This article is part of the Fur Trapper Saga series.
You need not bring money or possession with you, for I offer you a now coin of the realm: Fouke Stock Certificates. The shops of Fouke Fur City will trade exclusively in these certificates. You will all have jobs and shelter here. You will all be cared for in both body and spirit. That is my promise to you.
As space is limited, I must insist that you bring only one loved one. I myself have chosen to invite my dearest friend, Mr. J. F. Swanton. As much as my wife and children please me, they lack J. F. Swanton's extraordinary love for the sport of trapping, and as such will never be able to fully APPRECIATE THE ASTONISHING POTENTIAL KOMBAR HAS TO OFFER. In the new world we may all take new wives. These will be beautiful women with beaming eyes and fine, smooth fur.
It is only a matter of time before the beast army makes its move, thus we must be quick to make ours. The Golden Cylinder is on its way, and we must prepare for our long voyage through the celestial planes. The days ahead of us will be long and taxing. There is so much work to be done.
Our salvation will not come without sacrifice. As M. J. Duddy struggled so valiantly to tether me to this mortal plane, he did so at great personal expense. HE LOST A HAND. All who come to Fouke Fur City must also sacrifice a limb. This will ensure only the worthiest of trappers and shippers find their way into the celestial grounds of Kombar to hunt such beasts as the eight-horned, six-headed neph and the thousand-eyed jade cavynx, which dwells where the Eight Great Rivers of Kombar meet as one. On Kombar, WE WILL EACH OF US BE GRANTED NEW AND BETTER LIMBS!
Come now, friends! Make your way to Fouke Fur City, the Gateway to Kombar! Those who make the journey will survive as the future of mankind. Those who do not will be mourned in the future temples of Kombar.
Savings too Good for this World
In celebration of the Miracle of My Awakening and the Coming of the Golden Cylinder, I ask you all to kindly deduct ninety per cent (90%) from all catalogue prices. May these savings help you as you prepare for the expedition to my city and the long road to Kombar. I EAGERLY ANTICIPATE YOUR ARRIVAL.
And here's my name to say so.
P. B. Fouke
Pres. & Gen. Mgr.
Fouke Fur Co.
Huge thanks go to geno1173 for his awesome rendition of a Fouke Stock Certificate. You will find no finer a Champion of the Arts than he.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The esteemed P. B. Fouke, villainous J. F. Swanton and technocratic blowhard A. P. Brown battle for fur market supremacy in this series of old-timey dispatches.