Within the past year, TLC and A&E have both picked up shows about hoarding, allowing us to see, right before our eyes, the newest trend in psychological disorders. But, unlike a lot of the other cool mental problems, hoarding doesn't have any physical signifiers, so, aside from a house filled with rotting garbage, the viewer is often wondering how he or she is supposed to tell the difference between the legit crazies and the wannabe trash collectors. To help alleviate the confusion, a standardized test has been created. Simply go through each section and tally your score at the bottom. At the end of the test, add the complete total and divide by how many occupants live in the house. The final number will clearly show who truly deserves our mocking attention.
Generally rejected by society, the hoarders naturally rely on animals for the majority of their social activities within the home. Add 1 point per cat or ferret with an additional point for every third pet.
1 point for unorthodox/unsanitary feeding method
1 point if animal is known to disappear for long stretches of time
2 points for every animal injured or maimed (missing eye, leg, etc.)
2 points for any feces/urine piles
3 points for any dead animal found within house
5 points for any living animal eating/sleeping in close proximity of dead animal.
Insects, exception for hissing cockroaches, do not count as pets.
JackpotLiving Room Test
The living room is often holds the hoarder's pride possessions. Each item found on this list is worth 1 point. Cross off all that apply:
Bicycle helmet, poster of now deceased celebrity, broken electronics, decorative candles piled haphazardly, soiled doll/stuffed animal, empty boxes, office supplies for job never held, bird themed knick-knacks, toothbrushes (more than one), dinner set of ceramic plates, empty frames, sneaker (singular), car parts for car they do not posses, ceiling fan (not on ceiling), microwaveable food boxes, doors off hinges, paperback books (+2 if water damaged), soup cans, surprisingly large amount of VHS cassettes (x2 if no VCR) (x3 if Betamax), mattresses, box of cords, knitting supplies, unwashed dishes, non prescriptive glasses, winter jackets (x2 if summer), animal travel cage, odd number of roller skates, stack of board games, window air conditioner, more than one Christmas wreath, leaking beanbag chair, trophies (x2 if belong to someone else), box of unmarked and untested batteries, couch/lay-z-boy covered in sheet, used forks, bike tire, Halloween candy at Easter or the opposite, a sewing machine, buckets of paint, normal buckets, outdoor lawn furniture, hat box, unidentifiable potted plant due to rotting, the majority of possessions claimed at funeral of aunt/uncle, boxed microwave, karate uniform.
Living Room Score: ____
Many hoarders like to feel as if they aren't completely pathetic. Though they are, many convince themselves they are partially organized because of minor accomplishments. Reward yourself two points for each half assed attempt. Add an additional 4 points if any of these methods reach the ceiling.
"Organization" Score: ____
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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