Greetings. Since it’s the holidays, and the spirit of giving is spreading through the Internet like a bad case of scabies, I thought that it would be good of me to extend my new crazy business scheme to the loyal readers of Something Awful before opening it up to the public. Let me first ask you kids a question: are you prepared for retirement? Are you investing your money wisely, or are you spending it on MMORPGs and Cracker Jack boxes? That's what I thought. With our president making rash decisions with our social security, we can't trust the government to support us once we retire from the workforce and move to a tropical climate to get eaten alive by swamp creatures. You need to take matters into your own hands.
No, that does not mean robbing a liquor store and burying the cash until the heat dies down. It means that you should invest your money in a mutual fund. Sure you might hear some whiney communists' grandmas complain that "it's too dangerous to invest your future into stocks and mutual funds", but if you want to be sitting on a gold toilet seat when you're 70 and being served by a top of the line robot man servant, it is well worth any risks involved. Many of the mutual funds out there are large, slow giants that are so conservative you will probably only make a few bucks a year on your investment. With my new mutual fund that I like to call the "Froli-Fund", I explore bold new areas for making money for you, the investor. Sure I lost thousands of dollars during the dot com bust and had to eat cabbage for a few years, but that's why I'm so qualified to take your money. If you give me one dollar, I can turn that into a windfall of fortune in just a few years. My portfolio is spread out in the DOW, NASDAQ, and some of my own money-making ideas that I just thought of last week while on a whippet binge in my garage. I know you probably want some insight on what my investment plans are before you mortgage your house and give me all your money, so here are just some of the things we here at Froli-Fund are doing, you big baby.
Copper is still in very high demand, and has been a steady earner for over a century. Used for our currency and wiring, I believe this is a solid investment choice, and have used it as the foundation of Froli-Fund's portfolio. The great thing about our mutual fund's involvement in copper is that unlike other funds, we cut out the overhead and go right to the source. No we don't mine it ourselves, we hire some top notch guys called Chang, Pang, Poo, and Pot to smuggle high quality wiring out of mainland China and sail it to Hong Kong, where it is transferred to a remote Pacific island, picked up by another group of guys who I just call "The Gumdrop Gang", and taken to the San Francisco Bay where it can be sold on the open market. The only cost to Froli-Fund are the shipping costs, employee wages, and any casualties incurred during the operations. This one is a winner, and if you stick with us you can join as at the top of the heap, staring down at all the saps trading in silicon and corn seed.
Froli-Fund notice: This operation has been suspended because we think we have a Chinese government mole in our overseas squad. We think it's Pang, but we need more time to be sure. This issue will be brought up at the Froli-Fund board meeting next Friday.One of our proud investors, Larry Smith. He was so elated at his fund statement that he jumped for joy.
World Trade Center Commemorative Coins
A few weeks ago I was out duck hunting and trying to think of a way to capitalize off thousands of innocent people's deaths by playing on people's patriotism and willingness to buy anything on TV that comes with a certificate of authentication. When I came up with the idea for the coins, I screamed "Eureka!" and scared all the ducks into the air making me panic and fire my shotgun into the bottom of the boat, sinking it and inadvertently causing me to befriend some magical seahorses who showed me their underwater kingdom and taught me to laugh at love again. As soon as I got back on dry land I phoned my advertising agent and had him place a commercial on the most watched television times by southerners and flag toting conservatives, mostly between daytime talk shows and Fox News. Sure I hadn't actually made the coins yet, but I added that each one has about 2% real silver found at Ground Zero by a dog who was the direct descendent of George Washington's hound. I feel this will cause a stir of sentiment in the public and will assure that this will be a hot seller for stocking stuffers and collectors of NASCAR plates. I'm thinking about also adding that 50% of the proceeds will go to help the survivors of the planes that crashed into the towers, to add to this feeling of stoic American pride. Sure there are no survivors to donate to, but I think that some people don't know that and they are our target audience. With your investment to Froli-Fund, we will double your stock worth once we get the gross profit back from this business venture, and once the Senate oversight committee finds us not guilty for fraudulently capitalizing on a national tragedy and we can go about our business in peace, like our nation's founder, Lafayette, intended.
Cactus Frankie's Project: Sexy Kingdom
As the leader of Froli-Fund, an up and coming renegade mutual fund that is taking the business world by storm, I am always on the lookout for an investment that will yield the largest profit for the least amount of work. Video games were the obvious choice because we all know programmers only start working on a game through patches after it's released to the public. Thanks to the help of Internet detective and talent scout Stive Gonzales, we found out what Cactus Frankie's project was, and quite honestly, we were blown away. To pass up a money-making opportunity like this would be folly, so we here at Froli-Fund got ahold of this saucy and mentally challenged fellow and offered him the deal of a lifetime. We will produce his video game dream of making a version of Night Trap, but it's a porn and you can look in mirrors like in Duke Nukem. With the money up front and the 3D0 code provided, we let this visionary loose to create his game and take the industry by storm. We will not be releasing it to any critics, and it will be sent straight to Wal-Mart bins displayed at prominent positions in the store. If things go well, which we are confident they will, we are looking at a very good return on our investment, and more value for your Froli-Fund stock!
So, please consider investing a percentage of your measly wages to Froli-Fund, where it will blossom like a beautiful butterfly, and be waiting for you once you hang up your dancing shoes and decide it's time for Matlock. Still not sold? Well take a look at this chart:This is Ron. He works for us on the ground floor selling and trading stocks. He has a problem with eating his trading tickets, but we're working on it.
I know what you are thinking, what kind of mutual fund invests in magic beans? And why did men show up at my house to take blood and steal my silverware after I signed up? Well you might have valid concerns since this is your future we are dealing with, but rest assured we here at Froli-Fund take pride in turning hours of research into a potential investment, and have watched stock crawlers once in a while. We are still trying to figure out what the codes mean, but we feel we are very close to cracking it. And when I say "we" I mean myself and the ghost of my recently deceased guinea pig, Monket. I don't consider myself gullible, so when a strange man approached me on the subway and asked if I wanted to buy some magic beans for a few thousand dollars, I naturally asked for a written receipt of the purchase, and made sure he included a 90 day warranty clause in case the beans did not work as planned or I changed my mind. I was told that if I planted these beans, a giant beanstalk would shoot up into the sky, as far as the human eye could see. If one would climb this beanstalk, you would encounter a kingdom in the clouds that is full of riches! The only drawback is that there is a giant guarding the loot, and he has a good sense of smell so we'll have to be careful. This is what separates Froli-Fund from mutual funds like Fidelity or Schwab; we have bold new ideas, and are not afraid to climb vines to reach the top.
Sometimes people compare investing in the stock market is like white collar gambling. Well at Froli-Fund, we are trying to distance ourselves from this notion, and want to relate more to our plebian investors by making it more a blue-collar sort of gambling. Every Friday night I head down to the pig races to "invest" on either "Daddy's Little Oinker", or "Sunday Surprise" on the big race of the night. If either one of my lucky pigs is out, I'll always go with the number three pig, which is my lucky number. With me I bring a few lucky troll dolls, a picture of the Virgin Mary, some rabbit feet, and sometimes a whole rabbit if I really need the money badly. When you invest in my mutual fund, I will use my skills to make your pot grow to horribly delightful proportions, enabling me to sit in the high rollers club at the pig race, netting me a free dinner roll and a lap dance. Some may find this approach to investing unorthodox and totally insane. Unorthodox, proudly yes, but insane, nay! I have made more money slapping a few bucks down on "Little Susie Has Scabies" than I ever did buying some tech company stock. Trust me, you are in good hand. I lost my other hand trying to get my keys out of my blender while I had the blender on.
Clearly this shows that my fund is not only the most exciting and profitable one out there, and you would be a total fool not to jump on this offer. Did I mention that my office is constructed totally out of rubble and twisted metal stolen from Ground Zero? I also have a piece of the Berlin Wall that serves as my sitting stool when I am signing legal papers and doing lines of coke. Act now! I need to pay my bills. I'm so cold and hungry.
The most advanced and up-to-date method of checking the temperature from cricket noises.
Pope Francis, the best Pope, has a number of upcoming encyclicals to change the way Catholics view the world.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.