Heaven is for Real is a bestselling non-fiction book about Colton Burpo, a young boy whose brush with heavy anesthetization took him on an all-expenses-paid tour of the afterlife. But unbeknownst to his millions of readers, a portion of Colton's very descriptive account was left on the cutting-room floor after being deemed too intense for younger readers. After months of searching, Something Awful is proud to present the missing piece of this tragically-named boy's tale.
Colton was not always so forthcoming about his spiritual journey. One subject in particular he refused to speak about. On a drive home from Saturday night services--sometimes we get a little antsy waiting for Sunday morning--Colton was looking particularly pensive.
"I was just thinking, mommy." He clutched his Bibleman figure so tightly, I thought that tiny version of TV's Willie Aames was going to start screaming!
"About what, honey?" I snuck a peek at him in my rear view mirror. Rosy-cheeked, tow-headed... Wow, could I be a luckier mom?
"About the bad people pit," Colton sniffled adorably. I opened my mouth to comfort him, but was soon drowned out by the sound of "music" from a passing car. Clicks, whistles, and that horrible bass--can someone tell me whatever happened to The Oak Ridge Boys?
The calamity sent little Colton into an uproar, and soon his beautiful eyes were filled with tears. "What's wrong, baby," I asked. He snuffled his button nose. "The man in the car... He's going to the bad people pit." Bad people pit? What could my precious baby mean? I gathered my thoughts at the next stop sign.
Of course! Hell. Little Colton must have seen Hell first-hand! I prompted him for more information.
"Why would that man go to the bad people pit, honey?" Colin twisted Bibleman's head as he stared out the window. "Because he listens to the evil music that woke up grandma. Jesus showed me what happens to people like that after he let me watch all of the PG rated movies you won't let me see."
I snickered, remembering all the times I told Colton he could watch Home Alone as soon as he was old enough to vote for our next Christian President. But back to the matter at hand: "What happens in the bad people pit, sweetie?" Colin shivered, but soldiered on. "The mean music people... God makes their gold chains extra heavy so they stick to the floor. And then a big dog devil poops on them all the time."
This revelation sent shock waves through my body. Obviously Our Lord was conveying this unending torment in the scatological language familiar to four year-olds. But I still had to test to make sure Colton wasn't fibbing.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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