This is ridiculous! How can people live like this instead of with a huge collection of bugs in jars?As I stood over the sink shoveling cold macaroni and cheese into my mouth straight out of the pan, I thought to myself, "New low." Then I remembered that lady on Hoarders with a freezer full of smashed cats. I mean, I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, like not showering for a week and masturbating to Loony Tunes, but I have never filled my freezer with smashed cats.
There was that guy with the bathroom full of diapers and I was like, you know what? Not calling my family ever really isn't so bad compared to that guy with the diapers and bugs everywhere. He's really bad.
Forgetting friends' birthdays? Skipping out on social events to watch porn and smoke weed? I mean, yeah, maybe that's bad, until you think about that woman who refused to throw anything away even when the cleanup crew came out and her daughter was there crying and she was like, "It's me or all your STUFF!" and the mom said, "THE STUFF!"
Unbelievable. It really puts all those DUI arrests in perspective.
Did you see that Hoarders where the woman got stuck under her food trash? Yeah, it was the one where she also got bit by rats while she was sleeping. What a nightmare! I was riveted to the screen watching and thinking to myself, I mean, I thought my life was pretty bad after I ran Bill over with the boat and left him to die. But they never found the body, and this lady lives in filth with rats.
I mean, I may not ever pay taxes and claim it's for moral reasons even though I'm just lazy, but at least I don't forget about jewelry I bought inside a cabinet that's buried under Amazon boxes. Did you see that Hoarders? Unreal. She found jewelry in there and when they tried to put it in the donate box she flipped out and had a panic attack.
Oh, wait...Did you see the one where the woman had a refrigerator that wasn't working full of spoiled yogurt and meat and she was still going to eat it? It really makes me feel a lot better about my life and all of my guns I have bought with cop killer ammunition.
At least I know where all of that stuff is in my house. I mean, I'm keeping these jars of urine and freezer bags of hair because the dog told me to, not because I'm hoarding.
Last weekend A&E had a Hoarders marathon and they showed that episode where the dad secretly has two storage units full of garbage in addition to a house that is caving in because of all the trash. I was like, there you go, that guy is way worse than me with the sex dungeon in my basement.
It's not like I've actually collected all of my sex slaves yet. I have just meticulously planned it out and planned my cat-and-mouse game with a spunky CSI woman.
The sort of cat and mouse that don't end up smashed in a crazy freezer.
|Zack is the author of the new short story collection Wages: Future Tales of a Hired Gun, a blood-soaked satire of private military contracting. He is also the author of the genre-hopping novel Liminal States, soon to be available as an audiobook. You can find out more about Zack's latest projects and special offers on his Facebook page.|
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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