This article is part of the Golan The Insatiable series.

Now that that's out of the path ...

To aid me in my quest to better grasp what you fickle creatures seek in a mate, my acolyte Dylan recommended an article written by a female from the magazine Maxim, titled "Five Simple Things Every Woman Wants In a Man." Let me make addressment of these directly, to demonstrate my eminence.

1) Respect/Appreciation.
It seems you are all hung-up with equality. Yet, did you know that your favorite choice of mate, pathetic human males, collectively refer to you as the "weaker sex?" I have read this phrase in innumerable sources during my research. Surely it flames your rage to have your physical fortitude so uniformly challenged. Well, I would never say as such to any of you. The chasm of power between you puny mortals and Golan the Insatiable is so vast that I truthfully cannot glean any difference between your respective average strengths. Both you and males seem equally feeble.

2) Passion.
You want your mate to be passionate about something. I have inquired if the male can simply be passionate about sexing you, but this seems not to be the issue. Well, I am very passionate about dominating your world and enslaving your species. Very passionate. I could literally talk your ear off on the subject. Okay, not literally, I suppose. Though I could rip your ear off with my fingers whilst talking.

3) Sense of Humor.
I find humor in much of daily life. The meager death tolls that accompany your so-called natural "disasters" always bring a chuckle to my robust face. Your people know so little of true suffering and destruction. Also, there is a particular one of my acolytes, Conner, whom I like to play jokes on, knocking him down and urinating upon him. I am laughing now just thinking about it!

4) Support.
I will crush those who oppose you! Within reason. I do grow weary of reporting to your stupid City Hall structure. I don't want to go off on a tangent, but you weaklings have a slow and inefficient way of resolving local conflicts.

5) Chivalry.
I well understand the amusement of forcing others to debase themselves so as to make your life more luxurious and hedonistic. Gifts. Offerings of food. Doors opened before you. A shaded litter borne on the backs of shrieking drudges. I know what it is to be worshiped. As a godlord, it would be sacrilegious for me to attempt to worship you, but should you mate with Golan the Insatiable or become my Doom Ward, I will happily force my acolytes to perform whatever demeaning services delight you.

As you can see, based on your stated desires I am an ideal mate. Also, I believe our species cannot reproduce, and your pitiful STDs are powerless against my immune system, so we would not need protection. And, not to keep bringing this up, but someday soon I will unleash my wrath on your fat world. Best to enter my harem while you can still do so of your own will! I shall be reveling with my followers at Nick's Bar & Grill this Saturday, if you wish to approach me. Or you may express your worship through my Facebook page.

Choose wisely, females!

Fear me,
Golan the Insatiable
Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All

My acolytes have informed me that obtaining a face book is a necessary step toward my swift domination of your miserable world. So be it. - Golan the Insatiable

When not depicting Golan's likeness, as the lone artisan granted the honor of doing so, Ali Horn illustrates grim bathroom rituals, ghastly hell-birthings, weeping golgothaloids, and other gorgeously macabre scenes that make Golan violently homesick for the terrible pleasures of Gkruool!

Do you enjoy Worm Miller's signature brand of bullshit? What if we told you there was an entire book full of it?! Check out the book that Publishers Weekly called "cavalier and distasteful" and "blatantly disrespectful!"

– Worm Miller

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Golan the Insatiable: Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All.

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Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.