This article is part of the HYURGI TIGERWOODS series.
Hello and good day to you. It is I, HYURGI TIGERWOODS, strongest man and man of ultimate body, warrior body, here at your convenience.
I have received on this very day notification by FSB of my selection to become USA Fitness Secretary in government of the proud LION of USA, Donald Trump. It will be my duty to perform FITNESS ACTS for president and to plan regime of 100% STRENGTH for children of USA.
My qualifications for Secretary of Fitness are
I am preparing to DRAIN THEM SWAMP of all atrophy Biceb and Triceb. The pump is coming to DC!!!
I have plan to Make America Strongest Warrior Nation Of Health And Fitness Again.
Checking my clock and it says time is up Fatsomes. Blob of USA must end. The DELTS, the GRACS, the STRELKS, the MERGS all will receiving punishing kettlebell technique to achieve peak fitness.
I will turn your babies into rock hard ripped and ready PUMP KINGS. Universal Pre-K (pre-kettlebell) is current state but I will have 100% K for all children. No book, no computer, only kettlebell for learning MAJESTY of FULL PUMP.
Great LION Donald Trump is sitting pretty in USA ready for new fashion show. I will introduce Donald to full PUMP lady with TOTAL TIT ORBING. These sexy ladies 100% beautiful, elegant. Ready for night on town. I will ask Donald LION if he likes them and he will give them kisses.
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.