There was nothing.
Through the power of his divine majesty God took the void and from it created the earth.
Woman was weak and her sin brought ruin to Eden. Mankind was cast out of paradise to live in a world without order or goodness. God might have seen that one coming, but sometimes even God just wants to see what happens next.
God turned out to be a pretty serious asshole. He assailed man with all manner of floods, plagues, and famine, allowing only his faithful to persevere. Mankind survived these tests, but their struggle to remain righteous continued.
Conflict raged across the world. Empires marshaled for battle, many carrying the Cross as a standard. Others fought in the name of false Gods and proved just as successful. Heretics were burned, wars lost and won, and the Holy Land became the most valuable of prizes.
Meanwhile, the Chinese invented rockets for both fun and violence. Try that with a sword.
Eventually America was a country, surprising the indigenous Americans so much that they all died from diseases and gambling.
America had to fight Britain to be free. The first American to die in this war was a black man named Crispus Attucks. Talk about irony. Then George Washington beat Britain with the help of France. Britain gave America its freedom but then they fought Britain again not much later and it was a tie. Then they fought Mexico. Then they started fighting each other.
A lot of people died in this so-called "Civil War", but also photography became popular and that's fun. Photographs were blurry and took half an hour to take so you had to hold really still. That's why every photograph taken during the Civil War is of dead bodies.
The good guys won the Civil War, although some bad guys still question this outcome. Industry became popular and factories were cropping up everywhere. Then another war happened. Everyone thought it was the biggest war ever, but in retrospect the biggest war ever happened not too long after this other war. The biggest war ever was caused by a guy named Hitler and also Japan. Hitler and Japan won a lot of battles and then they lost a lot and then the war was over.
America beat Japan using fireworks. Thanks, China.
It turned out Hitler did bad things to Jews and made Germany a laughingstock for decades to come, although some bad guys still question this outcome.
America was on top of the world. Then the Internet came and pornography was invented. This caused other countries without the Internet or pornography to hate America for its freedom.
These other countries did bad things with airplanes that made eagles cry everywhere. This baffled scientists because eagles do not have tear ducts. The chief culprit was Osama Bin Laden and his partner in crime was Saddam Hussein. America invaded some countries and is still fighting people.
What will the future hold for man? Will they soar higher than the tearful eagle? Too high, like Icarus? Will they touch the stars and spread their spore deep into the unthinkable cold of space? Or will they wither, like a raisin in the sun? That is not for me to say. I do not judge or prognosticate. I watch. I wait. I endure.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.