The United States is on a heightened alert for terrorist attacks, and while this happens almost any time someone swarthy mentions going to the post office, the frenzy of media coverage has really gotten me concerned. The government is now offering guidelines on how to survive various forms of terrorist attacks, including using duct tape to seal your windows and vents. Most analysts believe these precautions to be barely more than a placebo for the worries of the public and I would tend to agree with this sentiment. With klaxons blaring and people with megaphones in the street shouting "red alert" and spinning in circles the last thing we all need to do is slap duct tape on our window frames. I am determined to survive this vague wave of terror attacks threatening to envelop our proud nation. I have put all of my team of researchers, including myself and the esteemed Diet Dr. Pepper, to the task of developing realistic and productive methods to avoid the fate that may or may not be in store for us.
First of all you folks need to fully understand the warning system. According to the chart they keep showing on the news we are at red alert, the highest level of civilian warning possible. What you might not understand is that the civilian warning system is only part of the full spectrum of potential terrorist warnings.
Green (Low) - Terrorists are either napping or have taken a vacation to one of the countries in the Axis of Evil.
Blue (Guarded) - Terrorists may attempt to rob a convenience store or drive recklessly on the Interstate.
Yellow (Elevated) - This is normal, terrorists are roving the streets looking for cars to break into and vandalize. They may be planning to fly hang gliders illegally off of tall buildings or participate in anti-war protests.
Orange (High) - Someone at the Department of Homeland Security just woke up after having a nightmare about the attacks on the World Trade Center and hit the orange alert button. National Guard F-16s have been scrambled to menacingly sonic-boom over population centers.
Red (Severe) - Dark-skinned men were spotted either boarding an airplane or attempting to purchase a firearm at Wal-Mart. You should immediately report to a small pox vaccine center so that the government can insert a tracking microchip into your body.
Yellow and Black Stripes (Danger!) - The Russians have just misplaced another fifty kilograms of weapons grade plutonium that were part of a parade float about nuclear energy in Moscow. Citizens should break out panes of their windows with a revolver and fire wildly out at the street while yelling "Arrrrribbaaaa".
Hot Pink (Fabulous Alert) - Ninjas have kidnapped the president. If you are a bad enough dude to rescue him then you are to proceed immediately to fighting them on top of trains and moving cars.
Psychedelic Colors (Whoah Man, I Can See Time) - The terrorists have deployed chemical or biological weapons against our population. You are advised to shut yourself into your house and die. Please assist corpse recovery units by stripping naked and laying in a bathtub. For those not affected by quarantines you should immediately start rioting while troops in black gas masks watch you from the tops of tanks.
The Department of Homeland Security's system for rating the various terrorist threats isn't really all that complicated but it is of dubious value. My advice is to be prepared for those terrorist attacks that are surely coming, and I don't mean to do something retarded like duct tape your vents. I've got the real scoop on how to survive the onslaught of terror in the United States, and being such a caring and generous guy I am willing to share these secrets with you.
There are essentially four categories of potential terrorist attacks, and each category can encompass a multitude of different methods for causing terror. Fortunately each of these categories has methods that will address any attack within that category. All you have do is learn how to identify an attack when it's happening, react as I have suggested, and your chances of survival will improve dramatically.
Conventional Terrorist AttacksIf you can hear screaming in Arabic over the sound of gunfire then you might be in danger.Sample Attacks: Hostage taking, truck and car bombs, suicide bombers, shooting sprees, loud colors, irreverent scuttlebutt, anti-war protests, ramming various vehicles into people/other vehicles/buildings, golems (stone, mud, or crystal), hypnotic break dancing, and Oprah's Book Club.
How to Identify Attacks: Conventional terrorist attacks are almost always preceded by someone yelling in Arabic. If you hear someone yelling in Arabic and it isn't coming from your TV or your "Learn to Scream Arabic" CD then immediately begin following the Survival Tips listed below. Just because you don't hear screaming in Arabic doesn't mean that gunfire is just someone hunting geese in the Israeli airline terminal. Sometimes the terrorists will forget to scream in Arabic or may be mute or shy, which means you need to look for other key identifying features. In the event that you did not hear screaming in Arabic you are advised to look for any of the following:A burning United States or Israeli flag.If you see one ore more of these identifying features you should immediately begin to follow our Survival Tips.
Non-Christian facial hair.
A Jewish wizard being coerced at gunpoint to create golems.
An unmarked truck or van with a lit fuse coming out of the back.
Signs that profane the name of George W. Bush.
Survival Tips:If Something is Exploding then you should leap immediately towards the nearest window, breaking through it and being chased by a giant fireball that misses you by inches. When you get up and are essentially unharmed you should dust yourself off, look back at the damage, and make some witty comment about how narrowly you escaped. If there is no window to jump through then try diving behind an inanimate object like a park bench, automobile, hobo, or crate of explosives.Nuclear Terrorist AttacksDon't let the intimidation factor make you afraid of a nuclear attack, not all nukes are that big and scary.Sample Attacks: Dirty bomb detonation in urban area, suitcase nuke exploding in the Holland Tunnel, Golden Gate Bridge being leveled by an atomic bomb at rush hour, a rogue state launching an ICBM at our West Coast, Plutonium being dropped into the water supply and turning everyone who drinks the water into brain-eating mutants.
If You are Being Taken Hostage then shit your pants and begin trying to dry hump the terrorists. Unless you have happened upon a terrorist with a scat and retardation fetish they will either release you or kill you mercifully.
Terrorists Are People Too with as many interests as you have. One of their hobbies just happens to be enacting a fundamentalist Jihad against the imperialist scum of America. Try to talk to the terrorist, feel them out and try to determine what other interests they might have aside from making you die. If you can discover a common interest then you should convince the terrorist to take a break from his Jihad and enjoy this interest with you. Most terrorists are known to enjoy burning flags, screaming in Arabic while wildly waving a gun, playing Magic: The Gathering, and writing letters to their pen-pals.
Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones but 7.62mm assault rifle rounds will penetrate up to two inches of soft metal. If the terrorists have already opened fire or are exploding there is little chance you can reason with them. The best way to survive at this point is to remove yourself from the potential target list. You can disguise yourself as a mailbox, a caterpillar, a crystal golem, a hardback copy of "The Bridges of Madison County", or even another terrorist, and simply blend into your surroundings like a chameleon.
How to Identify Attacks: Identifying most nuclear attacks is as easy as turning towards the giant incandescent ball of heat and radiation expanding through your city and burning out your retinas. If the explosion does not burn out your retinas then it's either a conventional explosion - nothing to worry about - or you are sufficiently far away to avoid permanent eye damage. As the all consuming burst of sun-hot death destroys buildings, liquefies steel, turns flesh and blood into vapor, and scatters fatal clouds of radiation throughout the area, you can survive by remembering our Survival Tips that follow. Sometimes the use of nuclear weapons need not be so dramatic, as is the case with a "dirty bomb", which exposes those nearby to the effects of radiation but not to an atomic blast. You probably won't know that you're under attack from a dirty bomb until your hair and teeth begin to fall out and your pores ooze blood. Similarly a radioactive contamination of your city's drinking water supply won't become apparent until the citizenry begins to transform into hideously mutated monsters with an insatiable lust for hot human blood.
Survival Tips:Duck and Cover is absolute bullshit. The best way to survive the force and heat of a nuclear blast is to submerge yourself in a bathtub full of water. The metal of the bathtub will protect you from debris and the water, as it is rapidly boiled off into steam, will provide you with a small amount of protection from the heat. This may only agonizingly prolong your life, forcing you to endure three or four seconds of incomprehensible pain as your blood boils and your skin rips open to vent steam from bursting organs, but it may just save you too!Chemical Terrorist AttackYou may be at risk, but luckily the soldiers of the National Guard are not!Sample Attacks: Releasing nerve gas into a crowded subway, spraying an urban area with concentrated organophosphates, releasing canisters of cyanide into a large building's ventilation system, replacing Glade Plug-Ins with packages of heat-activated chlorine gas, and placing a giant fan next to Gary, Indiana.
Stock Up on important items like bottled water, dry foods, bottle caps that can be used as currency in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and firearms unless you are a colored person and then you will be arrested for creating a terrorist arms cache. Additionally for your radiation prevention needs no better item can be had than the Something Awful Polo Shirt. Not only are these stylish and comfortable garments 100% insulated against more than eight types of radiation, the chest grenade logo can be easily used as a symbol for your retro-futuristic warlord fiefdom.
When In Rome succumb to your twisted genetic need to devour the brains of living non-mutated humans. Even if it was just a regular old nuke detonated in your area there will still be plenty of trace radiation to spawn a legion of super-strong mutant killers. Get in while they're recruiting. Try attaching a fake mannequin arm to your torso with duct tape and then following their marauding war bands into the desolate streets of your city to corner, murder, and eat any humans foolish enough to be out after dark. Know your local sewer system well! It may be the only place that offers a safe haven for you during the daylight hours when the angry eye of the sun will bake your flesh.
Geiger Counters Are Invaluable noise-makers to have around at any post-apocalyptic rave party. They run on their own internal power supply and the sheer volume of radiation in the air should make them constantly emit a catchy clicking sound. It is guaranteed to get your booty moving on the floor. As an added bonus the radioactive illumination provided by glowing body parts is about 50 times cooler than a lame glow stick. No raver drugs are even needed to get that PLUR feeling going! Everyone will be living in a constant irradiated fever dream of torment and agony, grinding to the arrhythmic beat of the Geiger Counter as it ticks away the minutes until your rave is stormed by a mutant raiding party and you and your loved ones are carted off to fill the larder of a ten-foot tall cannibalistic warlord.
How to Identify Attacks: If you suspect a chemical attack may be imminent you should begin by surveying your surroundings. A good first warning sign is if you see clouds of gas billowing from a canister, vent, or unmarked van. Sometimes chemical weapons are invisible and you may not immediately see them, but you can watch for the effects of chemical weapons. If you see more than one person collapse, begin foaming at the mouth, or start screaming "WAaaaaaaaaaa IT BURNSS!!!" then you are probably in dangerous proximity to chemical weapons. Many people would begin to panic at this point, but you won't, because you will be fully equipped with our Survival Tips. Calmly proceed away from the people who are screaming and convulsing while following the guidelines we have provided.
Survival Tips:Chemical Weapons Are Like Ghosts that follow you and haunt you wherever you may go. Many are invisible to the naked eye, which makes them even spookier and may cause people to run screaming from them. It's pretty much impossible to hide from a chemical weapon and as their deadly payload expands it will wreak havoc on the populace. To this end you should proceed quickly away from poisonous gasses and to a trash can. Retrieve a plastic bag from the trashcan and tie this tightly over your head with a shoelace or belt wrapped around your neck. You may feel like masturbating at this point, but the purpose of the plastic bag is to insulate your respiratory system from toxic fumes not play into your auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish. Some gasses are tissue-permeable so attempt to cover all of the exposed skin on your body by submersing it into candle wax or an iron smelter. Eventually you might experience dizziness. That's okay; this is just the plastic bag working to protect you. If you feel like passing out then go ahead and take a nap and wait for the authorities to wake you up when it's all clear.Biological Terrorist AttacksHe's protected by plastic and will slay the plague with bullets!Sample Attacks: Sending anthrax through the mail, infecting food or even public places with small pox, releasing rats infested with bubonic plague-carrying fleas, hastening the spread of HIV by sending a really attractive bisexual person to America, giving Shredder access to the secret of the retromutagen ooze, writing bad checks around town that happen to be seething with microscopic brain worms, or even infecting Ripley and Newt with xenomorphs and then sabotaging the freezers of the surviving marines on the return flight to Earth.
If You're Indoors then the terrorists have already done half the work of protection for you. Should the attack occur while you are in your home then simply follow the instructions listed above and shut yourself in your bathroom. If the attack happens while you are in a large office building then things are even easier. Most offices are kept to code and include an isolated, fire-proof stairwell that is separated from the building's ventilation system. Sprint to this while shoving aside anyone that might stand in your way. Once you reach the stairwell seal the door behind you and proceed to seal the doors for every other floor. People trapped inside the poison clouds circulating through the rest of the building may pound on the doors and scream desperately for you to let them out. If you were to do this you would be immediately killed by the poisons. It can be traumatic to watch your coworkers die in agony, but if it makes you feel any better then imagine them as sentient muffins screaming as they are being roasted alive in a giant oven. When that poison finally clears out you will have a whole building full of delicious muffins ready to snack on!
Don't Let All the Dying Ruin Your Trip. Many are those who succumb to various types of neuro-toxin not because of the poison itself, but because they totally freak out when they start hallucinating. It isn't uncommon to see someone exposed to NeTox-11 gas begin to claw their eyes out, chew their fingers and hands off, or even smash their brains against a wall. If you find yourself seeing the world around you dissolve into a surreal nightmare vision of pulsating shrieking tentacles, rivers of blood and bile, and giant metal turtles with penises for eye then you should immediately sit down. The effects of NeTox-11 will wear off in two to three years of intense medical therapy, but the effects of going berserk usually prove fatal. Try to regulate your breathing and concentrate on the beating of your heart. NeTox-11 will be attacking your autonomic nervous system so concentrating on keeping both body functions up and running should be your number one priority. Try to see if you can feel a burning sensation on your neck and chest. If you do then you've actually been exposed to NeTox-12. In that case your lungs will probably slowly emerge from your throat as they are inverted and forced out by painful muscle spasms. Try to push them back in, I know you'll see a lot of blood and the blood will be talking to you about secrets, but you've got to stay focused. When the world is bathed in a painful glowing light your trip on the NeTox bus has almost arrived at its destination. Lay down on your stomach with your head turned to the side. You will begin vomiting up blood as your entire body is wracked with agonizing spasms. That's okay, that's your body getting rid of the evil. Whatever you do, do not pass out no matter how much blood you vomit up. If you pass out and stop consciously controlling the beating of your heart then you will immediately die. Oh, also this way of surviving NeTox only works if you're a Buddhist Monk practiced in death-like trance states, so start taking those Buddhist Monk classes at the YMCA now.
How to Identify Attacks: Biological attacks can take many forms and can be even more insidious than radiation or invisible poison gasses. Noiseless, invisible, and gradually acting they will spread slowly at first, but exponentially as their infectious payload is deployed from person to person. The best way to determine whether or not you are at risk from biological weapons is to read a medical textbook or look up diseases on the Internet. It should only be a matter of minutes before you are CERTAIN you have everything from ball cancer to Amazon Skull Crabs.
Survival Tips:Most Diseases Are Species-Specific and obviously the ones being used against us by terrorist would be human-infectious diseases. One of the easiest ways to avoid infection from these illnesses is to simply stop being human. If possible cocoon yourself in a corner of your house and transform into a sentient insect. This might frighten your friends and neighbors, but hey, you're not going to scare a bunch of corpses after those plagues kill off the population! Should you experience difficulty morphing into another life form then you should consider using other methods to evolve into a higher life form. This may take several hundred generations, but if you're like me and only live for 48 hours you may just be able to accomplish this before the terrorists attack.
Alcohol is Sterile and in addition to being sterile alcohol happens to also be a total fucking blast! Woohoo! As soon as you know you're infected with some dreaded biological weapon you should empty out your cabinets and start chugging like there's no tomorrow. Did you know that rubbing alcohol can be made non-lethal to drink if you dilute it sufficiently? Now you do, so after you've poured everything with a proof rating down your gullet head into the medicine cabinet and down some isopropyl and cough syrup. If you're a chronic alcoholic we don't want you to have to start that 12-step program from scratch! Head on into the laundry room and start pounding shots of liquid bleach. It may burn your esophagus out and make you puke up the lining of your stomach, but it beats dying from leprosy! Once you're in a toxic coma the booze will begin its "alco-action", fighting with those nasty germs for dominance of your blood stream. If you're lucky then the forces of Jim Beam will defeat those nasty invaders and let the partying continue on through the end of civilization!
Purge the Unclean wherever they might be encountered. You may even encounter them before a biological attack is apparent, but that doesn't mean you should let your guard down. If you encounter anyone exhibiting symptoms of exposure to biological weapons you should immediately kill them and cremate their remains. Symptoms may include; coughing, extreme perspiration, skin discoloration, complaints of head or back ache, or slight limping. The police may give you a hard time at first, but once they realize that you were doing your patriotic duty to defend the homeland I'm sure they'll let you off the hook.
Feed a Fever even if it's caused by a biological weapon. If you've tried to purge the disease from your system and a house full of hooch just isn't cutting it then it's time to turn to plan "B" and gorge yourself. Infectious weapons are much like unborn fetuses only much harder to abort, they crave all manner of wacky foodstuff in vast quantities. The type of food you should be eating depends on the type of disease you have contracted. Please consult the following chart.Anthrax - Buttered popcorn and jelly.Once you've filled yourself to bursting with the appropriate food you should lay inert in your bed, possibly lifting your head slightly with a wedge of pillows so that you can view news reports about more deaths over your swollen gut. Eventually your body will produce a legion of antibodies to fight off the attacking disease. Fueled by the food you have gorged yourself on a veritable army will be unleashed and hopefully defeat the sickness. If not, well, you're fucked.
Small Pox - Deep sea squid that has been fried in whale lard.
Rheumatic Fever - Sugar cane that is hand fed to you by a laughing Jamaican.
Bubonic Plague - Dolly Madison Fudge Cakes and concertina wire.
Hepatitis C - Hepatitis B with mayonnaise.
Flesh Eating Bacteria - Travel books about the Ruhr Valley in Germany.
Parasitic Amoebas - The Prima Guide for Tomb Raider III and ice cream containing your own semen.
Alien Chest Bursters - Spaghetti and meatballs.
Clawitis - Homespun humor and riddles.
Just having some good information to work with has relieved me so much. I feel prepared to take on the world, so much so that I intend to smuggle a nuclear weapon into my apartment and detonate it in the name of Allah. Whoops! Haha! I mean stock up on canned food, of course.
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