Good morning! Principal Johnson has asked us here today to have a conversation with you kids about direction. I see a lot of faces out there who are confused. Who don't know where they're going in life. Who think maybe they should smoke cigarettes or do drugs or drink beers just to look cool and fit in. Let me just tell you, I was like you once. I was unsure of the way in which I should live my life. I just went ahead and I did my own thing…and it nearly killed me.
When I was twelve I didn't know what to do. My parents both worked so I would come home to an empty house and I relied on my friends for companionship. We would get up to all manner of antics. We would throw rocks at the windows of our neighbor, Yitzhak Liebermann. We would break into the delicatessen down the street and steal bottles of schnapps from underneath the counter when the old Yids weren't looking. We'd drink and drink and drink until we were rowdy and ready to fight. We'd wait outside the synagogue and threaten to beat up passing women unless they gave us their money.
It was a terrible time for me and I was headed for a life of crime and self-destructive behavior. I was going to be sleeping in the gutter and eating rats for breakfast if I didn't pull myself out of that downward spiral. Do you think I'm still stuck in a rut? Do you think I just sat there and felt sorry for myself? Don't answer! Watch this demonstration of trick shots and slam dunks and think about that question.
[Trick shot interlude complete with trampoline and motivation team member dressed as a pig]
Whew! Now that was amazing shooting! Let's hear it for the Beweggrundmannschaft all-stars! Do you think they lack direction or motivation? Do you think they resort to alcohol, drugs or pre-marital sex? Of course not.
When I was fourteen I was arrested by one of the Ordnungspolizei in Hamburg for trying to jimmy the lock on a mail box to steal people's letters. That policeman gave me a choice: go to jail or go to work and whether you realize it or not that's the choice all of you are facing right now. Get your life straightened out, break away from the drugs and pollution of your body, the spiritual corruption of decadence or you will be headed to jail. Or worse, you will wallow in your proud white race's downfall while the Zionists slowly enclose the world in their red hand.
Your principal invited me here today to motivate you. To give you direction and confidence. That is why I would like to talk to you about the life-changing powers of National Socialism. I see a lot of people out there who look a bit confused. First let me say that National Socialism is not communism. It is a belief in the strength of the state and in the strength of yourself as an important part of that state. You must have pride in your nation, the great United States of America, and you must be proud of yourself. You are the greatest race that God has ever placed on this earth and it is your birthright to inherit the lands.
National Socialism is strength! If it were weakness do you think that my friends here would be able to do this?
[Feats of strength interlude complete with marching strongmen who bend metal bars and a pig on a trampoline]
Wow! Let's hear it for the whole Beweggrundmannschaft. Do they seem weak to you? Do they seem like they are ready to be conquered by the Jewish tribes? The gypsies? What about the homosexuals ore the lowly negroes? No, I sure don't think so! Swiney is going to pass out a very important book to you. I would like you to open that book to page 88 and I would like you to read along with me. This is an oath to our glorious leader, but it is also an oath to yourself. It is a promise that you will be improving yourself for yourself and also for your race.
Come on folks, everyone who recites the oath gets a flashlight keychain.
"I swear: I shall be loyal and obedient to Michael Whitley, the Führer of the American Reich and people, respect the laws, and fulfill my official duties conscientiously, so help me God."
Tucked into the back of that book is an 8 by 10 picture of the Führer. I think you should get that framed and put it up in your room. Whenever you are unsure of what to do or you're having a moral crisis you can look at that picture and ask "what would Michael Whitley do?" He would do what is right for America and the white race! And that means no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes or pre-marital sex. He is also against abortion, but if you stay away from sex before marriage you shouldn't have to worry about that.
After this you can all talk to the members of the Beweggrundmannschaft outside the auditorium and if you're interested you can get a promise bracelet. We also have an exciting youth program for you kids with camping and lots of outdoor activities. Also I am told you have a varsity women's basketball game tonight so go Lady Buccaneers! We'll all be sure to attend the game as athletics build a stronger white race.
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.