The Japanese have the strangest culture on the planet. I do not say this lightly, I have a fairly decent knowledge of the little island nation and I have been exposed to a number of their more shocking and disturbing exports. I will not generalize and assume that all Japanese people are obsessed with spurting tentacle rape, schoolgirls, and shit spraying extravaganzas of debauchery, but those that are paint a grim picture of collective Japanese sanity. One of the more amusing and slightly less disturbing exports from Japan is the so-called "dating simulator". These are "games" in which you take on the role of a (almost always) male protagonist with the goal of finding the girl of your dreams. What finding this girl usually entails is fucking your way through a forest of shallow female parodies to woo the heart of another shallow female parody, all of which is accomplished by either selecting the correct conversation option or just looking at everything in the room until some girl flies out of a closet and starts demanding sex.

This weekend I downloaded three of these games, one of which I will review here for you despite my lack of enthusiasm for clicking through huge lists of poorly-translated text to see anime girls with blurry body-parts getting violated.

Immoral Study 2

"There have been several times when I did some pretty heavy shit, but somehow I always got away with it. This tutoring business just wouldn't be exciting without the risk involved."

So says your character during the opening introduction to "Immoral Study 2", in which you are a tutor hired by a rich family to educate their bratty huge-breasted daughter who happens to be in love with a mute moron that works for her dad. Much like its predecessor you begin the game stopped by someone at the door to the factory/mansion/whatever who refuses to let you in and has a guard dog in a cage for no fucking reason. You have to choose your options carefully or you will be forcibly ejected by "this gorilla-looking bastard" who "[may have] something kinky in mind". This means you look at him over and over again and then yell at him several times and he inexplicably lets you past, much as he inexplicably stopped you in the first place.

Once inside you encounter the previously mentioned mute moron, at which point your character comments "He's not exactly my taste. But if I was into that sort of stuff, I definitely wouldn't pass him up." We know from the start the purple-haired tutor has some issues. The kid somehow prevents you from getting to the part with the big-breasted daughter as well, although it never explains why you have to talk to him at all. After what seemed like 500 hours of just randomly clicking options I finally gained the ability to show him my "class A tutor's certificate", which got him talking and got me access to the big-breasted daughter.

OR SO I THOUGHT! The game threw me another insane curve-ball seconds later when the daughter appeared completely naked at the top of a flight of steps. After ogling her she suddenly launched down the steps at me and much to my embarrassment and the amusement of the daughter it turns out it was just a mannequin and that I was in fact a "sick pervert". Well, okay, the tutor is a sick pervert, but I wasn't the one who put a naked doppelganger at the top of my steps thank you very much.

"The mechanical cockroach crawled into her panties causing the deepest fear woman has ever known. She screams out in terror."After some gloating on her part, I managed to sweet talk my way into her room by putting a robotic cockroach into her jean-shorts. I wish I were joking. Once inside you chit-chat about building engines and look at her repeatedly - a key feature in the game, you have to look at everything over and over again until all the responses are exhausted - and then you spot a picture of the mute moron from the factory. Looks like big-breasted sassy daughter with a side of panty-roach has a secret crush that would displease her father, and naturally being an ethical teacher you use this information to your advantage.

You taunt her for a while with this information and she comes out swinging, which allows you to cop a feel and throw her on the ground, at which point you declare "Ha ha ha ha ha ha…! It's party time!" After some mild (by the standards of this game) molestation, you resume discussing the mute moron and tell her that the only way she'll ever get to be with him is if she gets good grades. Using insane Japanese game-logic, the only way she'll get good grades is if she lets you rub her "special areas" (strongly or softly, you choose, but you have to do both repeatedly), kiss her in one of the most disgusting animations I have seen this side of the Pacific, and then jam car parts into her vagina.

The text at this point leads me to believe they are kissing, but the graphics lead me to believe they are re-enacting the pasta scene from "Lady and the Tramp" with a squirming glazed donut.After way too long spent jamming various pistons into her, you break out the rotary drill and jam that into her too, because after all you're a caring nurturer just looking out for the girl. She apparently really enjoys the drill, as demonstrated by this passage which makes Shakespeare look like a hack.

"She moves like a demon being exorcised from a nun at the excitement for the electric motor. Her juices are flowing like the pipes of a chemical plant."

Now if that purple prose doesn't get you going, I don't know what would, aside from maybe a piston in your ass and a drill in your vagina. Unfortunately the "gorilla-looking guy" from the beginning bursts into the room for some nasty drillus interruptus and you have to act quickly, throwing a shirt over the girl's back. The guy busts into the room demanding to know what is going on and the girl claims she was studying a hard physics problem and moaning. Thinking fast, you turn the drill on (it's still lodged in her vagina) and tell him that she was studying using this new teaching device where she moans in time with machine. Sounds logical to me!! What adds a lot of believability to this whole scenario is that he's talking over her shoulder yelling at you, while she's moaning and throwing her head around, and you're ramming a rotary drill into her vagina.

Wonderful.

To sum up this section and the drill attack that follows, I will again direct your attention to a quote from the word smiths at ScooP (the game's maker).

"It's drilling…inside of me!!! Ohh…! It's digging…into my…juices!"

The most realistic and plausible scene in a game overflowing with realism and plausibility.After you've tormented her enough with the horrors of the drill you insert your "thing" as they coyly refer to it, into her mouth. After thrashing away on her for a while you end up in a less automotive related embrace, but of course straight forward coitus can be interrupted too, as you soon discover when Mutey McMoron walks in and watches you rail the hell out of the woman of his dreams. After an IN NO WAY TOO LONG and EXTREMELY REALISTIC period in which you try to decide what to do, you end up convincing her to let him join in on the HIGHLY PLAUSIBLE shenanigans. Finally, a joyous fountain of mirth and sensibility is unleashed on big-breasted daughter from the professor and the mute moron and I guess the "gorilla-like guy" who reappeared for the money shot.

"Ohh!! So…much…! Gosh! I love it…all over my face…I felt you deep…inside me…I loved it…I loved it!!"

This game!!! It…sucks…! Golly! It's really…fucking nuts…I never want to see…it again…I hated it…I hated it!!"

"Immoral Study 2" gains bonus points for its lack of coherency, willingness to bend reality and logic, and absolute lack of urination or defecation in any of the sex scenes. I can appreciate it when the Japanese designers restrain themselves from including any of the following "favorites" in their games:

  • Peeing in kitty litter
  • Peeing in general
  • Crapping
  • Bleeding
  • Women with either penises or a clitoris that is indistinguishable from a penis
  • Women getting raped by tentacles
  • Women getting raped by robots
  • Women getting raped by a robot that for some reason has tentacles thus causing them to pee, crap, and bleed all into kitty litter.
"Immoral Study 2" loses points for including "bizarre forced sex with probably underage cartoon characters" as well as "sticking car parts into a woman without her prior consent", which I know is a crime in at least Utah. The game itself is EXTREMELY boring and almost completely without challenge. The only points at which you can really fail the game is when you're talking to the guy at the beginning and when he then later bursts into the room and you have to "think fast" to cover up your drill fetish. Other than the Japanese and possibly Space Nerd Wil Wheaton, I don't know who the fuck would enjoy a game like this.

It was either this or "Medal of Honor: Allied Assault", and frankly, as bad as this was it had a lot fewer bugs than Medal of Honor and the non-existent multiplayer was much more pleasant than getting shot 500 times by a rocket launcher and called "fag". An evening well spent!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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