As a longtime fan of both /r/The_Donald AND /r/hillaryforprison, I'm privy to exclusive knowledge about Hillary Clinton. Her secret lesbian relationship with Janet Reno. Her "Most Valuable Player" award from ISIS founder Barack Hussein Obama. Her ignoring pleas for help at Benghazi, going so far as to write, "troops never vote for me, so fuck 'em!!!!1!!1"
But her biggest crime? Personally orchestrating dozens of brutal murders. From Vince Foster to John Ashe, from James McDougal to Seth Rich, anyone who gets in her way ends up in a body bag. In fact, the official Clinton body count now stands at 53 deaths. You'd think that'd disqualify her from being president, right?
But that's when I realized: to get away with 54 high profile murders and never see a minute of jailtime...is actually pretty impressive. If anything, her murder spree shows she's got the nerve, the guts and the organizational ability to go out there and win for America!
And remember, this isn't just your average 68 year old she-murderer. Hillary is committing these murders while under the daily stresses of the campaign trail. She's crisscrossing the nation, giving speeches, directing campaign strategy...yet still finds time to silence those who'd dare cross her?
Incredible. Powerful. I'm with her.
Now I know what you're thinking. "Asterios, she's not committing these murders alone. She has a secret network of killers who do the work for her."
Well yes, obviously. But who's drawing up the hit lists? Who's creating alibi after alibi? Who's paying out millions in untraceable currency from The Clinton Foundation? Hillary is. And she's doing it all while at death's door.
It's well documented that Hillary Clinton is dying of several dozen serious medical conditions that could kill her at any moment. And that makes her murders all the more impressive. To orchestrate a vast left-wing conspiracy from a secret hospital bed underneath The White House...that takes heart. And Hillary has it.
For those who aren't aware, here's a list of Hillary's medical conditions:
And that's just what we know about. Given the demands of her health, her impressive body count proves she's ready on day one.
Also, I'm not sure if this is technically a "medical condition," but the only thing she eats is money, and that can't be good for you. Especially because she only eats money from the Saudis who bankroll ISIS & 9/11, which is a LOT of money. Her cholesterol must be sky high. Yet she continues to draw blood from her foes.
Now, this isn't to say I don't agree with Donald Trump on a lot of things. He's a world class businessman who has never lost a dime of his self-made fortune, so he'd obviously make a great treasury secretary.
But when "The Donald" speaks of murder, it often rings hollow and obvious, unlike stone cold murder-bitch HRC. For example, when Mr. Unstumpable said, "You have to take out their families," at first I agreed with him. But then I realized: would a GOOD murderer announce their intentions to kill innocents on an episode of Fox & Friends? Of course not, they'd be found out right away! Hillary rebuffed Donald's remarks, calling them a "violation of international law."
...exactly what a REAL family-murderer would say! Score one for Team Hillary!
And sure, Trump has made "casual" calls for violence. He's supported protesters being "roughed up," said he'd "cover the legal fees" of those who called for violence...but this is all pretty penny ante stuff. In 2016, we can't afford to trust the business of America's murders to an amazing businessman, women's rights advocate and hilarious entertainer.
We need a professional. We need Hillary Rodham Clinton. Thank you, and god bless Amurderica.
Please consider updating your plan to include Trickle Down Antibiotics, the Millennial Meltdown, and other new options.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.