American hero #86/68!You probably don't know this about me, and it's probably quite hard to tell from my cry-for-help updates, but I am stricken with a tremendous burden. No, I'm not an angst-trodden teenager who carries the weight of the world on his frail shoulders. Nor am I a guy who puts on a suit and negotiates the fate of the human race with alien invaders. To be honest, I don't even own a suit that doesn't have maple syrup stains on it. You see, in some ways I have become the curator of the legacy of one of America's greatest heroes. You would never know this by looking at me, unless perhaps you read it on my hat or shirt, both of which serve as bold reminders of my great significance in this giant whale of a planet. I've carried this burden for a long time, revealing it only to the scoundrels and plague-carriers of the Something Awful Forums. But now at last I reveal it to the world entire! A world that includes you of all people!
Some of you already know the hero I'm talking about. In fact, Zack hailed him as one of the unsung heroes of the Internet in a past article. The person I'm talking about is an American. More specifically, he's a football player part of the day and a true hero the rest of the day and a good chunk of the night. He's an unstoppable tackling machine funneling the might of a steam engine through his muscle-forged figure. He pulverizes the competition, knocking them to the ground like raindrops in a roaring thunderstorm. And that's just when he's playing football. When he's off the inspiring green of the football field, he's defending Democracy and America from evil everywhere. He is #86/68, the greatest American to ever live.
To clarify, around July of last year – the year 13750 R.D. on my imaginary moon calendar – Zack and Rich began celebrating the joy and wonderment of #86/68 on the SA Forums. These celebrations consisted mostly of them spamming the image of #86/68 hundreds of times in a sporting race to see which would break first: your eyes or your browser. In most cases it was the eyes. After several chaotic tributes, Zack attempted to make order by telling a story using #86/68 as the protagonist. It was short, didn't actually feature #86/68, and was mostly about his views on the Zionist Occupied Government and how they use Parker Brothers Monopoly to program our youth. Come to think of it, I'm not sure what that was about at all. The point is that I somehow got the notion to start doing a comic based on #86/68. I wrote #86/68 comics pretty rarely, but now I realize the time is right to do them pretty regularly. Of course you goblins are now the benefactors of my gracious decision!
HUT HUT HUT HIKE! You gotta give 110%!A lot has happened since last July. I don't remember any of it, but I've been told it was a real kick in the groin capacitor. The reason I don't remember any of it is because I suffered severe brain damage writing and animating nine #86/68 adventure stories. When you get an eyeful of the crisp, fluid animation, you'll understand how much work goes into these things. You'll also notice the complex storylines that feature international intrigue, gut-wrenching action, and good old American patriotism all while being true to history. Yes, these comics are unlike those other comics done by that lousy Fragmaster. These comics have redeeming values! HUT HUT HUT HIKE! Oh, and did I mention the hot celebrity guest stars? There are horseloads of 'em! So not only is this comic morally redeeming, feature frequent celebrity guests, but it also teaches history!
With all that rambling aside, #86/68 will be a regularly updated section of the oft-tangy empire of Something Awful. Like #86/68, I plan to give 110% bringing you the very best in dramatic stories illuminated with spastic animated gif images! Get caught up in the action! All nine previous episodes are available for digestion and more will be added in those brief instances I'm not busy being on trial for something. What are you waiting for? Go and read Touchdown for Democracy, the first episode of this action packed series!
DISCLAIMER: Neither Josh "Livestock" Boruff nor the staff of Something Awful take any responsibility whatsoever for the optical damage and head trauma you will receive during and after reading The Adventures of #86/68 Comics. If you go blind, that's the result of your eyes not giving 110% like they should! HUT HUT HUT! No pain no gain! You gotta give a little to get a little! It's like Coach always said!
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.