The Worst Update Ever
I couldn’t update last weekend, so I have to update today. Since Lowtax already posted one of those wacky Fireman Comics yesterday, it looks like I’m going to actually have to write a whole bunch of stuff to constitute an update. This means you readers are in trouble and should probably leave this site right now.
I’m tired from watching movies and playing insane Japanese Dreamcast games over at Lowtax’s house, so there’s no way I can write anything remotely coherent. Instead, I’m just going to start typing whatever I can think of as quickly as I can. I got this idea from some movie where the main character discovered that if he just started writing without thinking about what he was writing eventually he would write down some of his most interesting and revealing thoughts. I doubt this cunning strategy will work for me since I’m a total moron who eats teeth and is deathly afraid of being molested by zoo bee keepers in snake cages, but since I’ve got to fill this page with something, it’s a good as strategy as any. So here we go, for the rest of this news item I’m just going to write whatever comes to my head as fast as my fingers will move:
There was an atom bomb about to explode but being strapped down isn’t going to help anyone in this situation because if you miss the early dressing you won’t be in the movie when you’re waiting around to do something that you really don’t want to do. There’s fifteen dogs on your plate and nobody is getting older watching them so keep yourself in line unless you’re willing to sacrifice something incredibly valuable to you including a watch you don’t really care about. So let’s see where this keeps us in standing in principle office and sitting in a chair because you did nothing wrong except a gym teacher falling off a balance beam to your death. How about an eraser on your head to balance? No I don’t think so Jello because that’s good eating for sandwich cancer. Down at the beach the rules are simple and failure to follow these will result in a penalty. There’s hockey in boxes and nobody opens them for fear of retribution. There’s not going to revenge when the schoolmarm is out of town because businesses are closed for easter if you want to buy a motherboard you’re pretty much out of luck and the Pokemon store has gone out of business and drums are very loud since you can’t play them in the reach of children. This is why aspirin prices aren’t very good.
NOTE: I just realized that this must be the way Scientology and all those other religions wrote their bibles so quickly, since I wrote the above paragraph in seemingly a few seconds. So I’m going to change course here and write a chapter of a bible for a loony cult religion:
CHAPTER 14: THIS IS WHERE YOU BELONG FOR SIZE
The followers of sheep have never been one to complain. When you join our church the complaints are down the drain with the others in the water. If you do not want to drown you must join the teachings and us. There are four kinds of people in the world and none of them have alabaster sand floorings. Sleep only on tiles that you trust or alien spoons are here to protect you that is exactly the protection you do not deserve. Trust in the sanctity of yourself and your leader, since leaders lead where others follow. In the tomorrow land there is something waiting for the members of this church that is out of bounds for non-believers. This prize is worth thousands of dollars but money is no object in this time frame so you might as well give all your money to us so you’ll have golden cubbyholes in your new life. If you get the lead cubbyholes all your loved ones will die very slowly and you don’t want your hot ass wife to rot her ass off do you? This is the word of our god.
There’s your damn update. If you don’t like it, don’t complain to me. You get what you pay for, the best things in life are free, and too many cooks spoil New England Cramps.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.