Happy 3rd of July everybody! On this monumental day a few hundred years ago, America threw off the oppressive shackles of the tyrannical English overlords, and won her freedom by throwing sacks of tea into the ocean, and setting traps just like the ones the Ewoks made in Return of the Jedi. We celebrate this great day by drinking a lot of beer, getting sunburned, shooting off dangerous fireworks into the sky and sometimes at each other, depending on how intoxicated we are. Unfortunately, many Americans don't even know why they are lighting those snakes on the sidewalk and sticking flags in their ears. Most of the public is ignorant when it comes to the history of this great nation. Even in rotten old rainy England, when they are not too busy ejaculating over Harry Potter, they teach about how they got totally owned by the colonists, big time. It's really a shame and I think knowing about the American Revolution should be required for a citizenship, driver’s license, and forklift certification. Today on this most holy of days, I will give a small history lesson to you little assholes, since you were probably raised in public schools. No talking or chewing gum during this update or you'll get the paddle.

This boy is waiting for his dad to come back from Iraq. I'm not going to be the one to break the news.

The English have always been more than happy to spread their seed around the globe, like in the New World, South Africa, and India. They also sent all their criminals to Australia where they would flourish and make the adorable Crocodile Hunter and Russell Crowe. Once Columbus discovered the New World, and Spain started plundering Aztec gold and giving away free smallpox samples in boxes of Tide, the British started getting pretty jealous of their wealth. They sent their own dudes over to this unknown land, but much farther to the north to a place called Roanoke. Unfortunately for them, there was no gold to be found, only swampland and death. They tried to settle the colony three times but failed every time because they forgot matches. Meanwhile, the French founded the city of Quebec and built the first strip club in the New World, bringing trappers and tourists from afar. Fast-forward a few hundred years, and England finally gets it right and has many profitable American colonies that pay taxes. But then England fucks it all up.

The colonists in early America were clever, industrious, and inventive, while the snooty royal English sat on their powdered bums and taxed the daylights out of the poor citizens. A young farmer named George Washington worked under the yoke of the Brits, and had a secret romance with a beautiful girl he was smitten with. The evil local royal magistrate caught wind of the affair and had her throat cut for breaking the "British dudes get to boff the bride first" rule. Washington was devastated, and turned into a vengeful soul whose only goal was to see England in ruins and his people free; kind of like the Punisher, but with wooden teeth. Meanwhile, things in Boston were heating up. The British had taxed the tea so harshly that it prompted the citizens to throw it into the harbor, making the fish caffeine addicts and destroying the English fish and chips market back home. Then a group of rabble-rousers conducted a public protest and a gaggle of British solders opened fire, killing a few of them. This was known as the "shot heard ‘round the world", and woke up over a million Chinamen in the middle of the night, causing the Boxer Rebellions. War was on the horizon, but who will win? You will have to read the rest of the update to find out.

We will now take an unscheduled intermission break for some unbridled patriotism.

America is #1! But how did we become the most powerful and radical nation on the planet? Slavery is the correct answer, but right now we are focusing on the birth of a nation through bloodshed and firecrackers. Soon Washington had assembled some of the greatest minds and best fighters in the land. With these special individuals together, he formed The Founding Fathers, a super group of which the likes the world had never seen.

Thomas Jefferson
This master of disguise was a 007 before his time. A man who works well while in extreme peril, Jefferson was vital behind enemy lines for his intelligence gathering and assassinations. He was also known as a ladies man, and planted the seeds of freedom in more than one womb in his day, no matter the color. He worked best on his own, but enjoyed the company of his fellow Founding Fathers.
Special Attack: Mist of illusion

Deadly colors tear bone and flesh asunder. Take that Redcoats. Benjamin Franklin
His codename is "the wild turkey" and he is a whiz at technology and contraptions. Without Franklin, the American resistance would've been lost for he supplied them with many secret weapons of his own invention. One such gizmo was something called the electricity ball that he discovered one day while flying a kite and eating a watermelon. Once the bolt hit his kite, it electrified the seeds in his mouth, and he spit them out with such velocity that it destroyed a nearby granary. After that he formed the Kite Squad, the most elite and dangerous troops in the colonial forces. One English commander was once overheard saying, " Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Benjamin Franklin."
Special Attack: Power Bolt

Samuel Adams
A man of fiery disputation and temperament, Samuel Adams was a judge by day and an explosives expert by night, just like the show Dark Justice that was on TNT. He experimented with anything with a wick or gunpowder, and is known to have invented the first bottle rocket. Soon, larger versions of the rocket were used effectively to drive the British out of Pennsylvania. He rode a large wild hog into battle usually with two roman candles under his arms, screaming his battle cry "Heeey youuu guuuuuys!". Adams’ use of these explosive devices for securing our freedom is one of the main reasons we celebrate using fireworks every year. He also created a popular beer after his namesake. I don't care much for the Cherry Wheat myself.Special
Special Attack: Bottle Rocket

These talented fighters, along with many other founding fathers, drafted the Declaration of Independence bringing about a full-scale war with England. When the English ships full of troops were in sight, a foppish tart by the name of Paul Revere road through all the towns screaming at the top of his lungs until he was arrested by the constable for disturbing the peace, and is remembered by the Beastie Boys song of the same name. The battle did not go well at the start for the colonists because most of the men were just simple craftsmen and farmers. Some were so keen on independence and freedom that they didn't even listen to the American commanders and just went back home to collect welfare.

If you ever want to know about the true history of America, rent the Patriot.

The English were super evil, like shown in the extremely realistic movie "The Patriot" with Mel Gibson. Gibson plays an old fighter who wants nothing of the war but his son is shot for being a spy, so he turns into a ninja and kills like, 10 British dudes while his infant sons shoot rapid fire muzzle loading rifles. The final battle for America was at Helms Deep where the British breached the wall with an orc bearing explosives. All seemed lost, but then an old friend returned to America to help them in their time of need. Steve Perry mounted a cannonball that sailed over the heads of the British hordes, as he held an American flag under his right arm. He steered towards the British command tent, leaping forward and impaling the King of England with the flag, and then blew up all the rest of the guys in the tent too. Victory was ours, and America was free! Soon after the founding fathers drafted the constitution, ensuring the God-given rights of all men to be free, they enslaved a bunch of black people from Africa to make this country the great economic powerhouse it is today. Hooray for America!

I hope you all learned a little something today. I know I did. Never put your penis in an electrical socket WHILE standing in a tub of water. That second part always gets me. Go on now and get drunk, BBQ some flesh, and blow up some pretty explosives. It's what this country is all about.

(This update is dedicated to the men and women who fought and died at the Alamo. Mexicans are not to be trusted, especially Spokker Jones.)

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.