A gentleman putting his affairs in order.A gentleman who has crossed a Pirate Baron or insulted a Clawman King, causing a bounty to be placed upon his head or a Debt of Claw, should not ask a lady for the moonbucks necessary to pay off the bounty or debt. A gentleman should be self-reliant and capable of solving the problems he creates for himself. If, however, a lady is held for ransom, a gentleman should be prepared to pay the ransom immediately, knowing full well that the lady's father will reimburse him for the expense in full. When the lady is safe, the gentleman and the lady's father may together hatch a plan for revenge. A gentleman who declines to help a lady's father get revenge may never again look that lady in the eye.
When in the presence of miscreant robots, monsters, pirates, or Clawmen, the true gentleman must risk life and limb to keep a lady safe. Never will he waiver in his resolve or give a lady pause to think that he is not up to or fully invested in the task of protecting her. If subdued, the gentleman must do everything in his power to regain control of the situation and defend the lady's dignity as best he can. A man who shrugs off such duty makes himself indistinguishable from the very fiends seeking to endanger the lady. If necessary, a gentleman may enlist the help of other gentlemen to defend a lady or group of ladies. When a Coalition of Gentlemen has completed its task and all ladies are safe, they must not brag to others of their exploits.
A gentleman must never let a Clawman approach a lady, let alone use its claws to claw her. As the Clawman's claws are made of a metal not of this world, they will claw right through her delicate frame. As any good gentleman will no doubt have an anti-claw gizmo in his possession, he should have no difficulty dispelling the monstrosity without endangering the lady. As a lady is want to suffer from the vapors when confronted by a menacing creature, a gentlemen should ensure no harm comes to her unconscious body and no rogues, monsters, or robots carry her away as she slumbers.
If a lady is abducted in a gentleman's absence and taken to a remote laboratory on a barren moon or asteroid, the gentleman must drop all other enterprises and pursue at once the task of rescuing her. The lady should remain brave, knowing that even though her captor may be loathsome and scandalous to no end, and that even though he may well intend to drain her blood, remove her brain, or supplement her femininity with dreadful robotic augmentations, a gentleman of fine pedigree is rushing to the rescue.
The gentleman must remain alert in the execution of this endeavor, minding that the abductor's lair will no doubt be ridden with traps and henchmen. The lady must also do her part by helpfully shouting. While a lady should refrain from shouting and loud outbursts in all other situations, extraordinary circumstances warrant a brief disruption of decorum. The gentleman should follow the shouts of the lady, stopping only to deliver lethal blows of laser and fist to ne'er-do-well attackers.
When rescuing a lady, a gentleman must always have in mind a practical escape plan. He should never drag a lady through an uncertain situation, placing her in further harm. In his approach of and journey through the villain's lair, he will formalize an exact plan of escape that will not diminish a lady's dignity. If he cannot do as much, then he has no business surviving. Upon rescue, a lady's father with give the gentlemen an appropriate reward. If the father is a moon baron, he will give the gentleman a smaller moon or a larger moon that has already been mined.
A gentleman always keeps his rocket in working order.Under normal circumstances, a gentleman must never invite a lady aboard his rocket unless that lady is his wife or he has been granted permission by the lady's father. If it is an emergency, a gentleman may invite or insist that a lady boards his rocket to save her life, though he must not exploit the situation. Because the lady is only aboard the rocket under duress, the gentleman may not make any presuppositions regarding the lady's intentions or interests.
A gentleman should always keep his rocket in a state of perfection. Because a gentleman's rocket is his home and therefore an indication of how he conducts himself in private, it should always be clean and orderly. A gentleman's things inside the rocket should be organized and properly put away. A gentleman must not leave his garments or possessions scattered about or his furniture in a disorganized fashion. If he must hire a maid to achieve this state, then so be it.
A gentleman's rocket should function properly. If it falters or does not operate properly in the presence of a lady, then the lady will know that man is not dedicated. If a gentleman is transporting a lady and his rocket's engines fail, then he must restart them at once. If they cannot be restarted, he must call another gentleman to tow his rocket back to port. Afterwards, he must apologize to the lady and the lady's father and never speak to her again.
If a gentleman's rocket's artificial gravity system fails, then he must not exploit the situation for perverse gains. As a lady will be helpless without gravity, he must apologize and help her return to her seat. He must then wait out the duration of the trip outside the rocket, wearing a space suit, so as not to shame her any further and also to suppress any temptation on his part
A gentleman must conduct himself with the utmost honor at all times, never once taking advantage of a lady or those beneath him. A gentleman must always mind his standing, taking care not to fall out of favor with his peers, his betters, and any lady with whom he might have an association. He must always take care to present himself in a noble fashion to those beneath him, reminding them why he is a gentleman and they are not. A gentleman must never be too soft, else he will fall victim to pirates, scientists, rogues, Clawmen, confidence robots, and monsters. At the same time, a gentleman must never be too hard, for a man of stone will provide no comfort to a lady. Above all, a gentleman must respect a lady. A gentleman who does not does not respect himself, and is thus not a gentleman at all.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.