This article is part of the Golan The Insatiable series.
My superior literary champion is called Jefferson Smithsonman. Searching for him will prove fruitless, as Jefferson Smithsonman has trained in the art of wordsmithery all his long life, never publishing, waiting poised for that one subject worthy of his talents, and upon completion of this opus Jefferson Smithsonman shall take his own life knowing that he can never top himself. He will give no interviews. But you are in luck, citizens of Oak Grove, for I will share with you now a section of this yet-untitled masterpiece that will doubtless change the face of your literary artform when it is done! Since Yor the Dumb's book of half-truths focuses much on the boring time I killed his parents, I will present the section of Jefferson Smithsonman's work detailing the accurate version of the event:
This most minute of episodes in the storied and gory record of Gkruool was of nearly indescribable triviality to the grand Golan the Insatiable. In this fact, the only reason He would remember it years later is because of the supreme power of Golan the Insatiable's mind, a forbidding cage for knowledge that claws at the very border of complete omnipotence! How pathetic, is it not then, that peasant-faced Yor remembers it so well! Not that this puny mortal, Yor, has any bearing on this being recounted now! He does not.
On that day, the fearsome Golan the Insatiable was touring the region of Black Fields, having returned from battling a most deadly snow serpent in the ice valley of V'loz. Gazing from atop his massive litter, which was born upon the backs of His spiritually broken slave-mages, Golan the Insatiable's powerful eyes spotted the ugly village of Kko. Golan the Insatiable then stopped in Kko to receive tribute to His eminence, as He deserved. The people of Kko were as unforgivably unattractive as their ugly village. So He demanded a man and woman who represented the most appealing of the sad offerings. Golan the Insatiable's sex priests pulled the couple onto the village's altar - which it should be noted was offensively second-rate - to be sexualized into pieces and then eaten raw.
It will tell you much of pathetic adolescent Yor's person that instead of taking this as the honor that it was, to his dirty village and to him personally as the offspring of Golan the Insatiable's ravaged tribute, Yor viewed the moment as some affront. Such narcissism! Yor later would claim to have vowed to destroy Golan the Insatiable as Golan the Insatiable lay naked and gorged on Kko's alter, to have given an impassioned speech on these aims that bolstered the emotions of his villagemates. This did not transpire! After tribute was paid, a smelly woman offered Golan the Insatiable her baby to eat, as it was a burden to her. Golan the Insatiable was doing her a favor by eating her child, so He had her foot removed as payment, then pulled her head off to stop her obnoxious screaming. He drowned a chained goat with His urine stream to entertain His priests. And then He left Kko to its irrelevancy. At no point was He ever made aware of stupid boy Yor's existence.
Now you can see how inaccurate Yor's account is! From H.H. Mayer Sloane's words you would think I accepted Yor as a foe on that very day. I give you the truth; Yor can keep his dreams!
I release your eyeballs back to the doldrums of your existences.
Golan the Insatiable
Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All
My acolytes have informed me that obtaining a face book is a necessary step toward my swift domination of your miserable world. So be it. - Golan the Insatiable
When not depicting Golan's likeness, as the lone artisan granted the honor of doing so, Ali Horn illustrates grim bathroom rituals, ghastly hell-birthings, weeping golgothaloids, and other gorgeously macabre scenes that make Golan violently homesick for the terrible pleasures of Gkruool!
Do you enjoy Worm Miller's signature brand of bullshit? What if we told you there were entire books full of it?! Check out the author that Publishers Weekly called "cavalier and distasteful" and "blatantly disrespectful!"
What movies other than Rat Race could be improved by the surprising entrance of Smash Mouth?
How do employees stay safe at Alien Goop Storage Facility, The House of Unstable Floors and Vases Containing Fireballs, and (INARTICULATE PANICKED SCREAM)?
day 2: still working on the car
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Golan the Insatiable: Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All.