Dieting trends change by the minute, and today's juice fast can quickly transform into tomorrow's multiple heart attack and disrespectful roadside ditch burial. But while fads come and go, some things never change: namely, the so-called "staple foods" quickly sending you to an early and oversized grave. While these consumables make up a substantial part of the food pyramid, it's not hard to see why this triangular structure is secretly a sinister monument to diabetes, heart disease, and the "Big Dog" line of menswear.
That baguette look tasty? Well, you might as well put a loaded gun in your mouth, fatty, because every roll on your dinner plate is just going to add another unsightly lump to your misshapen excuse for a torso. While many view bread as the culinary "cornerstone of society," that's just more propaganda from Big Flour, which coined the term "bigger than a breadbox" to make loaves of their freshly-baked poison the new standard of measurement in America. And "whole grains" aren't going to save you, either; they'll just give your stomach more work to do until it shrugs and deposits undigested waste into your many folds and ripples. Instead of using bread, try wrapping your sandwich fillings in tissue paper, or simply coat them with a crunchy layer of sand for added texture.
It may be "nature's candy," but this juicy, naturally sweet plant matter carries all the same risks. Go ahead and try eating your way to the bottom of a bag of oranges and get back to me in a year if you have any unamputated feet left. Grapes and cherries? There's a reason why these fruits make up the sugariest of sodas, which drive our teens into sucrose frenzies, causing them to paint their faces, dance wildly, and take part in salacious activities like "backyard wrestling." And bananas, when disposed of improperly, can cause comical mishaps resulting in pulverized hips, shattered femurs, and irritating slide whistle noises. Even worse, fruit is often covertly added to drinks, leaking its citric agenda into otherwise innocent liquids. Play it safe: if someone wedges a lemon or lime into your bottle, shatter it on a nearby surface and scream menacingly until the situation is addressed.
While some of them are known to have health benefits, filling your body with vegetables can have serious consequences. Have you ever walked away from a bowl of carrots feeling satisfied? Has a steaming dish of salted radishes ever put you into a gleefully drowsy, near-fetal, post-Thanksgiving dinner state? Of course not. Eating vegetables will make you completely unfulfilled, leaving the pleasure center of your brain with no choice but to ask "I wonder what pizza's up to these days?" And it's happened to the best of us -- a night that begins with a fresh, crisp plate of kale can easily end after three KFC buckets and a trip to the local sundae bar. Before you shove that broccoli in your mouth, think about what you're going to chase it with.
Source of all life? More like cause of all death. Disregarding the fact that just a tablespoon of it can end your miserable existence, the intake of water simply gets your body ready to ingest more food, which has been shown to be the number one cause of weight gain. Dehydration keeps your skin dry and taught, instead of moist, supple, and unhealthy. If you've got a case of "the thirsties," keep your body bloat-free by ingesting your own tears or inhaling the steam of a store-bought humidifier. Or, suck on a commonplace ground stone to intake just the right amount of moisture to keep the brain and heart active. As long as you deny yourself all joy, you'll know you're living well, and are therefore better than all of the people larger than you. Though you may start to bruise easily and begin losing unsightly body and head hair, your expensive fainting couch will practically pay for itself.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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