As you should all know, Something Awful.com was founded and is poorly maintained by Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka. Long-time fans have no doubt laughed heartily at his comedy antics, and probably would be interested to know a little more about the man behind the mirth. That's where I come in. Since I know Lowtax better than most readers - I hang out with him occasionally in "real-life" and whatnot - I thought I'd write an inspired little piece of fan fiction to better familiarize you loyal readers with this fascinating little fellow. Actually, fan fiction is an inaccurate term in this case, since I personally think Lowtax is a whiney stuck-up retard with N'Sync hair. I'm certainly no big fan of his. But I've tried to make this as realistic as possible, in order to give you an accurate peek into Lowtax's personal life. Enjoy!An accurate real-life diagram of Lowtax's apartment, drawn to scale and labeled carefully. (click to enlarge)
Lowtax Saves South Gardens
"Good morning, Spaz!" Lowtax called to his faithful feline, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Did you sleep well? I sure as heck did!" As he bent down to rub Spaz's belly, a grin stretched out upon Lowtax's face like a well-worn hammock. Lowtax had been best buddies with Spaz for as long as Spaz could remember. It was a relationship born to love, enshrined by conviction, and sealed by fate. Spaz winked his whiskers cutely while his master stumbled into the kitchen.
"It's time for breakfast! MEOW MEOW!" Lowtax cackled in glee as he poured a healthy helping of Meow Mix into Spaz's bowl. "Eat hearty me lad, we've got a day of non-stop adventure afoot!" Lowtax prepared a White Russian and a bowl of chili for himself while Spaz thoughtfully chewed his prefabricated chow. Taking the bowl of chili and the tall alcohol-stuffed glass of deceit into his oak-themed study, Lowtax scarfed down his breakfast while reading his morning email. "Here here!" he shouted, "looks like we've got a mission for the day! Put on your best hat because it's cold out. You'll catch your death out there and that would be quite the shame I'd concede!"
Lowtax finished his food and lit his pipe, thoughtfully puffing away while contemplating his alternatives. "On second thought, our mission assignment can be put off until tomorrow… and if it's really important, I am quite certain one of the other agents can keep it real without us mah brothah!" Spaz's ears perked up and he ran mewing into the study, leaping into Lowtax's awaiting arms. "Oh Spaz!" Lowtax cooed, as Spaz playfully licked his best friend's face "You're the best!"Lowtax takes a tumble into the bushes due to his stupid-ass coat, the damn dirty bum. (click to enlarge)
An hour later, Lowtax opened the door of his apartment and held it wide open. "After you, Spaz!" he giggled. Spaz meowed gracefully with a nod of his head and pranced out the door, running down the stairs. "Hey, wait up!" Lowtax called, as he rushed to catch up. Unfortunately, while speeding down the stairs, Lowtax caught his bearskin coat on a gold-plated handrail statue and was flung over the protective barriers, flying headfirst into the bushes. "SHUCKS!" he yelled, as he untangled himself from the bushes. "And I just had my hair done!" His deeply curled hair struggled under the weight of dead leaves, but these foreign distractions were quickly brushed off with a quick slap of the hand. Spaz looked on, thankful that his buddy was unhurt. "Come on, Spazzy," Lowtax grinned, waving his pussy on. "Fate waits for no one, and I'm getting impatient!"
Together, Lowtax and Spaz strolled leisurely through the impeccably landscaped terrain of South Gardens, the apartment complex they'd called home since their move out to California in the early 90's. Before that, Lowtax was an undergraduate engineering researcher at Vandecamp University, contributing to important case studies on the effect of metal oxides on human eyelids. Suddenly, a scream rang out from afar like a church bell in a cloudy room. Lowtax scanned the sky for UFO's and threw his Matrix-styled sunglasses into a nearby trashcan. "Come on Spaz," Lowtax yelled as he raced towards the source of the stifled groan of terror. "Somebody is in a quickness of trouble!"
Arriving on the scene, Spaz quickly noticed an old woman. She was dead and her face was now a bloody splotch on the freshly repaved sidewalk. Spaz meowed skeptically, since he didn't believe in death. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" Lowtax screamed, covering his ears. "This is no time for clever restaurant ideas!" Closing his eyes tight, Lowtax ran steadily to his red Camero sportscar, an ill-advised purchase that had failed to attract the expected hordes of female admirers. With a practiced swagger, Lowtax backed out of his covered parking space and sped towards the exit.
Later, Lowtax was arrested and charged with murder. But thankfully the Police Chief's son was a Something Awful Forum Goon, and the entire police force loved to chuckle at Cliff Yablonski's parade of freaks. So he was quickly freed and still had plenty of time to update his site for the next day, and its next shipment of eager visitors. That night, just before Lowtax powered down the bank of NeXt computers he used to run the website, he received an unexpected knock on his door.Lowtax and his landlord Mr. Petes share a light moment. Good times! (click to enlarge)
"Now Spaz," Lowtax scolded. "Stop meowing at the door! You are a good watch cat, but your behavior is quite unsuitable you slack-jawed reckon ayup!" Lowtax opened his door and was greeted heartily by his good-natured aging landlord, Mr. Petes. "Hello Mr. Petes!" Lowtax chirped, his face once again lighting up in that hammock smile. "What brings you to this neck of my wood?" Mr. Petes smiled. He and Lowtax were great pals. "You have saved South Gardens, Lowtax!" Lowtax clapped both hands to his face with surprise. "You get the award of the day, and you didn't even have to go out and solve an important mission! You simply did the good deed and kept at it, which is why we all love you so much."
"I don't know what to say!" Lowtax stammered, a single tear rolling down his cheek as he accepted his leather reward. "Except that I'm happy to be of assistance, as the mad props always! Right Spaz?"
Spaz meowed and nodded wisely, and a hearty laugh was had by all. Another day and another job well done!
So that's pretty much a glimpse into Lowtax's everyday life. It's really cheesy and sappy, actually. I hate going over to his house because there's too much richy-richy melodrama. And I don't know why he still wears that bearskin coat in California, I guess there's a long story about it but the character refuses to tell me.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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