This article is part of the Golan The Insatiable series.
As to my refusal to pay your taxes, I will deign to admit that I had previously not fully grasped the pedestrian nature of your dues system. I was attempting to pay tribute to Oak Grove when I ritualistically sexualized the Garcia clan's corpses on the steps of your puny city hall. Now I understand it is your "money" you want. And, yes, I also now understand how trying to give city hall the Garcia clan's possessions does not fit either. Do you not see that I am running for Comptroller to give something back to your worthless community?
Because one Budnick so deviously prevented me from gifting you cretins with my visions at the Wednesday debate, and has also clearly been taking down the fliers my acolyte Dylan had created at Kinko's, I shall give my visions here:
As I have learned from reading this very newspaper, the puny township of Oak Grove has budgetary problems. One Budnick claims she will introduce a more conservative spending plan and cut back on some redundant municipal programs. What would I do differently? Crown me Comptroller, and I will pillage the surrounding townships! I will sack Edendale, Elk River, and Poplar Bridge; raze their temples to the ground; and return with their treasures! Soon your city hall's troves will be bursting with livestock and riches! Let us see one Budnick attempt that!
I also have a message for my would-be nemesis (keep on dreaming) Yor the Mighty. Yor, how truly embarrassing of you to have thrown your lot in with one Mrs. Budnick's election camp. Your barbarian brain cannot have any concept of what a Comptroller is or does. You are so obviously campaigning for her - with your comical grasp of the Earthlings' crass language - just to spite me. Sad. But, of more consequence, I wish to talk to you about the Daalan wizard charm you slung about the entry to Oak Grove High's gymnasium to prevent me from storming the debate in wrath.
First that Throok Lance several weeks ago, now this charm. How are you acquiring these items? Seriously, do you have a portal back to Gkruool? Just tell me. This is getting old. I think many parties will be pleased if I can find a way to return, none more so than Golan the Insatiable.
You are free to stop reading now.
Golan the Insatiable
Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All
Do you enjoy Worm Miller's signature brand of bullshit? What if we told you there was an entire book full of it?! Impress your friends by being the first member of your social circle to buy ten copies of Worm's new masterpiece!
When not depicting Golan's likeness, as the lone artisan granted the honor of doing so, Ali Horn illustrates grim bathroom rituals, ghastly hell-birthings, weeping golgothaloids, and other gorgeously macabre scenes that make Golan violently homesick for the terrible pleasures of Gkruool!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.