As an average human being who currently inhabits the planet of whatever planet this is, we're faced with many challenges and obstacles we must overcome while trying to live our lives and do things such as pay taxes or remove the orange stuff from inside our ear canals. In fact, there are so many challenges and obstacles that I can't even list them all on this website or else I'd die of old age in the process... and that itself is a challenge or perhaps obstacle! Even thinking about this challenge or obstacle is itself a challenge or obstacle! Do you understand the absolute complexity of what I'm talking about here? I really hope so, because I lost myself around the first sentence. I think I was writing something about how we need more chalk in our diets, I don't know.
Regardless, one of the biggest risks we take every day involves the chance that we might instantly be teleported into the future. Rare, highly scientific studies that involved really complex tools like scales and those machines that don't do anything but show a scrolling sine wave have shown that many of us have a tendency to travel into the future, even while asleep! Luckily most of us are moving into the future at the speed of one second per second, but I've seen an awful lot of movies where people step into giant gym lockers with strobe track lighting and when they step out, bam, it's the future. Now I'm not talking about a couple seconds into the future, I'm talking about a few fucking years or even decades! Can you imagine that? You're just wandering around, minding your own business and walking into strange lockers, and suddenly you find yourself in a dark and scary world where AOL doesn't exist and if it does it's probably named something like "CyberMegaGlobAOL" and their logo is a hologram of a cyborg eagle shooting lasers out of its eyes at a decapitated nun's head. This is a fear all of us have to live with day in and day out. Today's guide will walk you through the steps necessary to identify and adapt to being forcefully teleported into the future.
The future appears to be much different than the current, non-future world. If you or any of your friends believes you are currently occupying the future, please stop and look around. Your environment should vary from the world as you know it. Look for the following telltale signs which indicate that you are, in fact, occupying the future:
The cars are really small and are composed of what appears to be acrylic bubbles. Acrylic bubble cars are much more economically sound and futuristic than the types of vehicles we normally drive around because tests have shown that bubbles move a lot faster than 3000-pound metal cubes, especially when underwater. Add this to the fact that people really like spheres (how do you think basketball or snowmen got so popular?), and its easy to understand why scientists of the future will decide to make cars that look like giant cat toys. If the future is inhabited by giant radioactive cats, expect scientists to invent cars that are still small white spheres only they have humongous neon green flashing signs that read "IF YOU ARE A GIANT RADIOACTIVE CAT, YOU'D BETTER NOT EAT THIS CAR." Then there would be a picture of a giant radioactive cat and there would be a big red X through it. That's for the cats who can't read.
Horrible fashion trends that no willing human being would ever embrace. If the entire population around you is wearing pure white cloaks or skintight wardrobes that are completely black, you'll know you've either entered the future or some secret Scientology meeting. You see, a human being's intelligence level is inversely proportional to their fashion sense. This is why you never see Playboy models working on cold fusion projects or Carl Sagan doing strip shows. Well, that and the fact that he's been dead for over half a decade. So it only makes sense that the more complex and intelligent we as a species become, the more horridly repulsive outfits we decide to wear. Futuristic fashion styles include giant poofy colored hair, pleated black slacks that are way too tight, industrial chains that double as utility belt straps, and a wide variety of other things that make it really uncomfortable when sitting down. Nobody ever bothers sitting down in the future because they're all too busy marveling at the wonderful futuristic things like bubble cars or futuristic mirrors that, instead of showing your reflection, displays a picture of Azlea Anistasia wearing a sombrero.
Retarded computers. Many people ignorantly believe that computers will get easier to use as time progresses. Oh how wrong they are! And stupid! If anybody ever tries to tell you something like that, you should shove them down and stab them with a shank you made from a box spring mattress. Just take a look at the difference between the latest Windows OS, Windows XP, and the first Windows OS, Windows 0.01. Here is a screenshot from Windows XP:
Can you even tell what's going on in this screenshot? Windows XP is billed as this totally rad-to-the-max awesome operating system, but in reality it's like this groadie, gag-me-with-a-spoon piece of non-tubular software. Compare and contrast this with the original Windows 0.01:
And we call Windows XP progress? I don't think so! Using this logic, it's no wonder that computers of the future can be identified by noticing the following characteristics:The FUTURE!!!
1. Random, constant, nonstop beeping sounds. Computers of the future don't contain any volume adjustment knobs because those are against the law for some futuristic reason. Also, a lot of people in the future are blind because looking at really futuristic things can sometimes cause your mind to just explode because wow, that shit is like so intense! As a result, all the computers constantly emit beeping and honking noises to let everybody know that they're powered on and are still in fact computers. If the computer ever stops beeping then the people in the room will know that it has stopped being a computer and is now something else like a log or trampoline.
2. Wireframe models. Everything in the future is represented by wireframe models on computers. Everything. If you're looking for a particular person, their face will appear as a wireframe model accompanied by 500-point flashing text displaying their name. If you're looking for a file, it will appear as a wireframe model of a folder. If you're looking for a wireframe model, it will appear as a wireframe model composed of really tiny wireframe models that make up each wire.
3. Scanlines. Monitors of the future are really large and have a maximum resolution of roughly 64x48 pixels. In addition, any camera feeds or movies will be contaminated with scanlines that obscure any possible usefulness anybody could ever derive from the video. I'm not exactly sure why this is but I'm guessing that it's somehow Microsoft's fault.
4. Absolutely no functionality whatsoever. If you want to do a simple file search, prepare to wade through 600 different menus, each of which is the size of a Buick and utilizes a font that makes the Atari system display look like marriage script.
5. Flashing lights. To accompany the random beeping sounds are random flashing lights, usually red, that are used to indicate that the random, constant, nonstop beeping unit is currently functioning correctly. If these lights ever stop flashing then you know that you're in big trouble. If they continue to flash then you're probably in big trouble too. Either way, you really shouldn't be in a futuristic computer room because bad shit always happens afterwards. You should instead go home and take some futuristic drug that is named one word like "INTENSE" or "HARMONY" or "DOUCHEBAG."
In short, computers of the future are just like the computers we have today except for the fact that they're completely different in almost every conceivable way. I suggest taking a Palm Pilot with you wherever you go, in the chance that you suddenly find yourself in 2182 and the ATM terminal only has three buttons, two of which are colored triangles that randomly flash red for no reason.
New city names. In the future, people calls cities by new and futuristic names so the futuristic civilians will know that they're still in the future. Well, the present future to them, but to us it's the future present future. Akron, Ohio becomes "New Akron, Ohio." Los Angeles becomes "Las Vegas Angeles." New York turns into "New New York Las Vegas Angeles." If you ever ask somebody how to get to your home town and they start laughing at you, simply add the word "New" before its name and they'll give you directions. It will probably involve riding in a Bubble Car, so you'd better hope there are no giant radioactive illiterate cats around.
One giant global monopoly run by an evil elderly white guy who is either dead, part cyborg, or has his entire brain implanted inside a computer which uses a wireframe model to represent the ground. I'm not exactly sure how this guy is able to create such a humongous empire, especially since he never ever leaves his office, but that's why it's the future. Anything is possible in the future! Even a baby counting every grain of sand in the entire world in under one second! In fact, there are futuristic television shows entirely dedicated to babies counting sand grains! But they are on CyberFox and are put in a time slot to compete with "Who Wants to Be a CyberMillionaire?" so nobody watches it.
We hope that this brief guide has aided you in determining if you're in the future or not. If it hasn't, you can simply walk up to a person and ask him for the time. If he gives you an answer that is later than you expected, then congratulations, you're in the future! For reference, the time now is 10:22 pm on January 7th, 2002. Well look at that, I'm already in the future too! What a wonderful world!
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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