After many years of threatening secession, the states began to topple in 2017 and much of the South fell into revolt. Anti-government fighters took up arms against the United States while a new government was formed in an Old Country Buffet in the Florida Panhandle. Federal policemen were fired upon and federal buildings were attacked with bombs and small arms. These attacks soon escalated into outright warfare.
It became known as the New American Revolution. After years of training and equipping and filling undeground bunkers with oats, the patriots donned their tri-corn caps and grabbed their highest-caliber rifle, which they were usually already holding, and joined the fight wherever possible. These scratch units would meet the forces of the United States in pitched battles.
The Battle of the Missouri Cracker Barrel (May 2nd, 2017)
Hoping to turn video game success into real action, a small force of stay-at-home-dad Patriots armed with dozens of pistols and rifles stormed the Cracker Barrel in Wayansburg, Missouri, seizing control of the moon pies and candy bins and commandeering the teddy bears in rocking chairs. Under penalty of death, the employees were forced to continue to serve breakfast. By noon that day a US Army helicopter had arrived. The rebels opened fire and were surprised, along with most of the employees, to be killed almost immediately by a Hellfire missile. Several hundred men from the Missouri National Guard secured the smoldering remains.
The Battle of the Strip Mall Off I-295 (May 5th, 2017)
An antique mall, a Chinese restaurant, a Subway restaurant, a closed comic book store, and a sporting goods store were briefly captured by men of the Jacksonville Freedom SEAL Team Guard. The Gadsden flag was run up the flagpole outside and inside the men smashed up Tiffany lamps and tried out crab Rangoon subs. Their demand was the complete resignation of all US government office-holders and the surrender of the United States to Florida's panhandle. Shortly before nine PM, a salvo of rockets from a US Army M270 MLRS vehicle located 45 kilometers away obliterated the strip mall with such force that the dental records of the men inside were somehow blown off the dentist's office computer.
The Second Battle of the Missouri Cracker Barrel (May 11th, 2017)
Men in full ghillie suits with headset mics and shotguns took up positions in the rubble of the Cracker Barrel destroyed days earlier and began to help each other administer their insulin injections. They managed to hold out for several seconds against concerted attack from a single light armored vehicle of the US Army.
The Battle at the Front Gate of Lackland Air Force Base (May 14th, 2017)
In the main rebel offensive of the war, a group of men in full camouflage with scopes and sniper rifles attacked the front gate of Lackland Air Force Base in Texas. They killed the guard on duty and attempted to advance through the gate when they were struck by a laser-guided bomb. The survivors of this group were struck with a second bomb. No one thinks any of them survived the second bomb, but a third and fourth bomb were dropped on them just to be sure.
The Battle of Bunker Doorway (May 15th, 2017)
The Oklahoma All-American Division, based out of the overgrown back lot of a church, had refused to surrender to the US Army for several days. They continued to occupy a bunker-like structure half buried underground. Believing there might be children present, the US Army commanding officer ordered the special forces to move in. Elite commandos stormed the doorway and fired into the bunker killing the three remaining members of the All-American Division. This was also how many members the All-American Division started with.
All told some 850,000 souls gave their life on the side of the patriots and Gary Thompson, a gate guard at Lackland Air Base, was killed bringing the total of US military deaths to one. Later, the government of the United States was completely voted out of office in something called an election.
|Zack is the author of the new short story collection Wages: Future Tales of a Hired Gun, a blood-soaked satire of private military contracting. He is also the author of the genre-hopping novel Liminal States, which is NOW AVAILABLE as an audiobook. You can find out more about Zack's latest projects and special offers on his Facebook page.|
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.