believing all hope to be lost.
Just as I grew to accept my role as last witness to the fall of man, the Second Vision was visited upon me. This time I saw a familiar sight: the Fouke Fur Company's beautiful headquarters in St. Louis, Missouri. Except now this familiar sight was home to the miraculous. It remained untouched by the beasts! Surrounded by thousands of intact houses, churches, businesses and walls reaching 100 feet into the sky, THE FOUKE FUR COMPANY REMAINED DEFIANT IN THE FACE OF OVERWHELMING HORROR.
Floating above the main building of this great Fouke Fur City was A GIANT GOLDEN CYLINDER STRETCHING TEN MILES LONG AND EXACTLY 1,681 FEET IN DIAMETER. I realized instantly that this mighty cylinder was a symbol of God's sacred covenant with the Fouke Fur Company, and one soon to be made material. A voice without body or form then told me that this cylinder will ferry 185,678 trappers and shippers to GOD'S CHOSEN WORLD OF KOMBAR.
I was then taken on a journey through the celestial voids to this great world of Kombar, where I observed unimaginable beauty and exotic beasts of splendid color and soft fur. It was explained to me that these beasts housed the imprisoned spirits of our departed loved ones, and that only by trapping and skinning them could we free those spirits to rejoin us. The voice called these trapped spirits the Ebonites, the angel race.
On the Construction of Fouke Fur City: the Gateway to Kombar
My loyal trappers and shippers, know you this: TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! I have already ordered the construction of houses, schools, shops, churches, and walls around this great facility, and I invite you to COME HELP ME BUILD FOUKE FUR CITY.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
It's time we stop tolerating lawlessness in our cities and coddling these criminals. Twenty seconds to comply is too long for ED-209 to get the job done.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The esteemed P. B. Fouke, villainous J. F. Swanton and technocratic blowhard A. P. Brown battle for fur market supremacy in this series of old-timey dispatches.