My friends, it seems as if guns have gotten a bad rap lately. Sure, these instruments of peace might have won the good old U.S. of A. several wars, both secret and natural, but it seems that whenever frangible bullets happen to explode inside the bodies of several schoolchildren, we as a nation forget that these tykes merely represent the broken eggs necessary to make this great omelet called America. Rest assured, your friends at the NRA are hard at work tracking down the video games and movies that keep causing these guns to discharge improperly. But for the moment, we need to focus our efforts on gun safety until this harmful media is formally banned by the government, thereby protecting our Second Amendment rights. Please keep the following in mind when using your gun at home, work, or at the funerals of friends or loved ones who passed when their curious child decided to "play cowboy" with daddy's new AR-15.

  • Most parents tend to keep their guns squirreled away, which can turn these life-saving tools into instruments of murder and expensive child coffins when Junior starts sniffing around your den for Christmas presents come November. Instead of transforming your collection into a tempting series of buried treasures, display them openly, and when the little ones get too curious, display the consequences of gun misuse by opening fire on a beloved pet or possession. The reader of any classified ads section can tell you that puppies are given away for free on a daily basis, but you can't put a price on important life lessons.
  • For those of you lucky enough to live in concealed carry states: make sure all passersby see that you're a responsible gun owner who leaves his or her safety on at all times, except in neighborhoods outlined in newsletter Volume 46, Number 11. Gassing up the car? "Accidentally" catch your gun on your thumb when saluting the fellow motorist using an adjacent pump. You'll know by the glint of admiration in this person's eyes that they're so excited about gun ownership they may even forget to pay or even remove the nozzle from their gas hole before speeding away!
  • Have a youngster interested in firearms? Give them a "starter gun" to carry around at school. If they happen to misuse it, stick to a strictly "no guns" policy until they can be tried as adults. Then you can easily shift the burden of responsibility onto the state.

  • A recent panic about specialized firearms has caused many bleeding hearts to question the purpose of these instruments outside of explicit murder. Show passersby the utilitarian uses of your automatic weapons and/or grenade launchers by using these helpful tools to chop firewood, clear brush, and aerate stuffy old garages or leaf piles. Bonus: any birds you happen to slaughter in the cross fire can legally be consumed during holiday feasts.
  • Spread awareness by giving friends and family members guns for their birthdays, or, in the case of Jehova's Witnesses, a "just because" gift. Be sure to include instructions like "point and fire purposes.
  • Spend at least 30 minutes of your day at likely "frenzy zones," such as playgrounds, movie theaters, post offices, and ball pits with a square footage of more than twelve. God knows we needs more stories in the paper about lone gunmen saving the day rather than retreating to the typical bell towers and loading docks for suicide-by-cop. Consider egging on nearby armed citizens who seem to be at their breaking point. Any mention of The Illuminati has been known to work wonders.
  • Have an elderly relative who could be the possible victim of violent crime? Find an easy-to-handle gun and place it in their withered, arthritic fingers. The authorities may never find out if the UPS guy was trying to steal from them, and we'll make damned sure they don't if anyone attempts to take away their firearm as "evidence."
  • Remember always to shift the blame. Football game get you trigger-happy? Remember that in court. "Manslaughter" may sound like an ugly word, but crimes of passion tend to receive less punishment than even non-violent drug offenders. Just remember to paint your face in the colors of your home team before delivering important testimony, because odds are you'll win over some sports fans in that jury box.
Yours in guns,
Wayne LaPierre

– By Wayne LaPierre

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.