Come in and get a deal.How often have you found yourself contemplating the meaning of life but haven't had the big bucks for holy books? Have you ever wondered why we’re here but don’t want to deal with the expensive dogma? Do you like hotdogs? If any of these are true, we have exactly what you are looking for.
Here are Harry Twopenny’s discount religion we offer the kinds of salvation you can get at any leading religious business, but at a bargain price. If you’re like me, you’ve spent a lot of your time in churches singing praise and hallelujahs but realize you don’t have enough spare change to please those wonderful golden bowls. And when it comes to sacrificing the virgins, you appreciate the message but your heart (and wallet) just isn’t into it. Here at Harry Twopenny’s, all you get is the meat and potatoes. Our sermons are cut down to a convenient five to ten minutes, or you gets yourself a free gift. Each Sunday we have a raffle, along with your choice of sacred wines in a box. This week’s special is on raspberry banana.
Kids not into religion, but you're getting old and feel like you have to? Let them stay in the Kid Koral, practice making macaroni bowls, and learn life skills like spotting Jesus in stains and making noodle necklaces.
Be sure to pick up a photocopied bible or holy book of your choice just inside the convention center. The important parts are highlighted, and the chapter we're going to be reading will be marked with a coupon for Frank's Grill and Amateur Sushi Bar. You aren't even required to read the book, just hold it in your lap and mouth the hymns along with everyone else for a dollar less. Every sermon ends with a few points to bring up in casual conversation with your friends so they assume you go to a more expensive church. We even give you a few "I went to church" pins you can wear on your coat, jacket, or wedding dress to show people you are involved in the religious community.
Speaking of wedding dresses, do you plan on getting married but want to save your money for the honeymoon? Will the honeymoon be in the local jail? Then stop by Wednesday Weddings-a-Go-Go where all you have to do is sign a couple forms and attend for a few minutes, and we take out all the hassle. For a little extra cash, we pull some people from the bus station and the blood bank right next door. We'll dress them up real nice and make them applaud as you slap your bride on the rear.
Have you attended already? Well, remember to bring your coupon books because this Tuesday is double punch day. Every person who praises their respective, low-cost deity gets two holes punched instead of just a single one. Remember to redeem them for a statue of Jesus or digital wristwatch.
Here are the specials we are offering this week:
Do you happen to be a fan of Zen Buddhism? Then why not try Hoji's Eight-Minute Path to Enlightenment:
Harry TwoPenny in his office.
This Thursday, Hoji takes the time to show you how you can eliminate vices, such as booze, women, and Cracker Jacks from your life. Hoji read lots of books about Zen Buddhism and although he may not have reached enlightenment, he is pretty dang close. (He should get there in a couple of weeks.)
Everyone knows that worldly goods distract us from true happiness. If we spend our time pursuing illusions, we ourselves end up living illusionary lives. Those who do not follow a path to inner enlightenment will forever continue along a path that never leads to Nirvana. The third person through the door will receive a free ice scrapper for their car, and the individual who meditates the longest will win a toaster oven.
Are you Catholic? Then stop by Uncle Petey's Penance for a Low Price:
Spend a few minutes with Petey and you'll find yourself saying just what he always says: "That Jesus fellow was alright". Going to Uncle Petey's is a good way of upholding the holy sacraments without having to lose all your spending money. Ordained in the living room of a Bishop, Petey has full knowledge of the Scriptures and is well-known for his twenty minute sum-up. Deemed "The Fastest Converter in the West", his rendition of the teachings of Jesus is like getting a couple punches to the face by George Foreman. Speaking of, the persons who confesses the most sins this month gets a chance to get a used George Foreman grill. Don't worry, we'll wash it.
Also this week Petey is selling a wide variety of sacred candles, images, and tea kettles for a bargain price. Have you ever wanted to know what it's like to enter the house of God? Petey is selling exclusive "Jesus is a swell guy" doormats for half price, this week only.
It's a saintly value! (Cigarettes not included)
If you're Jewish, you'll love Abraham's popular session, "Don't fret, have some Hummus."
God may have a lot of names, but learning them only has a single price according to Abraham. Although he mostly works part time as a garbageman, he takes time from his job to teach us all about the rich Hebrew tradition. Learn how to make your meals kosher, but it's really no big deal. Come by if you got the time, if not, just relax and enjoy your Sabbath. Have no money? Abraham doesn't mind. Have no car? Abraham will give you a lift in his van. Have no pants? Abraham doesn't care about that either.
If you're like me, you are tired of people making fun of you for your little hats and the way you speak. Well, if you are, don't expect any of that with Abraham. That sort of stuff isn't even required by him. All that is required is your desire to get a good prayer or two out to God without causing any money fuss. Get a free copy of the Tanakh if you can properly spell three Jewish treats.
And if you're an Atheist, you can stop by our famous Soup and Snack Bar.
So remember, if you want a miracle in your life but don't want a vanishing act in your pocket, stop by Harry TwoPenny's discount religion today!
In this Daily Dirt, I'm throwing down the gauntlet(2)! Clickie here.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.