There has been a reported infestation of Campus Hammockers in your area. These roving students are able to rapidly congregate around even the tiniest sapling, and should be considered a threat to every tree truck until the end of summer. To prepare yourself, it's important to learn the basic traits.

Cocoon color codes!

Unless you're able to see a wannabe dreadlock or North Face semi-ironic trucker hat hanging over the side of the hammock, you'll only be able to identify the Campus Hammockers by the color of their bag. Failing to remember the subtle differences will set you up for an unavoidable discussion on Yeti Coolers.

Red: Generally Harmless.

Blue: Generally Harmless.

Green: Absolutely Harmless.

Recognize aggressive friendship behavior!

Most unexpected interaction with Campus Hammockers occur during their aggressive friendship rituals. Knowledge of these behaviors and the appropriate reactions can save you from getting pulled into an uninteresting hobby.

Behavior: With their hammock at the center, the student has constructed a web of taut tightropes that they are now attempting (and failing miserably) to cross.

Reaction: Give the tightrope area a healthy distance as Campus Hammockers think that laying down in a nylon bag gives them some sort of superhuman balance. Once you are outside of their area, look on with faux amusement as though you are witnessing something less hopeless.

Behavior: The Campus Hammockers have spent the last two hours talking about their make-believe plans to move to Denver. When the conversation turns to them praising Boulder, they pause the music blasting through their crappy MacBook speakers and look at you for your opinion.

Reaction: Nod your head and say, "I know, man. They got everything out there. It's like REI heaven" and then escape before you're forced to talk about the merits of legalized marijuana.

Behavior: The trees are so overburdened with hammocks that bottom branches are rubbing against the ground. More Campus Hammockers arrive, searching for space to hook their gear, but instead begin a mass exodus as they wobble away on their longboards.

Reaction: Step off any paved paths and then take an additional two steps. These idiots have no idea what they're doing.


Be prepared for chance encounters!

Though unlikely, it is possible to encounter a Campus Hammocker outside of their usual environment. Be careful if you find yourself in some of their more frequented non-hammock activities such as:

  • Picking over the Urban Outfitters discount section for shirts that match their hammock.
  • Failing their required gen-ed classes because the sun came out last month.
  • Talking about hammocks to strangers while they wait on their Jimmy Johns.
  • Tossing a frisbee in the quad while explaining the countless differences between sitting in a hammock and sitting in a chair.

How to remove a Campus Hammocker from your property!

If you own two trees, there's a high percentage chance that you will deal with an infestation at some point. While there are dozens of ways to dislodge an entrenched Campus Hammocker, the tried-and-true method remains unchanged: Set out a Herschel backpack, a medium iced coffee, and an iPhone charger. Once the student is interested, approach slowly while asking if they have any opinions on Bernie Sanders. At this point, lead the Campus Hammocker away while they recount the entire nomination process.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.