Welcome to the grand opening of my new Internet business: Healthy Living Online, where a healthy life is just a click away. This is just one of the many Internet business ventures I have launched over the years, such as Tigers for Tots, Milk-On-The-Go, and the short-lived Scab Button Maker 2000. These prior businesses were epic failures, causing many of my investors to sue me. Since then I've been operating in the upper reaches of the earth's atmosphere, in an orange zeppelin where the court summons papers cannot possibly reach me.
But this time it's different. This is an idea that is sound, because it offers something that is always in demand these days: healthy lifestyles.
Please browse the selections at your leisure, and don't be afraid. This may be a little different for some of you kids who have robot vacuum cleaners for parents and live on Mountain Dew and chicken nuggets, but these are the same type of organic substances humans have been consuming since the Stone Age. The problem is, we stopped eating healthy once our brains developed enough to learn how to deep fry, leading our civilization into a dark age of obesity and the impure consumption of calories.
You want to be big and strong so you can beat up all those bullies right? If you buy enough of these goods, justice will be had. Your enemies will suffer a brutal death at your hands if you follow this path. The path of Healthy Living Online.
Vitamin Y ($20 per bottle)
Last year, a group of Dwarves in Norway were burrowing into the earth looking for the precious metal Mithril, when they stumbled upon a new vitamin that would bring the world of health to its knees. This vitamin was dubbed Y, because the King of Dwarves' favorite color is yellow. It has properties that can boost resistance to bacteria, improve the sense of taste, and even make your colon more colorful and vibrant. We recommend this vitamin be taken in doses of 1,000 milligrams per hour, although taking 4,000 mg couldn't hurt. More is better right?
Owl Marrow ($18 per bottle)
Taking these pills sure is a hoot. Sales of shark cartilage plummeted after it was reveled to be nothing but a sham with no real benefits; fortunately, the same scientists have gone back and found that owl marrow is really the secret to health that they were looking for. They just got confused, since they were watching a special about owls on Animal Planet and then some goofball changed the channel to a Discovery special on sharks when they weren’t looking. They say that owl marrow will increase your eyesight and if you buy enough of it, and that it increases your chances of learning how to fly by 36%.
Update: Now the scientists said they confused owls with Jake Plummer, quarterback for the Denver Broncos. They say that Jake Plummer femur bones will increase your life span by 10 years if you crush them to a fine powder and inhale lines of it through your nasal passage. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be enough of the Jake Plummer resources to last more than 2 years, and he has been placed on the protected species list.
Amazing Dinosaur Sponge Pills! ($2.99 for 3 pills)
These pills are fantastic fun and great for the digestive tract. Just pop them in your mouth and wait a few minutes for the pill to dissolve. Soon the dinosaur will be free of it's plastic prison, where it will grow into a mighty primeval lizard who cares not for the troubles of man. It will then travel through your small and large intestines, clearing out any change or Micro Machines that have found their way in there over the years.
To clear the dinosaur sponge, just take another dinosaur capsule. If it is of a more aggressive species, it will win the battle of the colon and clear the blockage. If it fails, visit the emergency room.
Yeast Balls ($12 a pack)
Want to satisfy that hunger, but don’t want all those empty calories? I have the perfect solution for you. Yeast balls are tasty* snacks made from 100% barley yeast and contain no artificial preservatives, sugar, or fat. They have a rustic taste that will remind you of the 1816 famine, if you happened to be alive during that time. Comes with a free toothpick!
*Not “tasty” in the English dictionary sense.
Otter Wax ($42 per tin)
Harvested from only the finest baby otters straight from the Tigris River, this wax is said to be a delicacy in parts of Turkey and Bulgaria, and used instead of sugar for sweetening cakes and snacks. Instead of eating those greasy fried chips, try spreading some of this Otter Wax on a Triscuit -- and munch away with no guilt! It’s a flavor reminiscent of human ear wax, but much sweeter.
Wheat Germ T-Bone Steaks ($7 per pound)
This one is for all you vegans out there that loved to eat dead animals before you converted to the side of light and reason. It looks just like a real, delicious t-bone steak, but it is made entirely out of wheat germ. For the bone, we used compacted recycled paper consisting entirely of Dean Koontz novels. The bone is not readable but you are free to try.
Bulk Builder 5000 ($100 per case)
Our online section for weight gain and muscle building is growing in popularity with the rise of stress-related body building in America. This happens when the stresses of daily living, such as road construction, job troubles, and marital problems, cause individuals to use body building as a release. The Bulk Builder 5000 is an integral part of this lifestyle, providing 6,000 concentrated carbs so you can work it to the max in the gym all day long. Just note that if you stop working out for whatever reason, you may find yourself suffering a heart attack when the compound proteins form walls in all your major arteries. Further side effects may include hives of foreign life forms gestating in your bulging muscles. Pump it up!
Yukon Energy Paste ($5 a pack)
This fuel injected energy paste is just the thing to get you motivated and ready to go. It is made from the concentrated stem cells of unborn fetuses, harnessing the power of life to revitalize you into a state of extreme consciousness. The human rights and right-to-life activists are trying to stop the production of the Yukon Energy Paste, but so far the company has swayed the masses with their powers of persuasion. Some say that if you consume this paste for long enough, you can gain powers such as quick reflexes, super strength, sharp teeth, and the urge to wear capes. It also has the side effect of breast enlargement, leading to some very strange results. Try it out!
Roman Ear Candles ($10 per candle)
These are candles that you place in your ear and light. This harnesses the natural ability of smoke to draw the hidden troves of wax from your ear canal and into the paper holder, producing something like a soft-serve ice cream cone (but much more bitter). But unlike the normal, boring ear candles that burn in your ear for hours while you lay on your side, the Roman Ear Candle also shoots beautiful, sparkling fire into the air, making it a magical event for all involved. It may cause fires if used indoors, so this is best done at an empty field or baseball diamond.
Garlic & Berry Enemas ($16 per kit)
They say that the colon is the true heart of the body. If you have a clean and healthy colon, everything else will follow. They also say that if you don’t clean out your bowels at least once a week, you may be harvesting dangerous bacteria that are called “poops”. This enema kit harnesses the natural healing properties of garlic, along with the sweet scent of berries to make your bottom smell like a fresh garlic berry garden. This is a good thing if you want to avoid the Yukon Energy Paste vampires.
Bark Pants ($40 a pair)
Did you know that denim pants are the leading cause of heart disease and sudden infant death syndrome? Did you also know that I am armed with a bomb and swear to God that I will take you all with me until my demands are met? Bark is hewn from only the finest firs of northern Canada, and handcrafted into fine looking, fully functional pants. The won’t bend at the knees, but they are study and look great. Most of all, they are nature friendly, for they won’t cause any cancer or metor showers. I want $500,000 in unmarked bills dropped off at Hazel Park at noon. No funny stuff.
Thank you for shopping at Healthy Living Online. I hope your shopping experience was a pleasant one and I hope to see you again real soon. Good day.
(UPDATE: The store will be closing after today. I guess they found a bird that was able to deliver a court summons to my zeppelin and I need to return to earth to face charges of malicious fraud and poaching Jake Plummer. Sorry.)
Today we are going to make macaroni noodle artwork and freebase some crack cocaine. Yay for crack!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.