Here I am at a frat party with a fellow student at Empire Academy, my alma mater. There I studied philosophy, and how to shoot at the ground yet miss entirely.Most people think that humorists are worthless and loathesome individuals who write ass jokes because they can't cut it in a "real" profession. These people are, of course, right. There is an exception to this rule, however, and I am that exception. While my cohorts spend their free time in the same opium dens that have recently overrun China and brought that country's economy to its knees, I pursue more intellectual goals. You see, I'm something of a dignified scholar. After writing a 1,700 word article about robots I'd like to sleep with for Something Awful, I typically unwind by having my servants carry me to the top of the nearest hill, where I drink a martini and gaze upon the endless beauty of the night sky while I solve the mysteries of the universe. I'm like the Greek philosophers, really, only I don't wear a funny robe or have modern plumbing.
After each evening on the hill, I painstakingly record my musings in a journal which has become frail and battered over time (sometimes I drink a little bit too much and get out of control). These journal entries range in topic from religious matters to lessons I've learned in life to simple observations about the world around me. By sharing a few selections from this journal with you, hopefully I can inspire a few readers to think a little bit more about life instead of simply drifting through it.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. Apparently they've never been to the Smurf village. That thing's way too fucking tiny.
With the entire classroom staring and giggling at my naked body, I learned the true meaning of shame. It was right there, the third word in the weekly vocabulary list our teacher had just handed out.
Everyone's so impressed by the gigantic pyramids in Egypt. I don't think they'd be as impressed if they knew what I know: the Egyptians were actually trying to build very small rectangle-shaped houses.
Anarchists are full of shit. Don't get me wrong, I like the Clash as much as the next guy. But if they got their way and civilization as we know it crumbled, there would be total chaos with people running around and screaming in panic. You know what happens when people just run haphazardly like that? Scraped knees. No thanks, guys.
That day at the zoo changed the way I thought of animals forever. What really seperates us from these beautiful creatures, I wondered? As it turned out nothing, aside from a reinforced steel fence and the protective suit that I made out of delicious meat and honey.
Here's a hint for the sport of basketball: tie the bottom of the net closed and you won't have to keep putting the ball back in there. You guys have been playing for how long, and you still haven't figured that out? I just came up with that in like five minutes.
The homeless have got the wrong idea. Living on the street, sleeping on benches and urine-stained sidewalks, begging for money to keep from starving? Yeah, nice plan there. Good luck with all that.
Sometimes I think my dog can really understand what I say when I talk to him. This in turn makes me think that maybe he's not even a dog at all, but a human being that I bought in some crazy mixup. When I dig him up to check though, he's still just a dog.
If I could only pass one thing on to my children, I guess it would have to be the weird disease I picked up in Tijuana. I mean, according to the doctors I don't really have a choice.
I feel bad for amputees. Losing your legs in a car accident, getting shot, or mistakenly lopping off an arm with a chainsaw... these are all so cliched. When you're invariably asked to explain how you lost your limbs, I bet it really hurts when the other guy gets so bored that he rolls his eyes or gestures like he's jerking off.
Some people claim that the history our children are learning in school has been revised to benefit the interests of certain groups, but this is just a conspiracy theory for right-wing loonies. As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Four score and seven years ago, I had a dream. That dream told me that Dennis 'Corin Tucker's Stalker' Farrell is always right. Buy Something Awful merchandise! Register for the forums!"
Music soothes the savage beast, but no matter how loud I sang that horse would not stop brutally raping me.
Some scientists are confident that they can disprove the existence of God, yet with all their fancy beakers and microscopes they haven't even been able to partially explain Alec Baldwin's career.
If I had to pinpoint exactly when things began going wrong in that football game, I guess I would have to say it was when I sold my entire family to gypsies.
Our galaxy is tens of trillions of miles across, and surrounding it are countless galaxies of comparable size. All the cosmos that we have mapped out are only a grain of sand on a neverending beach. The universe extends infinitely beyond what your brain can even begin to comprehend. So don't even worry, just throw your garbage wherever you want.
The power of hypnotic suggestion is highly underestimated. It may sound silly, but if you keep repeating a message to someone, in time they'll actually begin to believe you. Especially if the message you're repeating is "I'm incredibly annoying", and you scream it every three seconds.
A surprising number of people are afraid of clowns, but I think that's a baseless fear and that they're crazy. It's the microscopic clowns you have to look out for, the ones that climb in your ears when you sleep.
State Og wasn't around last week, but you can't keep a good man down. Unfortunately, there's not a single employee at State Og that could be considered a good man. Fortunately, they made a pact with Satan and can never truly be stopped.
The way we see it, the trick is to shoot something at Mars and make it hit. There's a lot of tricky math involved, and quite frankly we're all botanists, so we'll just fire Bulgarians into space in random directions and hope for the best.
Wow, I guess Bulgarians are good for something after all. Check out this week's State Og!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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