Desk Man: Now for continuing coverage of hurricane Matthew, we go to our correspondent reporting live from the storm.
Correspondent: My clothes surround my body. A bright yellow jacket of flexible plastic surrounds my layers of clothing. The areas of my skin covered by clothing and jacket are as they always are, more or less. My hands are exposed. My neck, face, and head are exposed. I feel water and wind upon all of this skin.
A droplet of water lands on my skin. It introduces a sensation of moisture. It forms a barrier between my skin and the air, a tiny smothering which I can survive.
But there are many droplets. Many smotherings. They land and splash and fade away, replaced by more droplets. It is a constant moisture. If this rain continues forever and I continue to stand here forever, the number of droplets will be infinite. This is unacceptable. The wind exerts pressure upon my skin. It is not hard enough to destroy the skin. It is not so light as to go unnoticed. It is a strong and constant wind. It pushes me and creates a noise in my microphone that forces me to yell to be heard.
Desk Man: I apologize for the interruption, correspondent, but meteorologist has an urgent update.
Meteorologist: Thank you, desk man. Our computer has looked at things. The government weather computer has looked at things. All our computers have agreed upon a truth.
More droplets of water will fall upon the skin of correspondent. They will introduce new moisture. They will not fall directly upon the skin that is covered by correspondent's clothes. Nor will they fall directly upon the skin that is covered by correspondent's bright yellow jacket of flexible plastic. But they will land on correspondent's skin, then be compelled by gravity to slide from that exposed skin to areas that are otherwise covered, such as correspondent's wrists and collarbone.
Wind will press against correspondent with greater force. Correspondent will find it more difficult to stand vertically. The direction of the wind will shift, causing correspondent's body to become unsteady.
Correspondent: If I may -
Desk Man: Go ahead, correspondent.
Correspondent: A droplet of water just landed directly upon my eyelash. If my body did not include eyelashes, or only featured a single eyelash on the other eye, that droplet of water would have collided with my eyeball. As it is, my vision is temporarily impaired with a blur. This handicap will remain in place until I blink.
Desk Man: For those of you who are just joining our broadcast, hurricane Matthew is impacting correspondent in several ways.
It is depositing water in the form of droplets upon correspondent's exposed skin. It is depositing droplets upon correspondent's clothes and bright yellow jacket of flexible plastic. It is causing wind to press against correspondent's whole body, though correspondent can only feel that wind which touches correspondent's skin.
Correspondent: Correction, desk man. The wind which pushes against my clothing and bright yellow jacket of flexible plastic can also be felt, to a lesser extent.
Desk Man (scrawling on sheet of paper): Noted. Ladies and gentlemen, an update. We are getting reports that the wind which pushes against correspondent's clothing and bright yellow jacket of flexible plastic can be felt. Please stay tuned for our continuing coverage of hurricane Matthew's impact on the body of correspondent.
Star Wars fan speculation has been swirling about the source of female ejaculation. The answers might finally be coming with the Last Jedi.
Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.