Every crazy religion involves a pyramid for some reason or another. Until we make one of our own, we're using this one.I come before you, faithful, gravy-coated readers of Something Awful, to inform you of a fantastic change in my life. Normally I try to avoid talking about myself, except for the once a week that I write an update, but what has happened to me over the past few days has been an amazing transformation of body, mind, spirit, and the underpants that house me. I feel that by sharing my new way of thinking, I can evoke change in your life, perhaps sending you on your own mystical journey of knowledge and enlightenment. In the blackened heart of such turbulent times of war and global hootenanny, we must band together to find common and universal strength. Unless we move to bring about great changes now, the human race is doomed to fail endlessly, much like a child with downs syndrome playing a Nintendo game backed by an infinity lives Game Genie code.
A common man, such as Zack Parsons, might tell you that enlightenment is pleasuring yourself with the barrel of a Luger while watching selected scenes from "Triumph of the Will." Although Zack is fundamentally wrong, his take on things is still superior to begging for hits of acid on the street like unemployed loser Scott Dalbango or pandering to nerds with articles about antique games like Fragmaster. Still, it's far from true enlightenment, which is the best, most delicious form of enlightenment. How does one become enlightened? In short, one need only look at the world around them, see the horrors that take place daily, realize that there has got to be something more, then spend eternity in pursuit of finding out just what that something more really is. However, the long answer is much longer than the short answer, and ultimately wins the battle. You'll have to read on to learn just how to make a better person out of yourself. Sorry naïve pursuer of easy victories, the cruiserweight solution to everything isn't going to help you here. As stated, to see the need for change, you need to see the world and the evil that holds it hostage. The negative thought waves have enveloped the planet entire, flowing through our bodies by way of the global media monster machine. In the past few days I've observed these horrors afflicting humanity without ever leaving the comfort and safety of my fortified tree house:
War Coverage Coverage
The terrors of war are bad enough, as the impact on innocent civilians as well as soldiers cannot be denied. More disturbing than the actual war is the coverage of the coverage of the war. Every ten minutes we are reminded that seeing the coverage of the war is unprecedented, and expert military consultants are asked to express their amazement in the media's ability to report on the war and film far off locations with cameras and satellite uplinks. One thing is certain; the documentation of this war is going to be more documented than in any previous war. The fact that something so vastly brutal and traumatizing to the human condition has taken a backseat to the awe-inspiring grandeur of sending a team of reporters out to another country and giving them the unimaginable ability to transmit video data via satellites to other parts of the world with immaculate reception sure does reflect greatly on our accomplishments as a society. For me, the one thing I'd truly enjoy seeing more than anything is for a field reporter to ask an Iraqi P.O.W. or civilian how awesome it is that people thousands of miles away are watching the war with unprecedented perfect reception and almost zero delay, all from the comfort of their homes no less. In truth, the war, the war coverage, and the war coverage coverage only detracts from the real victim: me. I paid nearly $20 dollars to fill my goddamn Ford Tempo up last week. If not for the fact I'm now enlightened and money is now just a superficial object to me, I'd be pretty damn pissed about that. Just kidding, I'm still really pissed. I don't even own one of those powerful trucks that runs off of Iraqi baby blood, either.
Civil UnrestHELLO I'M SATAN Celine Dion in Las Vegas The most truly disturbing thing facing mankind is the upcoming CBS special featuring Celine Dion, Justin Timberlake, and dozens of French fags in tight clothing running around like, well, French fags in tight clothing. There is nothing worse in this entire universe than foul elf-hag hybrid Celine Dion, her rotten voice, and her stagnant appearance. Yet in spite of her role as the dark angel of death, a major network is giving her a primetime special where she can spew her cliché music filled with idiotic feel good mantras while dopes in skintight leotards dance gaily. If there was ever a time and place to hope that a Tomahawk Cruise Missile ventures dangerously off course and explodes, then this is it. In the immortal words of Fox New's anchorman/messiah Shepard Smith, "All we can do now is pray."
Partly because of the war, and partly because people naturally hate each other, civil unrest is becoming increasingly heated throughout the world. Ideologies and opinions are becoming more and more polarized, putting people at even greater odds with each other. It's only a matter of time until all hell breaks loose, and in a generally disorganized fashion. While I welcome anything that makes life more exciting, including plagues, famines, train derailments, soapbox derby related deaths, and total chaos, I tend to prefer it be organized. The last thing you want is for something tragic to outwear its welcome by cutting into your relaxation time.
With this advanced tool, we can explore your mind and help you overcome your demons.There are a limitless number of awful things happening today, aside from the obvious horrors of war. Crime, drugs, murder, rape, robbery, furries, and all the usual exercises in human stupidity still exist in great excess as well. The point of mentioning all this stuff is simple: I want to drive home the notion that we have to change fast. The best way of changing fast is by embracing a radical and profound new way of thinking, and I believe I've found that.
Welcome to the new world of Celestial-Mind Protoscience. What is CMP? CMP aims to eliminate Negative Thought-Emotion Syndrome, the problem of thinking and feeling in a negative manner and thusly contributing to society's overall decline. As society is pulled down, we pull ourselves down by creating a vicious circle of negativity that we feed off and regurgitate. It's a simple concept that even monkeys can grasp after years of electrical torture and conditioning. The boring details are all printed in my new book "The Fundamentals of Celestial-Mind Protoscience: The New Thought Wave Process of the 21st Century," available as soon as I get around to writing it. For now, the gist should be enough to get you started on your road to enlightenment.
The Road to Enlightenment: Building a Better You
In order to optimize your results, it is best that you create a "Call to Enlightenment Card." This card essentially states the fundamentals of Celestial-Mind Protoscience. When people confront you in a negative fashion and try to condemn your enlightened actions, all you need to do is smile and give them this card. Not only does it free you from any sort of debt to society, but also it invites them to follow you along the path of righteousness.
Cut in Line
Once liberated from the shackles of negative thinking, you are also liberated from the shackles of negative experiences. Waiting in line, whether at the post office, an amusement park, super market checkout, court of law, movie theater, or death camp, is never fun. It is a negative experience because you're being inconvenienced and forced to put your gratification on hold. If you're not happy, you take everybody down with you. Cut in line freely and with moral impunity, for in doing so you're helping to save the human race from certain demise.
Use More Profanity
As a certified purveyor of trash on the Internet, I can tell you using obscenities sure is fun and rewarding. It's just so much easier to curse like the proverbial inner city sailor than to speak in a traditionally sophisticated and cultured manner. Besides that, trying to speak intelligently is often straining, bringing everybody down as a result.
Playing on a level field is fun if you can win, but it's extremely frustrating when you simply can't achieve victory. Being a sore loser only makes you and everybody else feel bad. Instead, empower yourself by cheating. Cheating builds confidence by taking the fear and uncertainty out of things, making life less of a gamble and more stable. No one can blame you for wanting some security. As a follower of Celestial-Mind Protoscience, cheat to the best of your ability. In winning, you will escalate those around you by building a cult of winning personality. Those who take exception to your asymmetrical tactics only make themselves into sore losers. As long as you maintain a positive attitude about your cheating, nobody can touch you. If they do touch you, you can sue them for molestation.
Throw Rocks at People
There is perhaps no pursuit more pleasurable than throwing rocks at people. It improves your hand-eye coordination, strengthens muscles, and expels physical and mental negativity from your body. It also gives other people a good workout by forcing them to confront their negativity in a painful fashion. After all, it's not your fault that rocks are hitting them. All you're doing is maintaining a positive mental attitude and getting some exercise.
The most important part to being enlightened is disavowing money. I don't mean totally disavowing it, like putting your savings account up for auction on eBay. I mean disavowing those bills you don't want to pay. You don't really need car insurance unless you plan to crash into people, so why waist money paying for it all the time? You also sure don't need electricity when you can move in with somebody else and mooch off them.
I'm guessing you still have more questions about Celestial-Mind Protoscience, such as "why does it have such a sinister sounding name?" I couldn't very well go with a simple name like "The Josh Boruff System for Being a Total Asshole," because who is going to take that seriously? Don't get the wrong idea, because CMP is based off of sound concepts with strong historic and scientific backing. This isn't some hokey religion that promotes self-worship, nor the worship of a giant vulture that crapped humanity out inside of a walnut. This should give you a pretty good idea what our spiritual beliefs are:
We believe that there is sound in space, but only the sound of explosions because those are really fucking loud.
We believe that Deckard was not a replicant, although we never actually finished watching "Blade Runner."
We often regret not winning the classic NES game "Faxandu" because we spent an awful lot of time playing it for some reason.
We support the widespread return and proliferation of hammocks.
Why yes, we do believe Batman is the best hero.
We believe that humans mutated from bacteria brought up from the Earth's core by advanced invisible aliens in an attempt to build a salve race, and only by destroying the Earth's core can we free ourselves of this horrific plight.
We believe that dinosaur bones were planted on the Earth's surface by time traveling museum curators looking to attract wider audiences.
We think midgets eat too much butter.
I think that pretty much sums things up and gives you a better idea of what Celestial-Mind Protoscience stands for. By now you're eager and ready to go out and pursue a new way of thinking and living, and I won't delay you any further. Thanks for having an open mind and listening (although probably because you don't know any better)! I look forward to seeing the world improve thanks to your actions!
Dinner and a Movie with Benjamin "Greasnin" Platt
Ben "Goose Sling" Platt has returned from the dead, or something like death, to review another crappy movie for your general amusement and/or displeasure. Bennie Boy reviewed "Terror Toons," which looks just as awful as all the other movies he reviews. Jesus Christ, this guy sure can pick movies.
While Stalin was in power in the Soviet Union, he screened and approved every single film that was released throughout his empire. He was a busy guy, what with all the time he had to spend killing his own citizens and ignoring the basic tenets of Marxism, so in one year only five new movies were released. As you can imagine, it was a stifling time for any new artists and the Soviet cinematic scene became bland and repetitive. However, I'd vote for a system like that here in the United States in a heartbeat because just so crap like "Terror Toons" would never see the light of day. I'm not sure exactly how a project this awful ever got off the ground, but I assume someone gave Joe Castro a digital camera and a "1001 Wacky Cartoon Sound FX" CD for his birthday, so he immediately went out and contracted Rudy Balli to come up with the worst script he could muster. The technical aspects of this movie - bringing cartoon characters to life and blending animation and live action - were obviously way beyond the scope of Castro's meager budget, so one has to wonder why he even thought he could get this thing off the ground. The animations - I do have to give "Terror Toons" credit for actually having any - typically consist of two or three choppy frames and blend seamlessly with the live action in the sense that Chris Rock would blend seamlessly with a Klan meeting. Add a bunch of porn stars trying to get into legitimate acting, a couple of guys in moronic suits, and a few thousand spiral effects to the mix and you've got yourself a healthy dose of "Terror Toons!" How nice for you.
Terror Toons? More like Terrible Toons! Am I right? Oh go and read the damn review already!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
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