That's right all you women and feminine men out there, today's my 26th birthday! What's a better way to celebrate than by selling some brand new merchandise in the SA Store? We've got some brand spankin' new black bumper stickers and cutout stickers just sitting here, waiting for you to buy and give them a good home. A home where you beat them every night in an alcoholic rage, then they go to work the next day wearing dark sunglasses and if anybody asks them what happened, they say, "oh, I fell down some stairs." Next thing you know the role of you is being played by Fred Savage on The Lifetime Network's "Beaten Up Bitch of the Week" movie. So I don't remember what the hell I was originally trying to say but I'm fairly sure it had something to do with buying a few thousand of the brand new stickers we've got in and we're selling for around $1.00. That's one buck, folks. One dollah. The price of a large Coke or one one-millionth of a million-dollar car. Surely you can part with a dollar for your favorite website, can't you? And if you can give it to your favorite website, what's to say that you won't give it to this website as well? Buy a few stickers and help us all celebrate the spirit of "happy birthday" in our hearts, as well as the server monetary fund.
ULTIMATE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL HAPPY PRESENT PLAN: If you purchase over $20 in merchandise, you'll get a free Cutout Sticker! Wow! We must be crazy to offer such fantastic savings! Or stupid! My vote is with "stupid" because earlier today I spent 40 minutes trying to figure out how my lamp from Wal-Mart works.
PS: If any of you guys are wondering how I'm spending my birthday, I plan on emulating this guy:
What a party!!! Rock on! Support capitalism! USA! Go team! We're number one! Mexico is number 29! Down with Mexico! Up with people! Hooray!
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.