Your love of literature leads you nowhere. Somehow Beowulf provides less preparation for the outside world than you counted on and the market for essay writing is at a one hundred year low.
You anxiously search job postings and after three months luck out and find an unpaid internship at the Barnes and Noble. Though the internship doesn't turn into a real career, it becomes a great lead to another unpaid internship that also ends without a job.
Dejected and broke, you move back home and slip into a classic quarter-life crisis. Your weekends are spent at a local diner drinking light beer with people you didn't really like in high school. You consider joining a fantasy football league. Then it hits you. Why don't you work at Bill's Bar and Grill? It'd cover the bills and provide you with so much writing material. It would be, you convince yourself, a good detour adventure! You walk into the restaurant with it all planned out. Six months serving, and you'll have enough to move to New York.
All of a sudden five years have passed, and you're still serving at the same place. You're still drinking beer with the same people. You still really want to join the fantasy league. All the cool people you thought you'd meet are mostly lame and lonely, and you aren't much different.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.