Ghana Go Crazy!
Ghana's new president the day before his record-breaking speech.I enjoy reading the news. I am not a fan of sports, I don't much care for dancing, and I don't even like those TV shows where the retired sheriff narrates a car driving off a bridge. No, it's just the facts for this Joe Friday, and I specifically demand facts on the African nation of Ghana. I am Ghana's biggest fan! When I heard John Agyekum Kufuor was inaugurated as Ghana's first democratically elected president since achieving independence in 1957, well, you can imagine my excitement. I immediately logged onto my favorite Ghana web site only to discover that John "Big John" Agyekum "Rowdy" Kufuor had delivered a bone-crushing hundred-day address to members of the press.
Actually my reaction was something akin to complete-apathy and annoyance at the fact that someone could conceivably talk about Ghana for a hundred fucking days. The more I thought about it though, the greater the enigma. After a few weeks of trying to come up with more than ten minutes of Ghana topics I decided I simply had to know what Kufuor talked about all that time. I tried checking all of the Ghana AOL chatrooms, but those folks are posers obsessed with the fancy hats produced in Ghana's renowned hat mines. My only recourse was to search ebay for a transcript of the entire address, and much to my joy I found a single copy available for bid. I immediately place a bid on it for 25 cents, but some other Ghana junkie by the name of "-8-JAKufuor-8-" was nearly as determined to have it as me. Over the 5 day duration of the auction the bidding was fierce, see-sawing back and forth until it had reached the ridiculous level of $1.39. Finally, my rival was unable to match my liquid reserves and the transcript was mine.
Since I realize Something Awful readers have the exact same interests as me I have decided to reproduce highlights of the address including excerpts from Kufuor's personal itinerary and the transcript itself. I am putting these in chronological order so that you can see the gradual deterioration in Kufuor's ability to rationally speak on the subject of Ghana.
Kufuor: To make the dirt pits more profitable we need to expand our shovel inventory and hire more dirt pit diggers. Pouring buckets of water on the dirt might soften it.
- Open with Misty's joke about Jesus, David, and Moses playing golf.
- Say "thank you" for electing me.
- Sing national anthem (note: have Mboti find lyrics for national anthem).
- Discuss economic plan for revitalizing dirt pit industry.
Dirt pits are Ghana's number one resource, and President Kufuor takes them very seriously.Kufuor: The real issue here is what happens if you put juice in a juicer? Does the juicer explode or does it make juice juice?
- Play video of yesterday's Jerry Springer show.
- Discuss domestic violence policy.
- Replay video of yesterday's Jerry Springer show.
AP Reporter: I think it would just pour straight through the juicer.
Kufuor: Guards! Seize Him!
BBC Reporter: There aren't any guards.
Kufuor: Well then you seize him!
Kufuor: I have asked a special guest to come speak for us today on the topic of dirt pits. It's my pleasure to introduce Professor Laughs from the Ghana Institute for Dirt Pits. (raises hand puppet from beneath podium).
- Talk about plans to tear down Ghana's Buettikofer's Epauletted Fruit Bats' stadium and build a new stadium to lure Atlanta Braves.
- Oh wait I hate the Braves.
- Make it the Dodgers, they will go where the money is.
- Fire all dirt pit diggers and make them dig diamond pits to raise money for new stadium.
Kufuor: (In a high-pitched voice) Dirt pits are the pitsHAHAHAAHAAAHHAAHHAHAHHAH (Kufuor collapses on stage).
- The sandwiches they are serving for lunch are always peanut butter and jelly. Ask for referendum to demand ham sandwiches or any non-vegetarian lunch menu item.
- We should also get two juice boxes and not one with lunch.
- May 25th to be declared Associated Press Reporter Dale Jarvis day in honor of Dale Jarvis. I think he's cute, I wonder if he'll notice my new tie.
Derelict Who Wandered In: No way, a little O-ring could not cause the whole space shuttle to blow up like that.
Kufuor: How do you know? What is your job mister rocket engineer?
Derelict Who wandered In: I am a rocket engineer…at the dirt pits.
Kufuor: We have to mobilize the Ghana 3rd Armored Division to stop the invaders.
- I think I have arm cancer.
- Mrs. John Agyekum Jarvis.
- Mrs. John Agyekum Jarvis.
- I feel pretty.
Minister of Defense: The…dinosaur riders?
Kufuor: Yes, the dinosaur riders you buffoon!! Their king has two brains.
Minister of Defense: But he's a dinosaur?
Kufuor: With TWO BRAINS! DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?! GUARDS!!!
Minister of Defense: I can show myself out.
Kufuor: I declare war on America!
- Dear Diary, I think I have figured out that if you look up at the tiles above the podium and focus on a point beyond them you will begin to see through time. If everything goes according to plan today I am going to travel back in time and go to Vermont where Dale Jarvis went to school. If I plant subliminal ideas in his developing mind he will no doubt fall madly in love with me in the present.
- My approval rating is up ten percentage points since I started wearing pants again.
- Discuss the pros and cons of pants wearing policy.
- Make Fridays "casual day" and announce victory over dinosaur riders.
MSNBC Reporter: America is a continent.
Kufuor: And you are a blabbermouth. I am declaring war on you instead!
MSNBC Reporter: Just you or all of Ghana?
Kufuor: You are an axis of evil, you ate my sack lunch out of the refrigerator and these atrocities will not go unpunished!
Kufuor: Don't forget tonight is karaoke night!
- I TRIED SO HARD
- AND CAME SO FAR
- BUT IN THE END
- IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER
BBC Reporter: That's what you said yesterday and when we went to the cafeteria for karaoke you were sitting alone and naked covered in grape jelly.
Kufuor: Is that not karaoke?
Kufuor: We will combine all of the dirt pits to form a giant dirt pit that we can then harness for unlimited cheap energy.
- Detail plans to put a vote before parliament to allocate 50% of federal budget to items from Frostygurl's Amazon wish list.
- Have tattoo of Dale Jarvis that I carved into my arm with a shard of broken glass removed.
- Discuss how I manage to gain weight even though I spend almost four hours every day masturbating.
AP Reporter: You can't harness a hole for energy.
Kufuor: That's not what you said last night!
Day 55On day 57 of his address, Kufuor brought in random people from the street to sit and watch him read the backs of several boxes of cereal.
Kufuor: Do you think you can hear color?
- Discuss band name and practice cover of "Big Girls Don't Cry".
- Tell BBC reporter Earl Warren to photocopy fliers for our band and send them to record labels. We will have a battle of the bands and then we will get gigs right and left. They doubt me, but in a month we will be playing the biggest dirt pits in Ghana.
- I think if we had enough gunpowder and big-enough cannonballs we could hollow them out and put people inside and then shoot them at the moon and by God that will teach that moon to sass me.
Kufuor: You're out of order. You're all out of order!
- Finish naming all of the empty chairs in the assembly room, move ahead with discussion on plans to marry the Sean Connery chair to the Yoda chair.
- Throw Sandra Bullock chair out window.
- Sandra Bullock was at her best in the film "Two if By Sea".
- It is definitely arm cancer.
Janitor: Who? Me?
Kufuor: You think you're smart don't you, but you can't dodge that bullet called truth forever.
- You can do it Kufour!!!
- Where there's a will, there's a way!!!
- MY LIFE IS A LIE.
AP Reporter: It's over between us.
Kufuor: I can't hear you! In case you haven't noticed I am listening to my favorite CD on my Sony Discman.
AP Reporter: No you're not; you're holding cups over your ears!
Kufuor: This album is "Sounds of the Ocean".
AP Reporter: I'm leaving you John.
Kufuor: Woooooshhhhhh shhhhhhhh Woooooshhhhh shhhhhhh.
Kufuor: Ghana is just my way of saying I'm sorry.
- Only ten days to go and I break my personal record for the longest amount of time with a live beetle held in my mouth.
- The beetle's name is Herod.
- My name is Dale Jarvis.
- Mrs. Dale Jarvis, III.
- Mrs. Herod Jarvis, IV.
- Mrs. HEROD HEROD, the HEROD.
- Can't spell Herod without G-O-D.
Tour Guide: This is president John Agyekum Kufour, he is on day 90 of his address to the assembled press.
Kufuor: Kill me. Please. For the love of all that is holy, KILL ME. Ooh, and make it look like an accident, I'll collect the insurance money and we can retire together.
Kufuor: The floor will now recognize the honorable senator from Massachusetts.
- Nintendo is Japanese for Ice Cream.
- Ice Cream is Arabic for Nintendo.
- Discuss with Herod.
- MY ARM CANCERS HAVE TURNED INTO CLEAN SHIRTS AGAIN MOMMY.
Janitor: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers bought force to-
Kafuor: BROUGHT FLOORS! BROUGHT FLOORS! YOU ARE OUT A JOB AND AN EXTRA SANDWICH FOR LUNCH. TAKE YOUR HOT MOP AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Janitor: Look, you wrote that on the card, I'm just reading the card. Look!
Kafuor: I don't need to look. Do you look at a card to know what your own name is? I didn't think so. I AM THAT SPEECH.
Kufuor: This pantry has an odd angle to it that has been bothering me for the better part of a day. It is with heavy heart that I tender my resignation as the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. May Narnia prosper without my presence.
- All is lost.
- Ball is tossed.
- Tall is bossed.
- Anthony Michael Hall is boss.
- The Boss is boss.
- SPRINGSTEEN RULES!
Kufuor has scrawled over 200 pages of text on the backs of the transcript sheets. I didn't have time to read it in full - it was very difficult to decipher - but from what I gather he quit his job as president and devoted his energies to writing a Harlequin Romance Novel entitled "The Buccaneer's Sash". After five weeks in the finest hospital in Ghana, Kufuor made an almost complete recovery and has since returned to his job at the presidential dirt pit dictating letters to various characters from Super Mario games.
Cliff Yablonski is Back to Offer Praise for Three Pages of You!
As usual he seems to be in a fairly agitated state! That's where the comedy comes from!
Nice outfit there, Ham Commando. I hope the bus you're waiting for has a trailer hitch the size of a mobile home you goddamn chunkyfucked sack of cottage cheese.
Cliff has once again threatened my life if I don't get you folks to read his Interweb page! Please, for my sake and your own, check it out!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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