Greetings fellow gnomaholics. It's about that time when I give you, customer, your yearly gnome news from the deep patches of forest grove on the Sunnytyme Frolixo Ranch in northern Michigan. Not only do I feel that it is my humble duty to be the harbinger of gnome forecasts, whether good or ill, but it gives me great pleasure to do so since most of society is ignorant of gnome dealings and, in some circles, I could even be considered an outcast. My neighbors are lumpy, ugly brutes who toss empty Papst Blue Ribbon cans at my head while I am pondering my detailed gnome placements in the garden, as well as hurl crude insults at my person, such as "gnome fag", or "gnome fucker". This is very distracting when I am trying to decide the very important choice of gnome placement, and for the record, I have never fucked a gnome. I once French-kissed a gnome, but I'd had two Zima's and was totally buzzed at the time.
That's why I love you so dearly, my Internet flock. You are educated and enlightened, and as such can appreciate the spiritual healing that gnome lore can provide. In the past two years, I have provided a detailed expose on the new styles of gnomes coming out, but this year I am going to go back to my roots. This year is all about the age old arcane secrets of gnome placement. A top of the line gnome is worthless unless the master has the knowledge to place the gnome in a spot that is not only stylish, but harnesses the natural energy of the gnome, letting the Chi flow evenly around your house and protect you from ghosts and mummies. If you try to do this without my help, your life will be forfeit, and all your possessions will come under my ownership. There is no backing out now, you're in too deep.
Home on the Range
This is a classic gnome placement that has a Midwestern sensibility as well as a minimalistic charm that hits you right in the breadbasket. It is one of the most basic placements, but this shouldn’t lull you into a false sense of security or over confidence. It still takes a lot of skill and know-how to successfully pull off a gnome placement that not only protects its owner with magic but brings a lawn alive. Any fool can slap a gnome on a lawn and call it a placement, but it takes true talent and wisdom to do it correctly. The lawn is the blank canvas, yours to manipulate to your liking. With the “Home on the Range” placement, you can place the gnome out in the open on a lawn for all to see. This can be considered a greeting or a warning, depending on your sexual preference, skin color, or creed.
The Secret Garden
This placement is the opposite of the "Home on the Range", but can be just as powerful if done correctly. You know the saying "a hidden gnome is a happy gnome"? Well even if you haven't, this is a placement that will not only protect your garden from hungry weasels, but give it that avant garde style that will be the envy of the neighborhood. It was created in Asia, home of the sneaky ninja who were fond of throwing shurikens at enemies from their hiding places. After you complete a "secret garden" placement, make sure you announce your presence before walking into the garden or the gnome might throw a shuriken at you. I'm just kidding of course, gnomes are inanimate objects that do not come to life and throw razor sharp throwing stars into your face. Or do they???
Daddy's Little Dancer
Gnomes are commonly placed on grass or soil, close to the earth where it can help protect and foster growth of your plant life. This placement is more for human interaction and is meant for sidewalks, porches, or dark alleys. Owners who have money or credit problems and need help from the magical fairie folk will find this placement the most useful. If you place the gnome in high traffic areas, it is possible to reap windfalls of cash as the passers by feel inclined to drop a bit of copper in the gnome's tip hat. Just don't get too greedy and place dozens of gnomes around the sidewalks of your neighborhood. This will drive the community to poverty and in time they will become dangerous slums. I learned this the hard way with Detroit.
I personally do not care for this foul gnome placement, but it's my job to inform you of what's new and this one is really getting popular with the younger crowd of gnome enthusiasts. Xtreme gnoming is becoming a bona-fide sport, just like skateboarding and rollerblading has. To me this is bastardizing a fine art just to sell some Mountain Dew, but I can't stop the wheels of progress, no matter how damaging it may be. The Goulie is when you place a gnome in a toilet and flush it, making the gnome spin with the water current. Not only is this "gnarly", or "radical", but it is supposed to help with your bowel movements and colon health. Be prepared to call a plumber and try to explain how you got a gnome lodged in your pipes.
Saturday Night Special
The only way I can discribe this is the "quick and dirty" placement. This is for people who are in a rush and have no time to ponder the details that the other placements require. Many suburbanites who have full-time jobs, houses to take care of, driving their children to soccer practice, affairs, drug addictions, and pets have no time for such minute details of placing their gnome. When I drive through these nice neighborhoods, I see them tossed to and fro about the yards like hunks of garbage. This really infuriates me and I end up returning at night to set their houses on fire to teach them a lesson about love and life. Do yourself a favor and put some time into this process, unless you want to end up a charred corpse in my basement.
The cult classic movie starring a hunky Patrick Swayze is still making waves in American culture, even the gnome industry. On the 10th anniversy of the movie, housewives everywhere created the "Dirty Dancing" gnome placement that featured two gnomes demostrating their carnal dancing desires for all to see. This one is a treat for the senses, but it is a little "blue" so you might want to cover your children's eyes when driving by. Check your local obscenity ordinances before you do this one or you could land up in the pokey. The savages don't understand real art.
The Bill Fillmaff
This is another one I don't care for, but it is quickly becoming a fan favorite. Poker legend Bill Fillmaff is taking the Internet by storm with his new website and videos detailing how to become a poker ace without even trying. This combined with the huge resurgence of Texas Hold ‘em has crossed over into the gnome culture and now it is common to see gnomes playing cards with each other for huge sums of money. Unlike the "Daddy's Little Dancer", this placement will most likely lose you money as you pit your gnome vs. your neighbor's in heads-up battles for the big pot. Gnome poker is the next big thing and will be featured in Las Vegas very soon, mark my words. I sent this update to Bill but he only responded by saying, "I don't have time for these childish games and riddles. I am Bill Fillmaff, a poker legend. You are scum." What a card.
Well I hope you enjoyed this year’s gnome news. Alas 2005 might be the last year for this since the gnome reasearch center at the Sunnytyme Frolixo Ranch has recently exploded in mysterious circumstances. The ATF and FBI have been visiting the ranch over the past couple years inquiring about illegal explosives, and with the ludicrous claim that the ranch was a training facility for Michigan Militia members. This was nothing but a federal witch-hunt, and my fellow camo-wearing gnome enthusiasts are protected under the 1st Amendment to bear deadly assault rifles to their heart's content. Now that any potential evidence (that didn’t exist anyway) has been vaporized, I will be moving the Sunnytyme Frolixo Ranch to Montana where a man can plot in peace. God bless this mess. See you next week!
This week I will tell you guys all the inside gossip from the Something Awful HQ in the North Pole. Spokker Jones was eaten by a polar bear so his spot is being divided up by Fragmaster and the eskimos, and Lowtax is pregnant with a baby seal. Read all about it!
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.