The Hewlitzer Prize was created by the Hendrick Hewlitzer Foundation for Excellence in Superfluous Literature. The award is intended to promote greatness in unnecessary writing as part of the legacy of Hendrick Hewlitzer, known for his work as a Capressieure. Working at the Mengsberg Bottling Factory, Hendrick was responsible for choosing the font and exact text that would be stamped on the cap for each bottle of Mengsberg Sparkling Potato Syrup. Hewlitzer famously chose the words, "THIS IS A BOTTLE CAP" which would later be shortened to "THIS IS A CAP" and finally "CAP HERE".
Recipients of the Hewlitzer Prize receive a Hewlitzer Prize medallion in a velvet-lined case with the words "CASE LID" inscribed on the case's lid.
Award for Excellence in Superfluous Magazine Cover Copy
TITS OUT!, Lad's Magazine (UK)
April 2007 Issue, Rechbechaa Csurelee "Baked Beans on Tits Cover"
Porty D'Ator is hereby awarded the 2008 Hewlitzer Prize for Excellence in Superfluous Magazine Cover Copy for "TITS, INNIT?" appearing in neon green text three centimeters above and to the right of a woman's exposed breast. The font used was Impact and the text included a solid drop shadow. The woman's nipples were obscured by a laughing cartoon breast.
Award for Excellence in Superfluous Construction Labeling
|Don "Donald" Haaaarber|
The Longsmont Center for Sports Injury, Municipal Building (USA)
Bricks, White Paint
Don Haaaarber is hereby awarded the 2008 Hewlitzer Prize for Excellence in Superfluous Construction Labeling for "BRICK - DO NOT DRINK" appearing on the 7,968 bricks used to construct the Longsmont Center for Sports Injury. Haaaarber was not told to label the bricks in this manner, and was in fact instructed to stop immediately by his supervisor. He did stop, but returned after dark and finished his task. The following day he was instructed to sand blast the labels off of each brick, a task which took him more than a week to complete.
Award for Excellence in Superfluous Food Packaging Copy
Sundried Tomato & Basil Wheat Thins, Cracker (USA)
Food Packaging Copy
Ganja Ripsurgeon is hereby awarded the 2008 Hewlitzer Prize for Excellence in Superfluous Food Packaging Copy for "AUTHENTIC HUMAN FOOD" appearing beneath the words "NATURALLY & ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED" on the 2007 box for Wheat Thins Sundried Tomato & Basil flavored crackers. This was a trial product and at the time was intended only for livestock feed. It has since passed FDA approval for sale to companion animals and stupid children.
Award for Excellence in Superfluous Aviation Safety Signs
|Sgt. Commander "Corporal" Majors|
Helicopter Tail Rotor Blade, US Army (USA)
Stencil, Spray Paint
Sgt. Commander "Corporal" Majors is hereby awarded the 2008 Hewlitzer Prize for Excellence in Superfluous Aviation Safety Signs for "DO NOT TOUCH WHILE BLADE IS ROTATING" which he has stenciled on each blade of each tail rotor for all of the US Army helicopters used by the 227th Airborne Tennessee Hussars Detachment. Majors added the warning so the helicopters would conform with US Army hazard labeling regulation article 22-85000. This same article requires each bullet to be stamped with "BULLET!! Dangerous when pointed and shot out of a gun at a person." The rotating blade warning was written in MILSPEC BOLD font using white #6 spray paint. It is not visible when the rotor is spinning.
Award for Excellence in Superfluous Navigation Assistance
Danson-Hanson Mansion, Lansing (USA)
NW 1st Floor Hallway Wall
Anson Danson is hereby awarded the 2008 Hewlitzer Prize for Excellence in Superfluous Navigation Assistance for "NOT THROUGH HERE. Look around for a door." This message is printed on a transparent decal and has been placed one meter to the left of a doorway on the wall. Danson, a chronic bed shitter, claimed that he grew irritated by guests completely ignoring doors and floating ghostlike through walls in his hallway. Anson Danson shares his mansion in Lansing with handsome dancer Samantha Hanson. She is a fucking ghost.
Award for Excellence in Superfluous Mirror Information
Mirror, Dentist's Office (USA)
Honest Andy is hereby awarded the 2008 Hewlitzer Prize for Excellence in Superfluous Mirror Information for "It's you, not somebody else." The message has been applied by Honest to five different mirrors in Dr. Thexter's Office of Remedial Dental Surgery. Honest Andy made the alterations to the mirrors believing that seeing reflections might startle or confuse patients. "I have a bird and when I put a mirror in his cage he started screaming and pecking himself in the mirror until he died." Andy did not explain whether or not this was the impetus for his superfluous text. "I didn't think to take the mirror out of his cage," he sobbed.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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